Is this a flashback?

[gritstone]

New here, Hi!

At 58yrs old (male), I've just realised that I was emotionally and physically abused as a child.  And also I have been the subject of abuse for 58 years - it is still happening!  It's early days, but I'm positive about making some improvement to my life, now I know what's been happening to me, but don't expect a 'full recovery'.

I currently feel I've been 'abandoned' multiple times throughout my life.  I can site numerous 'hard facts' backing this up - the latest (which sparked off my recent 'awakening (out of the FOG)' was my wife of 30 years walking out, for no reason I could fathom (apart from her being a narcissistic, histrionic PD).

So, back to this abandonment feeling - how do I work out if it's 'just' a flashback - or in fact it's true, that I have been abandoned repeatedly, all my life?

It's a lonely place to be.

[Kizzie]

Yes welcome to OOTS Gritstone.   You may get a few more replies in this board as BeHea1thy has suggested. 

I'm so sorry to hear that your wife left and that you are struggling.  It would be difficult for anyone but for those of us with CPTSD, it can be doubly so because often this type of situation triggers a lot of past trauma so you have the past and the present, an overwhelming melange of feelings  as Pete Walker describes an EF.  There is a good list of grounding techniques on his site here http://www.pete-walker.com/ - just go to "Emotional Flashback Management."  Once I knew what an EF was and had some ideas for soothing or calming myself, the EFs were much less debilitating.  And coming here and therapy are helping me to process my childhood trauma bit by bit so I'm not triggering as often or as intensely.

I also wanted to mention that there is forum for our relationships with others that you may find helpful. In particular Bluevermonter is a member who has been dealing with a situation very similar to yours. Also, there is a "Search" function on the top right side of the page and if you search "abandonment" you will bring up any posts dealing with this.  There should be lots as unfortunately it's a core issue in CPTSD.

Glad you find your way here to us 

[VeryFoggy]

And I too welcome you gritstone and I am sorry your post got lost and I hope you keep checking back here and find that we do care and we are here.  I would like to add my condolences on the probably strange mixture of feelings you are probably going through at being abandoned by someone who you believe to be NPD.  Even though it may in the end be for the best for your life?  It doesn't make it hurt one ounce less and that combined with flashbacks can just be overwhelming.

I second Kizzie's recommendation about checking out Pete Walker, and would urge you to get Pete Walker's book Complex PTSD:  From Surviving to Thriving.  Pete goes into great detail about flashbacks.  I believe they are different for each of us, and Pete has broken us down into other categories of types.  So there are Fight types, Flight types, Freeze types and Fawn types.  Depending on which type you are it will alter the way you experience a flashback.

Myself, I am a freeze type and when I get into one really bad?  I cannot think, or speak, or function at all, and am gripped with paralyzing terror and emotional pain. Whereas a fight type in the same situation might get violently angry. So it depends.

But the book is truly a blessing and is almost our Bible. I wish you the very best and I hope we see more of you soon! Welcome!