I don't want to be loved anymore

[someonewholovesthemselves]

I have changed. I am not the person that I was yesterday. I had read somewhere people never really change unless they have been hurt enough. I can say from experience it is true. I don't want to be loved by anyone anymore. The people that I loved, made me feel worthless. It is so painful. It is agonising when someone you love hurts you and you don't hurt them back because hurting them would hurt me even more. They say love doesn't hurt, I've only ever been hurt by people that I have loved.
It is like they have me in a chokehold and I'm concerned about them having to apply physical force.
If I had the ability to stop people from loving me. I would do everything in my power to not let them love me. I cannot love them back. I think I have run out of my reservoir for love.
I cannot stop loving the people that I love. It is psychologically impossible to stop loving someone. You either never did, or you always will. Nature can be really cruel sometimes
The worst part is they are making me cry and I can't see tears in their eyes. Inserts curse word.
I hate myself for not being able to stop loving people. 
Ernest Hemingway has said, "Everyone is broken, some are just beautiful at the broken parts"
I think I have skipped the beautiful part.
I don't feel loved by people that claim to love me. But I have the sky, the sun and me, although ablaze, terrified and numbed, but still me. A failure, cheap, stupid, weak and confused but still me. An unloved child, but still me. A disaster but still me. A catastrophe but still me. Ugly, but still me. Fat, but still me. Hated, disliked, made fun of, but still me.
I don't want to lose me.
Also I don't want praise or admiration from anyone. I genuinely don't believe that I am capable of being loved. I just wanted to say all of this here.
I don't believe people when they say something good about me.
Also I love you all, alot actually, I may not know you, but I am praying for you, rooting for you.
I may not be able to make my pain go away, but i will sit with myself when I cry.

[Papa Coco]

Someone,

Your post here is so open and vulnerable, and I find beauty in that. The message is an honest admission to what you are truly feeling about a dangerous world that we live in, but the honesty and openness about your post are what I find to be so beautiful.

I pray for you as you are praying for us. It is my humble opinion that we humans are connected at some etheric level, and I believe that when we care about one another, we move a little of that care toward each other. Those of us who respect that etheric connection feel the pain when those connections are tromped on and used as weapons. It hurts because we know it shouldn't happen at all.

I have long followed a saying I'd heard as a kid: We have two hands, one for giving and one for receiving, and if we keep them both open, we become a functioning conduit of care and healing.

I feel what you are saying above. I resonate with much of it. I am sorry for the pain that drives it, but I appreciate people like yourself who are open and say the truth about how we are truly feeling.

I believe every word you say. For years I've told people that it was those who loved me the most who did the most damage. Strangers who betray are just a nuisance to be avoided. But lovers and friends and family who betray cut at the deepest parts of our hearts.

I hope this particular connection that we all share on the forum with fellow victims of family betrayals can act as a connection for you, as it does for me here.

Our anonymity here makes any connections to one another much safer than most other places in our lives.

[someonewholovesthemselves]

Dear PapaCoco
I'm so glad this forum maintains anonymity. I feel safe when I'm invisible.
I have come to the realisation that I cannot ever stop loving anyone that I have ever loved, it is not possible for me, what I can do is stop them from ruining my life. And stop myself from hurting them, I don't hurt the people I love.
I am so glad you are here PapaCoco.
Love
Someone

[Papa Coco]

Someone,

I really like what you said that you cannot ever stop loving anyone that you have ever loved.

Those words are swirling around in me right now. I mean that literally. I'm feeling chills all up and down my spine as I think about how I fit into that same truth. I think you are on to something that I didn't realize is true for me as well.

I'm also glad you are here Someone.
Papa Coco

[someonewholovesthemselves]

PapaCoco
You made me smile
A smile that welled up tears in my eyes.
Someone

[Papa Coco]

Someone,



PapaCoco

[Beijaflor57]

Someone...thank you for your courageous vulnerability.

I actually resonate with much of what you shared. I think one of the worst and most painful outcomes of having C-PTSD is that it damages our ability to give and receive love. I still struggle with this. I never feel worthy of love, praise or recognition and often shy away from them. I'm in my 40s, currently single, and haven't dated in years. Mainly because I'm absolutely terrified of being loved in that way and don't feel I deserve to be.

It's so, so hard. And it's harder still when most people around you don't understand.

But my challenge to you, and to myself, is, no matter the pain and struggle, don't give up on love itself. Especially in giving it to others who need it. This is where I've found the greatest joy and purpose in my life. It's what keeps me going when I feel I have nothing to live for.

In the end, loving others, even when they don't love you back, or least deserve it, and even if it's from a distance, is always worth it, in my opinion.

[Kia1212]

someonewholovesthemselves - exactly my thoughts and sentiments. How did I end up at 67 years of age and not experienced a loving, non-abusive relationship. It boggles my mind how clueless I was to the reality of my life. I thought I was happy until my reality became a totally different one after I started feeling the effects of complex ptsd and burnout, from all the years defending myself. To no avail. Its exhausting.