Setbacks after death mother

[Resilientmamawarrior1982]

Hello I spent 4 1/2 years in trauma therapy so I felt I could cope with Cptsd symptoms pretty well. Then last year my mother passed away. I was there along with my siblings until she took her last breath. Prior to my mother's passing and during therapy I had come to realize my mother knew my eldest brother was S/A me and had abused my two older sisters. However over this past year my mind wasn't sure about this. My mother coerced me when I was 13 to accuse my father. However as I grew up she still stayed in a close relationship with my father. When I was an adult I had my first breakdown and told the truth that it was my brother.He took his own life the day the police were coming to question him. The years rolled by I had my four children and started trauma therapy. I have a good life now so I find it very frustrating when I have flashbacks or nightmares as I can't really share those memories with anyone. I have an amazing husband who is quite supportive. But still some memories are just too terrible to say. I am glad I have written this. Please can you give me any advice?

[Chart]

Resilientmamawarrior1982, I can't even imagine giving advice. Cptsd is so big and so complex... it's life-long for me. I'm so sorry to hear your story. Trauma is so very hard to cope with. I empathize and send love and support. Hoping peace and balance for us all.
 

[Resilientmamawarrior1982]

  Thank you for the hugs. You are right everything associated with Trauma is so Complex. I hope you are having a peaceful day. Sending hugs back to you 🥰🥰🥰

[Blueberry]

Hello Resilientmamawarrior1982,

Welcome to the forum!

We're not big on giving advice here, more like mentioning what I did in a similar situation and you can see if that fits your scenario. Often not even that, just giving mutual support and validation.

As Chart said, it's complex, and it certainly is. Our histories have a lot of similarities, but then subtle differences. And our healing paths are not always the same, not at all.

I'm sorry about what you experienced. A parent knowing about abuse and not rescuing the victim (you in this case) is common on here, unfortunately. Blaming somebody else (in this case your F) is a betrayal of you (maybe of him too - yours to decide).

Some things are too terrible to say. True. Could you write them? Even just bit by bit? Somewhere on the forum? Or in your own paper Journal if you have one? I've found writing bit by bit over the years has lessened the load I'm carrying somewhat.

Possible places on the forum:
1. Letters of Recovery https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=43.0 Here you can write - among other things - letters to your abuser(s) / neglecter(s). It can be healing to direct your anger or pain or whatever directly AT them. These are letters that you will never send, so you don't have to be particularly careful in writing them, so long as you stay within Forum Guidelines.

2. Sexual Abuse, on the Development in Childhood board: https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=159.0  Sometimes reading other members' posts can be helpful too  There's also a General support thread for CSA Recovery pinned at the top https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?topic=16345.0 though if you want to write a lot, good to start your own thread!

3. On the Relationships with Others, Family board https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=182.0 you will find some posts about setbacks when an abusive or enabling parent dies and of course you can add your own


4. Many people on here start a Recovery Journal, very popular on here the past couple of years https://www.cptsd.org/forum/index.php?board=61.0
In your case I might advise against it, at least for the CSA part. The trouble with Journals is that they get very long and I imagine that I'm not the only one on the forum who has given up on following Journals of new members (and lots of old members too) because it is too much for me. But if you wrote something on the CSA board, probably more or less everybody on the forum with CSA in their past would see it and maybe respond. So, that's something to consider.
I admit, I have my own Journal but I do write some of my CSA stuff on the CSA board or other stuff on appropriate boards.

  for you on managing to live a pretty good life after about 4.5 years of trauma therapy! I can't really say that for myself, tho there have been times where I thought I'd made it to then come crashing down again and got back on a waiting list for therapy. I would suggest that it might be helpful for you to go back into some form of therapy, unless of course the forum is enough support!!

[Papa Coco]

Resiliant,

We have a lot of trauma to unpack. Letting it unpack slowly, in measures that we can deal with at the moment is all we can do. The word Complex indicates that one thing is made up of many parts which lead to many other parts in a web of relationships. We have the butterfly effect living within ourselves. If you touch one part, all the other parts move too. You pull one apple off a tree and the whole tree shakes, maybe even causing other apples to fall unintentionally. It took decades to create the whole trauma web, which was many traumas building onto other traumas. And it takes time to unpack it carefully so as to relearn how life can be without it. It takes time.

I spent many years drinking to hide from the trauma. I used Alcoholics Anonymous and Alcohol rehab to finally quit. In AA, they teach and teach and teach that the goal is for progress, not perfection.  Progress is far, far more attainable than is perfection.

Many times, I felt like I had been in therapy long enough that I'm healed now. Yay! I'm healed. But then a week or a month or a year or two years would go by, and I'd be struck by another traumatic flashback and I'd be crushed. I began to believe I was incurable because I kept thinking I was cured, only to find out later I wasn't.

I was focused on a cure.

Now I'm focused on trying to accept one aspect of my trauma disorder at a time. I am paying more attention to the journey than the destination. It's nice. As I accept one little part of myself at a time, I get to feel a little bit better and more in control of my emotions and flashbacks with each tiny success.

I have finally come to accept that I will never be a person who wasn't abused. My past will never go away. But I CAN be happier today than I was a year ago. I can feel better and better with each treatment and each epiphanous moment as they come through.

Progress rather than perfection. Progress feels good in and of itself.

In his book, Letting Go: The Pathway of Surrender, Author David Hawkings recommends reminding ourselves to keep some sort of mental or physical record of our successes. He writes that as we heal from something this traumatic, that we tend to be focused on the shovelful we have in front of us but forget about the pile we've already thrown behind us.

My therapist keeps notes of my successes. Sometimes, when I'm complaining that I just can't get better, he literally lists off the successes I've had and reminds me of how much more unstable I used to be than I am now.

I call that, "keeping my successes in my back pocket" so I can take them out and look at them when I'm feeling defeated.

I'm happy to hear that you have a supportive husband. That's a big help. And I think you are doing a great thing for yourself by posting your situation where others who share in this complexity can respond and support.

I think you are wise to bring this question to the forum as well as your therapist. As far as therapists go, I read once that when we are supported by our superiors (I.e., our therapists or bosses or anyone who we see as an authority) that we gain some good feelings in one part of our brains. But when we are supported by our peers, it's a totally different part of the brain that gets supported. So it's good to do both. When our authorities support us, we feel one good feeling. But when our peers surround us and support us, we get a completely different benefit--community. It's good to do both; Get help from experts and get support from peers. Our healing progresses more completely when we cover both bases and feed both parts of the brain.

I'm pulling for you

[Kizzie]

Your M passing away must have been a really unsettling event for you and one that likely is bringing more of your past to the surface than you can manage well. Are you still seeing a therapist? It may be that working with a professional as so many of us here do may help you process all the pain and anger that comes with the death of an abusive parent. Also, you can share your memories with us as we do understand and will offer care and support.

I think you're very brave for posting about something that is obviously so painful 

[WabiSabi]

No words just