Unemployment, Flashbacks, NPD "Family" Business

[Hope67]

Wow GettingThere, such really great news     

[GettingThere]

I didn't hear back from the other job I interviewed for, but I completed the paperwork today for the one I was offered that I feel more comfortable with. I'm relieved things seem to be turning out! Thank you all again for your support <3

[TheBigBlue]

  
 

[HannahOne]

GettingThere I wondered how the job is going? Hoping it's turned out to be as comfortable as predicted and that you're able to feel safe there. I really identified with your struggle with a job. I too experience emotional flashbacks in a job, feel powerless, feel afraid. I'm volunteering right now to try to work through it. I was inspired by how you worked through your struggle. Let us know how it's going if you'd like to, if not of course that's totally ok! Thank you for sharing your experience in your post.

[GettingThere]

Hi HannahOne! Thanks so much for checking in. The job is going well so far. Everyone has been kind and respectful and I feel safe most of the time. Sometimes I do get EFs at work because some of the things the guys say make me think about other men I've known in the past who were frightening and violent, but what's been happening is that I notice when I'm having an EF, and I just go on break to calm down. And then when I come back, everything is fine and everyone is still calm and respectful and I'm okay.

The comments that make me flash back are sort of generic things that men say sometimes that are maybe not the best things to say, but that are not actually dangerous. Things like complimenting how another woman on the team looks (no one has ever commented on my appearance), or a guy saying he wished he had a girlfriend, or a guy saying that he feels frustrated that current workplace culture is finding it less acceptable for men to give women compliments. I've worked there for 3 weeks and it's an open concept office space and I've never seen or heard anything inappropriate happen to a woman there. The men on my team are extremely helpful and the guy who sits next to me even asks me every single time if it's okay for him to use my mouse and waits for me to say it's okay before doing anything on my computer. Sometimes certain comments make me flash back to other men who were actually dangerous, but the workplace culture of where I am now doesn't feel like the places I used to work at all.

For now, I'm just pretty much showing up every day, everything is fine, and I'm working on remembering that just because a man says something that maybe isn't the best and it reminds me of a man I used to know who was violent, that doesn't mean the guy I'm working with now is going to be violent to me.

Thanks for checking in and I hope you've been well! And thank you for all of your support 

[HannahOne]

So glad to hear that the job is going well!!!

I related to your EFs re: men at the office who may not be dangerous, yet say some things that highlight the difference between men and women, things that are hard to respond to as a woman. As a woman we are navigating being seen as professional, respected, vs being seen as a potential date, vs feeling like we're supposed to be "one of the guys" and not take these kinds of comments personally. I wish I could articulate it better. These comments aren't misogynist but they also aren't very sensitive, aren't professional, and can make us feel uncomfortable because it highlights that we are not men and aren't seen just as workers, but also as something else. Just that dynamic can be triggering. AND, as you notice, it doesn't mean these men are violent or dangerous.

Social relationships sure are complicated. Navigating them can be a job in itself. That you're noticing these EFs, taking care of yourself, and then returning to the commitment you have to your work sounds very positive!

[GettingThere]

Thanks so much for your reflection HannahOne! That's exactly how it feels; you put it so well. Like for example, my manager was telling another guy about an HR training he did where he was told he could only touch an employee once, and if he touched them more than once, it was inappropriate. My manager was offended by this because he thought the training was insinuating that he would touch an employee inappropriately. So he told the other guy that he fist bumps or high fives everyone when they make a sale and that he wasn't going to stop doing that just because of the HR training.

Now in my CPTSD brain, I create a story where my manager is super dangerous and has touched women inappropriately at work before and had to have the HR training because of what he did. But in reality, I will never know if that actually happened or not. It may have, and it may not have. All I know for sure is that no one has touched me inappropriately at work, and if someone does, I'll immediately quit. In all honesty, I don't think my manager has any idea that the thing he said about the HR training could be interpreted as full body terrifying for a female employee. Because he hasn't lived a life as a woman so he can't picture it.

I'm not trying to make excuses for him because he definitely has some level of understanding that saying stuff like that at work is not the best thing to say. I'm mostly just trying to reassure myself that he isn't actually dangerous. His primary motivation in life is making the most money for himself humanly possible, and he is smart enough to know that if he's inappropriate with the women in the office, we'll all quit and his bonus will be smaller.

But ya. I spend my entire personal life around other queer people who are extremely informed about consent culture, so this workplace is a major culture shock, but not actually dangerous so far 

[HannahOne]

Ya the workplace is not consent culture, although it should be!!!

One thing that helps me is to be aware of if I'm being too black and white about "safe" and "unsafe." If I think someone is not in the "violent" category sometimes I stop noticing small concerns. No one is 100% safe, if safe means will never do something offensive, never push a boundary they may or may not be aware of...the boss's behavior will tell me over time what his boundaries are like, his intentions, his behavior.

Right now there's no reason to assume he's violent or dangerous, and, at the same time, it sounds like you're  picking up on some concerning patterns and that's helpful! It alerts you to be ready to set boundaries if needed. 

I hope he never pushes any boundaries and you can just focus on work!

[GettingThere]

Totally agree HannahOne! Resisting all or nothing thinking is something I will always find challenging as an autistic person, but I am really working on it in this situation. Just like you said, I'm working on remembering that there's no such thing as a 100% safe person (at least in a workplace) and to recognize red flags while also recognizing when I am safe. So far it's been probably 90% safe, 10% red flags, and I am definitely keeping an eye on those.

The good thing is that because I'm working and studying at the same time, I have the base of my student loans and grants underneath me for basic necessities, so that if something unexpected happens and I need to leave this job or any job quickly, I can do that without losing my housing or grocery money. I'm gonna keep an eye on things and basically work this job as long as it keeps making sense to do so. The field I'm working in now isn't the career path I'm studying to do, so my current job is really just temporary.

Thanks so much for your reflections. They've been super helpful. Hope all is well with you!! 

[HannahOne]

Wow, having that base of support is awesome and gives you the freedom you need to take care of yourself. So glad to hear that!