Increased EF Triggers from Delving into CPTSD Literature

[lonewolf]

I picked up my Nancy Drew books today. 

Fun. Play. All of that 'stuff' is hard for me. Partying became my play and it was cool so I was cool (sad, right?). Work hard, play hard was my motto. Now I just want to get healthy, be happy and have some peace of mind. Have normal fun (whatever that is!!!!). This is a really difficult area for me. Is the Freeze type the workaholic? I just started that section in Walker's book and it's a lot of information to take in.

Cat, I think you are onto something with the "any attention is bad attention" idea.

Anything that draws attention to myself also draws emotional abuse to myself. Anything REAL that I show anyone will only give them more ammunition - and their barbed comments and smirks are only going to hurt the more because it's hitting something REAL.

Wow, that really strikes a cord with me too.

I'm feeling very fragile lately and I think it is because admitting my emotional issues means making myself vulnerable. Also, weirdly, the Nancy Drew books are triggering me -- because it was the one area that my mom showed me real affection by buying these books that I loved as a young girl. Now I am torn. How do I love these books again while recognizing that it is still unsafe for my IC to be around my mother?

[Convalescent]

Might as well be me who wrote that OP. I'm at the exact state where you are... I'm currently reading Pete Walker's The Tao of fully feeling. And it triggers so bad. Well, along with everything else I'm going through. It's so good to know that you're not alone (even though I don't want this for anyone). Big hugs from here. Be gentle and kind towards yourself. 

[woodsgnome]

Everything in this thread rings true for my experience. I now can do this better, and I think one factor is just knowing I'm not alone; that others have wandered into this swamp, and somehow are all of a sudden on the other shore, or at least we see it on the horizon.

I'm an inveterate reader, went through tons of reads about psychology, personalities, enneagram studies, spiritual tomes of all sorts (though I distinguish here from over religious ones--it was in a "religious" school of that type that...well, maybe I can go there another time; to go there in this post would push me over the EF edge ).

Still I avoided directly confronting the cptsd issue until I went to start with a therapist and discuss "spiritual" matters. So I naively thought. She poked around a bit, and it was obvious to her, and soon to me, that uh-oh--if I'm really wanting to get to the crux of my roiling mind, it would need to take me through that obstacle for any hope of healing. I cried at the realization, let go, and while I've had a long go over the years, feel that if no cure will ever be at hand, the healing is there, even if it disappears into the fog at times.

So all the reflections in this thread are very familiar, and those flashbacks do make for slow slogs, sometimes. And then, a few weeks ago, I'd been delving into Walker again, did an internet search, and came up with this site.

Similar experience here...I'd read a tad, but was finding it was EF city. So I'd look again, and it became more clear that here were, at last, people who GOT IT, who understood and were willing to share their own fears, quirks, wonderings, and keen observations to advance the healing from the storm.

So it's a hard row, but the currents and winds hitting the boat do die off sometimes, and we can at least experience some common relief. Lastly, I'd rather read as much as I can (if it's not the pandering and/or judgemental sorts of some). It can and does bring up EF triggers all over, but I even made it through 20 pages of Walker the other day without having to close it.  And I'm finding this site a rich font of wisdom based on experience.

[Convalescent]

Everything in this thread rings true for my experience. I now can do this better, and I think one factor is just knowing I'm not alone; that others have wandered into this swamp, and somehow are all of a sudden on the other shore, or at least we see it on the horizon.

I'm an inveterate reader, went through tons of reads about psychology, personalities, enneagram studies, spiritual tomes of all sorts (though I distinguish here from over religious ones--it was in a "religious" school of that type that...well, maybe I can go there another time; to go there in this post would push me over the EF edge ).

Still I avoided directly confronting the cptsd issue until I went to start with a therapist and discuss "spiritual" matters. So I naively thought. She poked around a bit, and it was obvious to her, and soon to me, that uh-oh--if I'm really wanting to get to the crux of my roiling mind, it would need to take me through that obstacle for any hope of healing. I cried at the realization, let go, and while I've had a long go over the years, feel that if no cure will ever be at hand, the healing is there, even if it disappears into the fog at times.

So all the reflections in this thread are very familiar, and those flashbacks do make for slow slogs, sometimes. And then, a few weeks ago, I'd been delving into Walker again, did an internet search, and came up with this site.

Similar experience here...I'd read a tad, but was finding it was EF city. So I'd look again, and it became more clear that here were, at last, people who GOT IT, who understood and were willing to share their own fears, quirks, wonderings, and keen observations to advance the healing from the storm.

So it's a hard row, but the currents and winds hitting the boat do die off sometimes, and we can at least experience some common relief. Lastly, I'd rather read as much as I can (if it's not the pandering and/or judgemental sorts of some). It can and does bring up EF triggers all over, but I even made it through 20 pages of Walker the other day without having to close it.  And I'm finding this site a rich font of wisdom based on experience.

Correct me if I'm wrong, it seems like you've healed to the extent that you're on "the other side", so to speak. How ... how should I put this. What's it like? How much further can you go with recovery and healing. How far will it get you? How is your life today? How is it to compare yourself today with then? Is there a lot of difference?

If you want to answer. Just (very) curious.

[woodsgnome]

Quoting Convalescent to Woodsgnome: It seems like you've healed to the extent that you're on "the other side", so to speak. How ... how should I put this. What's it like? How much further can you go with recovery and healing. How far will it get you? How is your life today? How is it to compare yourself today with then? Is there a lot of difference?

Convalescent, I've searched for a magic "out" for years...I wish there were such a formula but if there is it's the most elusive substance ever. And so I struggle on.

The only "healing" I've experienced is slowly learning to accept the pain and grief that happened, and by cooling excessive expectations that I would magically climb out of my hole. I hate that, though; at first I thought whoa, I will never accept being abused and utterly abandoned.

Until I realized an important distinction, however—acceptance is NOT, NEVER is the same as resignation. Acceptance of a condition doesn't mean I can't change how I relate to it NOW. That's frustrating to try and sort out, as there are so many variables to each person's situation. Whatever it was that made it seem like I've reached some promised land of recovery/healing...NOPE. What's different is that I've turned off the desperate search and just try to live more coherently, in this moment. I understand cptsd better, perhaps, but it doesn't, unfortunately, wash the stains out.

I did stumble on a book (The Deepest Acceptance, by Jeff Foster) a couple years back that helped a lot, allowed me to get past a lot of the shame and angst I felt. In theory—but I'm still working on it. I still have a lot of the anger and sadness. But I realized that acceptance didn't imply I was a loser or lost cause or needing to forgive what I can't forgive. That it's okay to be me, and that I'm fine--was then, am now; and now is all I control anyway.

I'm not recovered, but I'm also not sure what that really means. The flashbacks are horrendous; today was "bad" for me as regards EF's, and my hyper-sensitive psyche was easily bruised by something that happened. It bothers me that I can't handle things better; when I can relax I realize I am doing better than I once did. But better isn't the same as finding the answer, it's still scary, and it sucks, period. I'm lonely as * 'cause I can't talk to anyone I'd trust about this, including the last therapist I had (my ninth). But I kept looking, and found Foster's and other books on self-acceptance, other items like Kristin Neff's work on self-compassion, and slowly I began to see that acceptance and compassion, as discouraging as it seemed at first, made me feel better; that okay, the stuff doesn't go away but I can treat it as a bad movie and now the projector is turned off. Slim comfort but I'll take it.

The healing is the journey; we already have enough anxiety without defining the destination. Just by our being on this site, for instance; sharing insights as best we can, we're healing, albeit it may not always feel like it. And sharing the roadblocks and sheer desperation we all feel is a form of healing, ironic as it seems. I think acceptance is key, though; and it's not resignation to feel stuck. Cure? Well, maybe, but I've no idea what that means either.