I'm struggling

[Okthenrighton]

Hello, I am here to introduce myself. I am 24, learned about cptsd a few months ago, and have started therapy and medication. I have been so lost my whole life and always always thought I was the problem. I have a terrible relationship with myself. I am struggling so much these days, and I have been for a very long time. I just constantly avoided and ran away from myself and now the reality of my life is setting in.
I barely even understand my own trauma, but I struggle with feeling like I have the right to say I am traumatized because I feel like I did not have it bad enough.
What I am dealing with in the present is that I am completely alone. I have no close relationships, no friends, I can barely even manage acquaintances. I have so much shame and inner critic activity. I have pretty extreme social anxiety but manage to hide it well enough. I know I need to heal my relationship with myself, but I have no idea how to do that when I can't stand myself. I am suffering so much. I can't enjoy anything. I really don't see the point of continuing but I keep waking up every day and trying to no avail.
I want to keep this short, but I just wanted to put this out there and see what happens. Thanks for reading.

[NarcKiddo]

Welcome. I'm glad you found us. Your experiences will resonate with most people here - probably everyone, in fact.

Many of us also feel that our trauma is not "worthy" because others had it worse. It's a very typical attitude for sufferers of CPTSD and can be difficult to handle because others can inadvertently reinforce the idea. Someone here has been told straight out by someone with PTSD from a combat situation that the trauma coming from war is real but something coming from more "minor" types of abuse does not count. Well - it does count. Imagine tapping a glass against a wooden floor repeatedly until it breaks. Compare that with dropping a glass from height onto a concrete floor. In both situations you end up with a broken glass. In some ways, breaking the glass by constant tapping is worse when you look at it that way. Think just how constant and deliberate the abuse of the glass is while it gradually sustains more and more damage.

I am happy that you have realised what the issue is and that you have started addressing it. Healing can be a long and hard road but it is so worth it. You are lovable, and you deserve to be loved, including by yourself. Keep on keeping on.