Saying/doing things I later massively regret, "hysterics", and gender dysphoria

[geckoskittlezx7900338]

A day without internet access (and the only time I left the house was walking to Co op and back) really did indeed help me get out of this awful state of hypervigilance or something. Now I feel a lot calmer. But also regretful of everything I said and did prior. Sometimes I am so numbed by the lack of internet access (well it depends) that I believe I have fully cured and healed myself, only to really prove myself wrong when a spiral happens again.

What i wrote very recently, obviously likely in a more agitated "triggered" state

So basically what happened was a few months ago I tried making a youtube channel about myself, introspection, dreams, coincidences, typology, etc but this recurring commenter made me uneasy (not to mention how I was comparing myself to the youtube accounts which could easily pull off being way less NPC-like than I could effortlessly, in ways my dumb pre-programmed mind could never comprehend) e.g. as a few examples "If you don't like the way a stranger is dressed do you lash out at them?" or how they specified for no apparent reason how they rarely leaved the house, they didn't care about their physical appearance, they daydreamed a lot, they preferred their coffee black, etc and I was the opposite, making me feel even more insecure.
Following this I unsurprisingly deleted the channel, but its aftermath was utterly disastrous. I fell down another embarrassing rabbit hole of obsessing over typology, it got so extreme I can barely leave the house or engage with other people IRL without thinking to myself "How do I appear? Am I speaking too loud? Am I over-reacting? Am I acting too impulsively? Am I being too selfish?", within the past few weeks or so it spiralled out of control to the point I really was self-jeopardising (I want to be the opposite of hysterical, being less emotional or less emotionally expressive is so important to my self-esteem, but the other day I ended up in a police station crying my balls off just because this one person told me the bus had broken down when it had arrived on time and I suspect they recognised me and were taking advantage of something I was clearly very insecure about). I was so ashamed. Just beyond ashamed.
Not to mention how my F-x-x-x-x-Y found about this and I am even more disturbed. For such a long time the very controlling and argumentative stepfather viewed me as the opposite of how I self-identify (hysterical, childish, impulsive, illogical, etc) and took advantage of it e.g. by being far more overprotective of me than he was with either of my <younger> brothers, resulting in even more embarrassment and gender dysphoria (not to mention that literally all of them use my birth name and pronouns). I've spilled the tea even more and it's all my fault. I remember how when I used to speak to my brother, every time I went through a change of Idk like overall aesthetic preferences I'd refer to my younger self as a virtually separate entity, supposed to be more [undesirable personality: overly emotional, severely autistic, religious, hoarder, eats a lot] than my present moment self [desirable personality: detached, high-functioning autistic, nihilistic, minimalistic, hates eating] and talked about with ridicule, and each of these different "younger selves" were supposed to have different vibes from each other, but what they all had in common was overall ugliness, everything I do not like both aesthetically and behaviourally (e.g. 2022 self was unkempt in an actually hideous way brown hair, black vans shoes, meltdowns in public every day. 2023 self was sweatpants (which my brother finds very ugly) and smoking joints from the floor (Ik its embarrassing but its because I wanted to smoke weed but at the time I had no connections whatsoever). 2024 self according to my brother anyway had "Kurt Cobain hair" and was more dramatic than the standard definiton of dramatic). I would not be surprised if now my brother view my 2025 self as "hideous Freddie Mercury esque glam rock rockstar guy with make-up" or something.
I am so ashamed of myself. I don't like how in moments of great distress, calming down or cheering up is pretty much impossible. For example I hate how whenever I vent like this on the internet, because I am desperate for sympathy or better yet advice that actually helps, I often get told "thank you for being so brave in opening up about your story" (it is so triggering). I hate how in real life whenever I cry people tell me "calm down", which is also triggering because like I said being emotionally expressive (especially to an excessive extent, e.g. flamboyant and theatrical) is not part of how I self-identify. On top of that I do not like how whenever I complain to therapists etc about how I don't like whatever traits in myself, all they tell me is something like "you're allowed to be [insert whatever trait I hate in myself]" I see where they are coming from but it just doesn't help.
the pain of being that one person screaming hysterically, as someone that is particularly ashamed of emotions and values looking more unemotional, meanwhile everyone else is way chill is just unbearable.
And also how I would post things to the internet I would later regret. Massively regret.