then and now

[wingnut]

Over the last few years,  I have managed to share almost all of my trauma in therapy. Sometimes I buried hard stuff in a listing of things to deflect the importance or mention it in passing in a scenario such as, "oh I was in a car wreck, burned my arm, was criticized, date raped and called to dinner late." Like maybe she wouldn't notice. HA. But regardless o f the delivery, I got it out there. Now many of the things we did not dwell on I just feel better knowing she knows.

I plan on bringing this up at my next session but my question is the focus on the now vs the past. Granted they may be intertwined to different extents but I am curious what the collective here believes: do we want to or can we gain from walking away from the pain and shifting focus entirely on the present and changing current patterns. In other words, are we remaining in victim mode when we continuously don waders and muck around in bad memories?

[Trees]

My brain is almost incessantly mucking around in bad memories.  Learning to "wear waders" to reduce the resulting harm is actually progress for me.  It is important for me to keep practicing awareness of when my brain is self-harming, so that I can redirect its activities, little by little.

[Jdog]

My two cents worth:  I think that being able to identify past events that create pain in the present is a good thing.  I think it is very important to give oneself time to grieve and a very generous amount of self compassion.  I do not think it is very healthy to always live in this space, however.  The goal, for me anyway, is to learn how to uncouple the past from the present so that I don't always feel like I'm dragging up all of the muck from the drain as I live my life.  There is no way to practice mindfulness of this moment here and now if it is always bringing the past along with it.

That having been said, it is very scary to uncouple the past from the present.  I have experienced a disorientation and a feeling of being "out of time" with myself lately as a direct result of trying to just be present in the here and now.  It's going to take a lot of practice to feel at home with the me that inhabits this moment.  But I do believe that I can learn how to trust that this moment holds all that I need in order to function and be whole.  At least that is the goal...

[wingnut]

Thank you for that.
There seem to be powerful memories that evoke emotion and pain and those to which we are numb or accepting. Some how the goal seems to be to disempower all of them and to let go.

Once in awhile one pops up and hits me in the head like a rubber band. And I'm contemplating whether dealing with memory is really what changes behavior vs breaking old patterns and habits. Again, perhaps they are entwined.

[Jdog]

I see what you are asking / not sure on this one, either...,

[Rrecovery]

Great thread, appreciate everything that has been said.  I believe that it's a delicate balance of the past, the present and changing habits. 

I also strive to practice mindfulness.  I see lately that I allow trauma and restlessness to divert me from staying present.  I believe that if I could stay present through greater levels of discomfort, I'd not only strengthen my ability to stay mindful, I'd also have a therapeutic breakthrough.  Such a difficult and delicate balance.

[Sandals]

"Do we want to or can we gain from walking away from the pain and shifting focus entirely on the present and changing current patterns. In other words, are we remaining in victim mode when we continuously don waders and muck around in bad memories?"

For me, the answer to this is that the present is changed only by healing what has happened in the past.

I hear what you're saying wrt staying in the past too long. If you're there continuously and unable to lift the darkness and find a release, it can overwhelm. It's a difficult balance and I'm grateful to my T for being on the journey with me as she can help me move things better.

Left alone, my natural tendency is to repress and avoid, focus on the present and shaping the future. But that hasn't worked out so well.   I really believe in the need to go through the pain instead of around it. To those on the outside, that may look like wallowing or self-pity, and it is hard for us to not absorb that viewpoint. But they are also not responsible for the healing that must be done. That rests with us.

So I try to accept that there will be those who have a misguided view of how I am processing and changing me, and try to be compassionate towards them when my vulnerability brings out negative reactions. But sometimes, in my humanness, I'd like to tell them to eff off.

[Stella]

This is something I have thought about a lot.  My partner struggles with how long I have been in therapy and often says to me that he feels there is a point where you have to stop being the victim and just move on.  He was physically abused by his mother as a child and struggled with depression.  He had 2 years of therapy and decided no more.  He says he has got to a point where he is ok and I completely respect that decision (although I have been known to tell him eff off).

My view is that I agree that you have to take responsibility for your own life -  but I believe by following this path that is what I am doing. If I stay in the present, ignoring and repressing what has happened to me then my unconscious will dictate my actions. My repressed anger will colour my relationships, my social anxiety will restrict me making new ones.  Am I not then a victim? I believe that awareness is choice. I need to identify what happened to me and grieve. Then I can choose how I act in the future. As to how long it takes - it took 20 years of daily abuse to make me who I am, who knows how long it will take to recover.

Having said all that I do feel mindfulness is a powerful tool especially against rumination, but just not in isolation. My experience of CBT has not been good, I find it triggers me badly in terms of 'getting things wrong'.

I hope I've got the right end of the stick with this thread - just re - read and now I'm not sure. Please do put me right if I've missed the point.

[Jdog]

Another two cents worth:  We are the experts on our own internal situations and get to process in the ways that work best for us individually.  Sometimes, that will mean focusing upon the past more than at other times.  I am consciously trying to give myself times when I purposely open up to past occurrences or feelings that are keeping me stuck.  When I can articulate a certain goal (such as learning about my critic and working to move it aside based upon stuff from the past) it seems that wonderful results occur.  Other times, it is just about being in this moment right now and not allowing anything to push me into thinking about the past.

I believe each of us has some inner wisdom about achieving this balance, and I believe that it takes a lot of practice to get good at keeping a balance ( kind of like standing on one leg for awhile).

Just my thoughts.

[Sandals]

Jdog: I agree. It's so important to listen to yourself and let that be a guide.

Stella: My gut told me that pure cbt wouldn't be beneficial for me, either. I'm glad that your current therapist is working well for you.

[woodsgnome]

Wingnut wrote: "...are we remaining in victim mode when we continuously don waders and muck around in bad memories?"

I'm reminded of a book by mindfulness teacher Jon Kabat-Zinn that was called WHEREVER YOU GO, THERE YOU ARE. And I feel that "you" includes all those memories of the mud, for good or ill.

My own experiences with this ranges from changing my name, moving to a different country, denial, acceptance, therapy, intense seeking, giving up seeking, in therapy, out of therapy, against therapy, back/forth/around, rare feelings of worthiness, more usual ones of inadequacy, times of just feeling dizzy with it all.

I've come to accept that this moment is all there is, cliched as that sounds, and to let go (short of forgiveness; I can't come to that point, and don't care to anymore; scratch it off the list). But staying with the present in these monkey-minds of ours; I've given that up as well. It's like the old saying of "try not to think of an elephant for the next five minutes" and of course you can't NOT think of it.

So I accept that there's mucky territory and it always somehow does pass, but it also could be lurking around the next corner and/or when the next EF happens. But I feel better equipped to accept it (which is NOT equivalent to giving in to it). Otherwise my expectations can outpace the reality when I hit the bumps, and it sets up my disappointment cycle for another crash.