Not trusting my feelings

[Lifecrafting]

As a new member, I have spent a few days perusing the site, reading and sorting through thoughts/feelings. Thank you all so much for being here!
Inasmuch as I've made the decision to take action toward helping myself, I am completely overwhelmed by the task at hand. I know many of you have been there or are currently in the same place so I'm looking forward to your hearing your thoughts.

What I've chosen to focus on first is the lack of trust I have in my own feelings.
If I look back, I find situations where my "intuition" was positively reinforced so I know that much.
More recently, (past 6 years) I am in a relationship with a man I lived with for 2 yrs and then moved out. I recognize him as having many narcissistic traits but who says he's doing the best he can to work out our stuff...and who sits down and really talks with me when he knows I'm close to leaving the relationship. When we have these big talks, I believe he is sincere because he goes to a place we've not been before in conversation. (narcissistic control or " OH NO, SHE'S GOING TO LEAVE!!!" Are they the same thing?)
In between talks, I find discrepancies in his communications that I don't trust. He has given me reason for mistrust in the past so could it be my not forgiving/moving on that keeps me finding issues to mistrust?
The bottom line is that I truly believe that he loves me and I do love him. I also truly believe there is something wrong. Could the something wrong be that we're trying to maneuver in this ****** ** relationship, both of us with issues and that's challenging in itself?   What to do??? I haven't a clue.

So prioritizing... I've got to put things in perspective:
Serious trust issues with him; more important is the lack of trust in myself.
I have been drinking (not way too much but too much to feel OK about) for 4 years now; it's not out of control - I go to work, basically I'm healthy, the drinking is getting better every day but how much of an impact does guilt, shame, blame, not to mention the physical consumption of such a toxin have on my thinking? Right?    Geez.....
No 12 steps at this point. I have been in CODA and ACA.

I don't mind putting this out here; we have ONE Adult Children of Alcoholics meeting here in Kansas City; I would like to start another. If anyone is interested or knows someone who may be, you can PM me... Thanks.

OK. Basically, that's it. I'm willing to elaborate if needed. Please do share!

[Dutch Uncle]

I am completely overwhelmed by the task at hand. I know many of you have been there or are currently in the same place so I'm looking forward to your hearing your thoughts.

So, with the caveat that I AM in the same place (and have not yet moved beyond it), I'll give you my first, intuitive response:

What I've chosen to focus on first is the lack of trust I have in my own feelings.

Way to go, that IS the only first step that matters, IMHO.

In between talks, I find discrepancies in his communications that I don't trust. He has given me reason for mistrust in the past so could it be my not forgiving/moving on that keeps me finding issues to mistrust?

I'm a long time (15 years) bachelor, so I'm not going to enter into relationship matters. But on the subject of "Forgiving" I've posted my thoughts/experiences in this thread: http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=1089.msg7575#msg7575

Serious trust issues with him; more important is the lack of trust in myself.

The only thing I want to say/share over this is: The one can't go without the other, IMHO.
If you can't trust him, you can't trust yourself, and if you can't trust yourself, you can't trust him. It's a chicken-egg 'problem'.
But I do want to say (as you've stated yourself): working on self-trust is paramount, and this might include trusting your mistrust. If that even does make any sense.

In this regard I want to share a personal experience I recently had:
I went to see a team of psychologists/psychiatrists/psychodiagnosticists to see if I had a PD, and in one of the first 'intakes' I kept on blabbing about my FOO, and the fear I experienced (this team was specialized in anxiety disorders, and I was refered to them as presumably having one ([disclaimer]more an administrative move than any evidence based one[/disclaimer]) when I said "Anxiety is by definition irrational, no?". To which my main-contact-psychologist replied: "Uhhmmm, no. Fear can very well be very rational, Mr. Uncle." I uttered a somewhat stupefied response, to which she replied " some people will not accept any boundaries, no matter how firm you set them. Off course this triggers anxiety." (paraphrased)

While closing one 'door', this reply opened a myriad of other 'paths'.
Which I'm still 'investigating' and/or looking at.
But it surely opened the door to the prospect of: "maybe I'm not the 'problem' here."

I hope this helped in some way, and I hope things will work out for you.


Dutch Uncle.

[Lifecrafting]

Thank you Dutch Uncle, for your HO! 

"Forgiveness IS relinquishing the desire/ right to collect upon a debt that someone owes you."

Your response:
"For me 'debt' is not an issue here.
I'm dealing with theft.
It's not that 'they' borrowed something and refuse to give/bring it back.
I was simply robbed."

I totally get this!
I'm going to read the rest of that post when I can; thank you for sharing it.

"If you can't trust him, you can't trust yourself"
Really??? I'm not sure I get this...  If were "more together" and "knew myself" would that statement still be true?

"working on self-trust is paramount, and this might include trusting your mistrust. If that even does make any sense. "
This makes perfect sense!  Even though my instincts have been validated in the past and God help me, I need it more than ever right now... I just can't find a place where I am able to do that. This is primarily why I posted.

I believe anxiety can be irrational; however, I believe it also serves a purpose in that our bodies will tell us when something isn't right. For me, it speaks of being unsettled within, like my gut telling me something is wrong...
I wish I could respond to your sharing of your experience otherwise; I just don't know what to say except that I hope you found some benefit in it. Can you share the outcome with us?

I liked reading: "maybe I'm not the problem here."  It's only  recently that I considered that possibility; I think that's why I came looking for help.

Thank you for your time; I so appreciate it!

[Dutch Uncle]

"If you can't trust him, you can't trust yourself"
Really??? I'm not sure I get this...  If were "more together" and "knew myself" would that statement still be true?

"working on self-trust is paramount, and this might include trusting your mistrust. If that even does make any sense. "
This makes perfect sense!  Even though my instincts have been validated in the past and God help me, I need it more than ever right now... I just can't find a place where I am able to do that. This is primarily why I posted.

I'm glad te bolded quote made sense. That one is much clearer than the first one.
So, we both may as well forget about the first one  .

I believe anxiety can be irrational

Sure! But I though it was irrational by definition. And I now see this is not the case. It may be irrational, but it also may not be irrational. So, before this revelation by the psych, I would often get anxious: "Why can't I shake of this irrational fear/anxiety?", I kept thinking. Now I have been validated that my fear/anxiety can be very well be very grounded. That my fear/anxiety can be a sign of 'sanity', and does not have to be a sign of me 'not coping well'. It was such a validating remark!
I am now in the position to at least contemplate: "Is this an irrational anxiety you have, Uncle, or do you know exactly why you're anxious and you may as well stick with it because it's 'right' to be anxious about this."

I wish I could respond to your sharing of your experience otherwise; I just don't know what to say except that I hope you found some benefit in it. Can you share the outcome with us?

I'm not sure what outcome you are speaking about. But perhaps I shared the outcome in the above paragraph?

Thank you for your time; I so appreciate it!

Thank you. 

[Lifecrafting]

Good Morning!

It's Saturday, it's raining, I'm listening to the Himalayan soundtrack and catching up on this post - it's all good!
I have been involved in birthday plans for a 95 year old friend - it was a fabulous day yesterday, everything culminating in a wonderful celebration.
My apologies for lack of timely response but who knew?!?!?

How to insert quotes in a post is giving me some trouble ( may be my computer) but I will figure it out.

Dutch Uncle, you did answer the question I had about how things worked out for you:
"That my fear/anxiety can be a sign of 'sanity', and does not have to be a sign of me 'not coping well'. It was such a validating remark! I am now in the position to at least contemplate: "Is this an irrational anxiety you have, Uncle, or do you know exactly why you're anxious and you may as well stick with it because it's 'right' to be anxious about this."

I have been missing the mark where validation is concerned; all my life, I have worked myself to near death (my "go to" place of denial) avoiding the truth so being at a place where I begin to address me - sensing the idea that exploration of of anxiety and thereby gaining some ground on feelings and where they come from.... is GOOD THING. 
Well, it helps a bunch so Thank You so much for sharing your experience.
I haven't yet gotten to the whole forgiveness thread but I will today.

KayFly,  I completely understand all you shared with me and agree with your statements concerning sobriety and all that it can bring. I am grateful for your responses. I  do like your edited post better though  It helped that you shared a bit about yourself having been in a similar place...Thank You

I am beginning to understand that I've never felt like an adult, especially what it means to be a woman; I've always felt like a little girl but recently started learning to appreciate myself in a different light so I'm getting there.
I truly do want to craft my life and this is a very important aspect of the journey.

I'm halfway through Pete Walker's book. I absolutely do recall the statement he made about how a narc will draw one back in when it suits him/her. That's my top concern with regard to my relationship; it's very confusing stuff and the whole trusting myself issue is THE PLACE TO BE.
In terms of not trusting myself - not knowing where to begin....both of you have touched on good avenues of travel;
Thank you for sharing with me.
I appreciate you.

[KayFly]

I'm glad you are doing all that you can to evaluate and take care of you. Prioritizing is hard when you are faced with so much at once.

Keep reminding yourself you are an adult now. And be gentle with yourself.

I took my post down. I was having a hard night. Thinking I wasn't helpful.

I'm glad Dutch can help and that I provided some insight for you.

Sending you health and healing and clarity. It will get better.

[Lifecrafting]

Of course you help; both of you! Thank you so much!

Clarity....easy on the ears, simple in the heart, hard on the brain -