Further down a path too long...leading nowhere

[woodsgnome]

I'm a personable, friendly person. People scoff at my personal notion that I'm shy, and I've come to believe that my self-definition was perhaps a screen to hide behind.

But I'm still lonely.

I'm valued for my knowledge and lauded for the natural ease and artistic skill to communicate what I know with passion. I'm described as fun, even wildly funny. I've had many adults and lovely children express their appreciation of my talents. I'm told I'm the greatest; often.

But I'm still lonely.

I never really wondered as to the why; there's a story and it's painful. It stays tucked in, 'cause the inner pain is at least safer than the outer risk of showing it. Even those who've gotten a peek—their words of comfort come off as cliché-laden streams of good intentions but they don't register. In the end, there's always the distance, the gap that won't bridge to my island of grief.

So I'm still lonely. Friendly, personable, lonely. I tell myself there's a difference between being alone and being lonely, and I realize I'm seeking self-comfort using other people's words from the books and articles I devour. Then I check what I feel inside; yep, still lonely. Then the mind-loop spins to wonder what am I doing wrong again. Maybe I really did deserve to be abused and abandoned in the first place, rejected as me but accepted for the show.

Therapy? Well, I hesitated seeing a T for years, found a couple (out of 9 total) who made a little sense, but it still seemed so...artificial. Like I really have to pay someone to be a friend? But I'm so friendly and personable—that's what I'm led to believe.

I was still lonely. Recently, someone who did see across to my island of hurt placed many long-distance calls to me. The message was always to reassure me that my kindnesses were always treasured and that she and her husband loved me, despite the passage of years from when I'd been their neighbor and boss, even. She said she knew I needed reminders...then, her husband dies, she follows shortly after. She even instructed her daughter while she was dying to remind me that I was loved. But have I said those awful words yet? I still feel lonely. Even the friends who could sincerely touch me, died. Alone and lonely, again. Totally illogical, I know...so answer me this: how logical were the wounds  that landed me in this hole to begin with?


Who'd really love me; the L word remains my biggest mystery.
I reach out to promising friend candidates, the ones who seem most likely to be open and honest. My personable, friendly manner—oh yeah, that's still there, is the response I always sense. To a point. And it stops there, 'cause no one can still the roiling waters. Sometimes I don't let them, I'll admit; but then I really try, and...what's wrong with me? 

Looking for help? I can find bits and pieces, sometimes lots, via some reading, some music, other artistic endeavors, but the feeling I've dreamed about the most remains elusive...I'm just a lonely mess. A friendly, personable, smart, cool, total mess. Still. And maybe the surest way is to have no way anymore. Heck, I already live in a semi-wilderness, a very real one I can see right out the window, in every direction. People tell me they'd love to live in my situation. Paradise. Yeah, right. Oops—I need to finish this rant and be off to some friendly, personable thing, I reckon. If you've read this far I'm sorry it was so dreary. And too long, but the words slipped by and I couldn't tuck 'em all back in.

Odd—I glanced at a daily meditation I receive just as I finished writing here and  found these words leaping at me:  "Do not abandon what is moving within you. Weave a home for the lonely one, the confused one, the hopeless one, and the disappointed one. For these ones have come as love in disguise, to reveal just how vast and alive you truly are."

Perhaps. I don't believe it, but maybe don't have to. I'm lonely is all I've ever known. Must love always come as a disguise? 

[mourningdove]

Sorry you're feeling lonely, woodsgnome.

[Kubali]

To Woodsgnome

I read your post and have had a think. Lots of it resonated with me as I have many times felt the self same confusion and pain. It's a frightening place to be isn't it? Feelings of aloneness for me are vastly different from crushing loneliness. Like you I've done lots of research on anything and everything relating to suffering. Sometimes things 'go in' sometimes I reject them and keep searching.

I had a breakthrough that helped me. I don't know if it would help you at all, but maybe it will start another train of thought. Something I realised was that ' searching for answers' became an end in itself. I could operate on an intellectual and conceptual level and invariably avoid the pain of ' feeling' the pain. Especially the pain of loneliness. I asked myself what or who was I lonely for. The answer came back ... Recognition... From who?? The answer was simple. From Me.

I was lonely for me. For my authentic self. Like I was 2 persons. One operated front of house, so to speak. This was the Mask. Like you I invested energy into being witty erudite charming etc. The 2nd person operated at a deeply unconscious level. Her presence was sometimes felt but mostly ignored. Had to be ignored. Too much clamouring too much pain. I rejected her. Just like my FOO had. Utterly and completely. This part was my REAL self. The authentic self that I was born with. Innocent. But this Self had been betrayed. By all of us. No one wanted her at all.

My lonliness sprang from 2 sources. The original betrayal of my FOO was so immense and so life-threatening that I had to believe that it was ME who caused it. I had to believe this so I could function by trying to be better. To please. It gave me the impetus to survive. I had a certain amount of control over the situation this way. I could always try another way. Do something different. Then they would love me. Makes sense doesn't it? Especially to a child. The belief that things were out of control and I was powerless never entered my head. That means Death. Yes?

So this unconscious part of me IS smart. She knew about everything. But she was banished to face grief and death alone. And she was and still is LONELY. She is lonely for ME. Other people are fleeting substitutes. Their words however kind will not 'go in' because I need recognition from me first. Nothing else will do.

I don't want to feel the 'fear of death'. I have been there before. But I had to. And I survived. The feelings did not kill me. The betrayal of my FOO hurts. But it hasn't killed me. The betrayal of Me to Myself hurts. But it hasn't killed me. Scary scary scary. But reptilian brain is slowly painfully accepting this new Truth. Feelings are not life-threatening.

I am lonely still. But at least I know now Who I am lonely for. I'm lonely for recognition from me. I need the Truth. Truth is I was innocent. I was betrayed. I am the good person I am 'masking' It all comes from me. It's all me.

That's part of my healing journey. Maybe it will help stir something in your unconscious. Like the meditation you read. "Something is moving"  maybe it's time. I read somewhere that you only receive as much as you accept. That helped me loads too. I had to accept the Truth. My innocence. Perhaps the voice of your Innocence is lonely for recognition from you??

The Truth comes from a place of peace


The Truth comes from a place of Peace.