Derealisation?

[Indigochild]

Hello everybody

I was just wondering if any of you experienced this, and if so, if you think what i am experiencing is Cptsd related and possible derealisation.

Does any one ever feel as though things are just a bit different from normal, ie. the day or the week..and your not really sure why, it just *feels* different?
This happens for me if its sunny, but i think that is because Im not a fan of summer.

But sometimes, it is more than the weather making me feel murky. 
This happens too when i get back from holiday, as if it was a good one, i miss the place ive just been to, and England doesnt seem to *fit* anymore.
But home seems different too, more so when i was little, it looks perculiour as you are seeing it from a different view than you normally do.

Anyway, this is different. It was very strong yesterday, after an argment with my partner. I was still mad at him and still am. I disassociate by zoning out. I slept for 14 hours as well, and felt i dont know if your would say disorientated...but felt, not right, that the world was different, i felt dazed. maybe this was too much sleep but i sometimes feel this when i havent slept for hours.

When old trauma is revoked, i feel out of sorts, as though the world seems different around me, even if it is still the same.
I dont have depersonalization though, and i dont look at my body or hands and think they dont feel like mine.

Today i feel as though the world is carrying on, but that i am watching, behind a glass wall.

[mourningdove]

I have variable amounts of derealization just about every day and what you've described is pretty close to the classic description of it as far as I can tell. I usually describe it as looking at everything through a fish tank. It's definitely possible to have derealization without depersonalization. I often have both, but just as often experience only derealization.

It does sound CPTSD-related to me, though I believe there could also be potential physical causes as well. But some amount of dissociation is expected with CPTSD anyway, so that seems more likely.

I definitely have shifts in perception when I am triggered. With big EFs, it would be comparable to being in a play in which someone has suddenly and drastically altered the lighting. But I think even the smaller daily ones might be having a similar but more subtle effect as well. I wonder if what you are experiencing is at all similar.

I'm sorry you are feeling as though the world is carrying on without you. But I'm grateful that you started this thread, Indigochild. 

[Indigochild]

Hi mourningdove

Thanks for your reply, and I'm sorry you also experience this weirdness, although you may enjoy it? I enjoy disasociating, but not derealisation if that is what i am experiencing.

I do think it is Cptsd related, as i read that it is a result of trauma. Deralisation and depersonalisation are both dissociation, and that is usually as a result of trauma. A lot of us had these in childhood.
It can be caused apparently by smoking weed.

I understand about the being in a play and someone altering the lighting suddenly.
Im not sure yet if this symptom comes after emotional flashbacks or not, as ive only started paying attention to it, in stead of trying to fix it. I always thought something was wrong with the world, not what was going on in my head and that it was my perception of reality that was different.

Thanks for your kind words, 

[jessetwigg]

I experience that quite a lot. Sometimes I zone/space out daily, just stare off even in the middle of a conversation. Sometimes I wake up and the 'air' of the day feels different for a while. Sometimes I don't feel like me, like a stranger in myself.
I put most of it down to normal but maybe its not, dunno.

[Indigochild]

Hey BlackPanther

Thats what i mean, that the air of the day feels different!
Have you ever felt that you wanted to be someone else so bad, that you hated being in your own skin and that it felt so uncomfortable and foreign to you?
I have had this, and not just over one person.
And i wonder if this is named depersonalisation, although its all dissociation, but I wonder if this not feeling right in your own body is the split between body and mind that happens when we disassociate so we can not feel our feelings.

Im not sure its normal, i think people experience this to a degree, not feeling normal in your self, but maybe more in a sense that they are finding out who they are, i know my partner has never felt this way, not comfortable in his own body. And he has never experienced the day feeling strange, and has never had out of body experiences etc. but probably dissociates from his feelings to a degree.

[jessetwigg]

On the Mayo Clinic website it states that during an episode of depersonalisation or derealisation "you are aware that your sense of detachment is only a feeling, and not reality."

The symptoms for depersonalisation are:
-Feelings that you're an outside observer of your thoughts, feelings, your body or parts of your body, perhaps as if you were floating in air above yourself
-Feeling like a robot or that you're not in control of your speech or movements
-The sense that your body, legs or arms appear distorted, enlarged or shrunken, or that your head is wrapped in cotton
-Emotional or physical numbness of your senses or responses to the world around you
-A sense that your memories lack emotion, and that they may or may not be your own memories

The symptoms of derealisation are:
-Feelings of being alienated from or unfamiliar with your surroundings, perhaps like you're living in a movie
-Feeling emotionally disconnected from people you care about, as if you were separated by a glass wall
-Surroundings that appear distorted, blurry, colorless, two-dimensional or artificial, or a heightened awareness and clarity of your surroundings
-Distortions in perception of time, such as recent events feeling like distant past
-Distortions of distance and the size and shape of objects

I have felt like I wanted to be someone else before many times but I couldn't tell you if that was just grief or jealousy or something else.
I hate being in my own body most of the time, I feel like my life and skin betrays who I really am but I actually couldn't describe to you who I really am.
Another thing I experience is the distortion in perception of time. Usually after I've had a hectic day when I lay down at night I feel like the world is going x10 faster then normal, my thinking feels right but my movements feel x10 slower. It's a very strange feeling.
Something else I was going to say to is that sometimes when the air of the day feels different it feels like dajavu back to a time in my childhood. Sometimes the sunshine will remind me of something from when I was young but I couldn't tell you what because I can't remember anything before about 12yrs old. It's very unnerving to get this feeling. I don't like it when it happens.

I'm glad you brought this topic up, its helping me connect some things, I hope its helping you to.

[Indigochild]

Thanks for that BlackPanther

Im very confused.  Maybe my T can help me figure out whats going on.
I have only started to pay attention to this feeling of derealisation, so I'm not sure if i can tell that its only me feeling it. I think i knew it was only me feeling it and know one else, but I thought it was something about the outer world i was noticing.
I never thought about it being caused by my head.
If i cant tell the difference, that means I'm psychotic? I know borderline is on the borderline of neurosis and psychosis.


I have had out of body experiences before when raging.
I remember looking at my arms when was younger and thinking they were so ugly, i couldn't believe they were my arms and i couldn't stop looking at them.
Remembering memories as if they happened to someone else.
I have two me's in my head. Maybe more not sure, but a parent one, as well as child one, which became apparent to me when a friend left (long story) and I said to myself that *its just you and me now* and i suddenly thought....who's me?
I have a lot of emotional numbness. I disasociate.

I think derealisation yes, not all symptoms, maybe the perception of time too.

Maybe if your not really sure who you are, that is why you perhaps wanted to be someone else?
Or a huge driving motivator to want to be anything but yourself.
Im glad the topic is helping you. Thanks for your help also 

[jessetwigg]

Hey Indigo

Sorry if I confused you.
Talking to your T is the best idea. If you can't talk out loud, have trouble putting sentences together try writing like you have here or take a copy of this in.
I hope you find the answers your looking for.

Also dont go stressing over a personality disorder just yet until you have talked to your T. Everything is different for everyone. The only way I found cptsd is because I didnt fit into anything else but I knew there was something wrong. Mayo clinic could be wrong.

[Indigochild]

Hey, dont worrie, its not your fault. I have looked it up o the net and was still confused, I really appreciate you sending the information and for your input.

Apparently not everyone fits all the boxes for a personality disorder, so thats understandable.
Apparently all personality disorders are caused by unresolved cptsd and are due to trauma.

Thanks for that, I do prefer to write things down.  I end up going in there with sheets and sheets of paper! 

Im not worried about a personality disorder. 
i have just found out i disassociate, and was wondering what this sensation was, and if it was a part of it.

[Indigochild]

ps. i just mentioned bpd because they said i had traits at age 19, but didnt want to diagnose, and i tick all the boxes. I think ptsd and that is all connected. So maybe if bpd is also what is going on...then maybe its a psychotic feature, but who knows. Disassociation in that and in cptsd is to be expected - as i have read.

[jessetwigg]

Hey
Im glad you have an understanding of what your difficults are. Thats good so yiu aren't swayed by anyones random opinion.
Can i ask? How would you describe it when you disassociate? You don't have to answer if you don't want to

[Indigochild]

Hey, sure you can ask. i just wrote this and hope its not too long.

I dont know sometimes when I'm disassociating. Im still trying to understands it, but when writing a timeline for therapy of things that happened at home, I had a lot of blank spots.
I could only remember before and or after the bad thing happened, but not the bad thing.
Or i remember a few bad things, but not what happened afterwards. memories are very interrupted.

I doubt i knew at the time that i was disasociating. 
Sometimes I was running on autopilot? Just *doing it*, whatever I had to go not break down and carry on.

I also had things with partner which were re traumatising, as they were similar to my mums invalidation, which he is now sorry for, now that he knows more and is learning, he is more...he sees things and treats people better.
But i had been spoken to and treated like that all my life, so i blocked it out after it happened and thought nothing of it, even though at the time it was painful. Now i dont fully remember what was said.

I have come out of my body before when i raged due to triggers.
It felt like I was standing behind myself, just watching what was happening. I did not feel like I was in control of my screaming and yelling, my throwing things etc. and my voice sounded distant and far away. Things sounded quiet. 

I have noticed lately that for a long long time, i have not felt emotions properly. I find it hard to cry. Even happiness i dont think i feel fully. 
I am able to just switch off / change the internal channel when things get bad, such as something bad happening in life, or someone leaving etc. and i turned off my feelings for my mum all my life so i think this is where i developed this ...ability.
A lot of the time i just feel a general numbness.

If i do feel sad or start to cry, my mind does this weird thing where i suddenly stop feeling sad, and feel absolutley nothing, and in my head, i feel suddenly drunk. 

Is this anything like what you experience?
It is easier to pin point the out of body ones and the drunk like feeling, where as, if you know no different, its hard to know if you are numb and not like most people.

[jessetwigg]

Hey indigo. Thanks for sharing that with me.
Im sorry you have to deal with these things.
I think I experience some of those, not the feeling like im standing behind myself one but definitely suddenly not feeling sad and feeling drunk instead. Also I never used to feel my emotions either, I didn't cry for 5yrs straight. Thats changed now tho and I feel everything with extreme intensity. I also know the autopilot feeling. I do that pretty much wherever something happens now. My memory for confrontation and conflict has always been not the best but the last few years it has become impossible. As usual I dont know if any of this is normal or not. I am a little bit worried about going to see a psychologist and being told I am just overthinking things and theres nothing wrong.
I hope you find ways to cope with everything that you have going on.

[Indigochild]

Hey BlackPanther

The out of body thing is when i rage, and only when i rage and that is always by accident. Maybe its because the rage is so strong, and maybe because expressing emotions and anger was never allowed at home.

Thats crazy that you now feel everything really strongly. That must be really scary, but it helps me to understand what might come. I think that you would feel things really strongly as your brain may be trying to adjust to years of not knowing what these sorts of emotions where, it is used to shutting them out and now it has to try to process them or well, feel them, i think the processing comes down to the person...but I'm to brain expert. 

Yes, your memory for confrontation and conflict isn't the best perhaps because you are disassociating. (unintentionally)
My T told me that once, we had defences, such as dissociation, but that coping mechanism wont always work for us in adult life, the mechanism becomes weaker so sometimes it will, sometimes it wont, and then thats why people use other unhealthy coping mechanisms to zone out.
Have you read the Pete Walker article on the 4Fs?

When you say:
*I am a little bit worried about going to see a psychologist and being told I am just overthinking things and theres nothing wrong*.
Oh my gosh...I was so worried about this too and I even said to her that my worst fear about this is that she will tell me in wrong, I'm over reacting, I'm sensitive, too irrational etc etc etc.
This is what ive heard all my life, and she is actually taking me seriously.
She said that no matter what someone did, its how they feel about what happened. And you are no stupid. If you fee bad about what happened- you wasnt delusional most likely at the time it occoured- so it probably was abuse.
I tried therapy as my one last shot after being screwed around by people who supposedly cared. So far its going well, but i constantly question her and we often talk about who's fault it is, as i often think shell blame me.

I would honestly give it a go, if you feel you can. Its meant to be hard, booking the first appointment is hard, going to your GP is hard, if you have to do that , I'm in the Uk. Its all hard, but there the anticipation (in my case) that therapy will come crashing down and ill be disappointed. I dont think it ever stops, but thats all why you are supposed to go there, because of these anxieties, I dont think they are normal.

Hope this makes sense?

And thank you so much. I hope you find ways to cope too, and I really dont think you would be experiencing the things you are right now with out a valid reason.