Some words about me

[Lina]

Hello, hopefully I will find some support here, while reading and writing. I grew up being bullied for years, never found a safe place for a longer time, especially during my teenage years. Always on the lookout. My parents were both emotionally not very available to support me. My father abused me emotionally and sometimes physically. Both bringing their own childhood traumas with them. My father was in need for validation and love, I experienced him as a helpless, lonely, hurt little boy and that felt as a burden. I was given responsibility for him being unhappy. 'You are destroying him', was one of the repeated messages, while I was behaving like a normal teenager, suffering from bullying. My adolescence was also a hard time, lately I am becoming more conscious of this. Leaving my family when I was just 17, trying to function in the adult world, while I felt like a vurnerable, little girl. Dissociating, meeting a lot of people, also therapists, that were not validating me, on the contrary, giving me harsh feedback or insulting me. All these experiences created a fertile environment to develop an eating disorder, traits of a personality disorder and episodes of depression. Different therapies have supported me, like rTMS, and since a few months I am addressing my childhood traumas more directly and it's the first time that I think I have the courage to endure the intense healing process. So right now I am having a lot of severe emotions and tension but also hope that I will experience post traumatic growth. I long for a life with more moments of joy and less disturbance of my bad mannered inner critic, attacking my inner child. Helpful resources for me are being in touch with my inner playful child, my creative mind and being meaningful for others.

[Kia1212]

Welcome Lina, you found the right spot. I don't think of it as having issues, it's more likely you are the truth teller of your family. And I am glad you are getting the healing required. It gets better after a while. Just takes time. I also am trying to see more joy in life, which will come back after healing from the sadness of living with and around abusive people. So my life is currently peaceful and greatly appreciated at this time.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. I'm also glad that you have been getting effective therapy and are making progress along the healing path. Good for you.

[Lina]

Thanks for the warm welcome and the kind words.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Lina.  I left home when I was 16 and I agree it's such a vulnerable time but we do it or at least in my case I did it because the alternative was worse.

I did not know I had CPTSD until my mid 50's and one of the things that really helped me was getting in touch with my inner child and just having fun so she would trust me and maybe not be so sad.  It did a lot for me I must say and I hope the same is or becomes true for you 

[Darkhorse]

Just want to say a quick hello to you too, Lina.
I think you will find some joy.
It's totally possible.
This site is a great place to start.

[Dalloway]

Welcome to the forum, Lina. I´m sorry for your suffering, but it´s great that you found help that seems to be effective and a path you can follow. 

[Lina]

Thank you, for the first in my life I feel somewhere hidden inside hope that  I can leave most of the trauma in the past where it belongs and that I no longer need to carry this always present feeling of guilt with me. EMDR  and schema therapy are helpful for me, but of course it's hard work, especially resisting the tendency to avoid. Probably recognizable...

[Chart]

Welcome to the forum Lina. So glad you found us and your healing work has begun. Sending support!

[Lina]

Thank you Chart for the kind words. 

[Kia1212]

Welcome Lina! Right place to be to be healed. Thank god for the internet. Therapists are just coming to realize the impact of abuse, emotional, psychological, etc. and it feels good to know that what I experienced was very abusive, but I was just dealing with a lot of psychopathic people, who would never admit to being wrong or abusive. Hope you find peace.