Expectations of Therapy

[Dyess]

A friend stopped by and we were talking and she asked what I was expecting to get out of therapy. I didn't really know what to say except "help" So what are your expectations of Therapy?

[Jdog]

Hi, Trace-

My expectations of therapy are pretty much the same as they have been for a couple of years.  Getting help, yes, but also finding more of myself and learning coping skills that enable me to be more of the person I want to be.

[DaisyMae]

Agree w/ Jdog.  Looking for help definitely.  But more importantly trying  figure out who I am, find purpose, and what I want.   I have froze and dissociated most of my life and have been and done whatever everyone else expected. As my T calls it, peeling the onion.  It has taken 2 years but think I am close to peeling it all the wsy back.  Ready to start working on building a sense, feeling of self worth.  Taking day by day but more optimistic than I have been in a long time that I can be helped.  Learning the coping skills is very important to your journey as well. Good Luck and remember that only you can really decide what your expectations are and what is right for you.   


DM

[Dyess]

I only started therapy last December so I really didn't know what to expect. My first T kind of gave the wrong impression I think. I get confused when they say they want to build a healing relationship and they care, but that's kind of hard for me to swallow. The truth is they care as much as we pay them to care. It's more like a business relationship, IMHO.  We pay them for a service, they provide, that's it. Anyway.......I'm hoping this new T works out better. She's very in tune to what I say and what I don't say. I'm not used to having someone being that attentive to what I'm saying. She would be a good investigator.

[DaisyMae]

When I finally got up the courage to go to T, I thought the same as you.  I was lucky that my 1st T was the right T but it took me a long time to figure that out since I didn't trust anyone.  I started going to a 2nd T because I felt like the first one really was not able to relate to my situation.  I have became very overwhelmed in some of the sessions and I had a very difficult time managing the emotions as a result.  I realize now that it was my extremely dissociative personality that was the problem and that it was supposed to be hard sometimes.  I made a decision to switch therapists because the other was "nicer".  Finally came to realize that nicer also meant less challenging and I was not learning anything.  She really was trying to develop a long term relationship to get more money out of me, or at least that is what if felt like. 

I knew I had the right therapist when I asked my first if he would let me come back to see him and he didn't hesitate to say yes.  He put up with my hypervigilance, I write a lot to work through everything and send him emails that had to drive him crazy but he never shows it.  He reads it all and is attentive.  He doesn't have a policy of charging you if you miss an appointment.  Several times the sessions have run over by as much as 15 to 30 minutes depending on when his next appt. is.  I have tried to pay him extra but he will not let me.  He responds to emails when he thinks he needs to because I need validation or just to make me laugh, or need help with emotional regulation and never complains.  He has a family and does need the money. But he is a school counselor by day and then does sessions at night so he has to be passionate about really helping people because he could make more money doing other types of therapy.  You will know when you have found the right one, but make sure that you really give them a chance.  If they really care, you will know it.  They are not afraid to let you find your way and they will give more of themselves to help you.

DM

[woodsgnome]

Having been to 9 therapists (I may have counted wrong), I think I've learned one basic theme should I travel that route again. And that's to ratchet down any specific expectations, but approach it in more of a spirit of adventure.

Some T's were good listeners, a couple spent loads of time pushing their pet agendas, and a couple might as well have been blank walls. Mind you, I've a high IC/OC quotient anyway, so that factors into all of my interactions, for better or worse. I keep looking. But like one thread on this forum says, I feel like I need a T to see a T.

Currently I'm thinking online therapy may fit my needs better. I tend to freeze out and end up more frustrated than helped in live sessions, it seems.

I did at least find a dandy article on what a really cool therapy relationship would look like, so I'll leave you with this link:

http://www.lifewithoutacentre.com/writings/therapy-without-a-therapist/ 

[Dyess]

Daisy Mae sounds like you have an awesome T that does really care. Most T's will not accept emails, claims it's a privacy issue but I'm thinking more of I can't charge you for this issue. But that's okay. I have other options for getting my questions answered thank goodness. So hang on to that T

Thanks Woodsgnome I will give that article a look. Good luck with that email therapy, it can work, give it a try and see if it's an option for you.

[Jdog]

Wow- thanks so much, Woodsgnome, for the link to the article.  Very touching, and it rings very true in regards to the relationship my therapist and I have.  I don't need for her to know everything, or fix me, or even to be my friend.  I need for her to let me be completely vulnerable and then allow me to find my strengths in times of confusion.  I need validation, acceptance, and yes, love.  And I receive that time and again.  Learning self acceptance, countering shame, remembering that I am safe when my inner critic says I am not safe.  These gifts have come to me through my ability to trust that this person (whom I rarely see but write to frequently) is truly on my side and, for reasons I do not know (and which do not matter) cares very much that I learn to recognize the wholeness within me. 

I express my gratitude to my therapist frequently.  I am learning to express the gratitude toward myself, as well. 

[Dutch Uncle]

In a way it's the million dollar question, i think.
Almost to the point that if I would know the answer to what I expect from therapy, I wouldn't be 'needing'/looking for therapy.

In other words: I'm struggling to seek out the right therapy/therapist.


The other day I went to my GP, as I'll need a referral from him, especially if I want my health-insurance to cover the treatment.
So I thought about what to tell him, how I could best describe my 'want' or 'need'.

In short I'm a recovering alcoholic (did a program to 'cure' that) and then moved on to a psyche-evalution because I thought I had a PD. I have not, as it turned out.
So it's been quite a process I went through the last year, and while I made great progress I do feel the need for assistance in this still ongoing process. So I think I need a process-manager, or a process-assistant, or a process-guide, or a process-feedback-officer, or something in that vein.

But that sounds awfully vague.
I don't have a specific goal.
I don't have an 'illness' to cure. In the sense that I f.e. had my leg broken and now want it fixed so I can walk again like I used to. But I do experience a limp, am sick and tired of it and want to be able to walk with more ease. Wether that be will be hiking, running or some sort of 'moonwalk': i don't know. Any of those will do, I haven't done any of those so far.
And if need be, I'll sit in a wheelchair.

So I want to see somebody who can work out with me what 'walk' I could adept. As the limp had gotten quite severe over the past years, and not making any adjustments now will definitely cripple me more than need be.

Perhaps I only need somebody who can teach me how to walk with a stick, and I'll be amazed how comfortable that actually is. 
I'm around 50. I won't be winning the Olympic 100m final in any case. And I don't even need to win the 50+ race either. Just strutting along in the 'pack' will suffice.

[Dyess]

You would think it would be an easy task to find the right T, but it's not. If I felt better and was not in such a hurry to get to feeling better tis may not bother me. This healing has taken a lot longer than I thought , without much sense of improvement but I will keep trying as long as I can. I asked this new T more questions about her training and experience before making an appt. This I learned to do from people here. People that actual experience with T's, some are probably T's themselves, trying to recover as we all are. I guess we just need to let the `T know what our expectations are and hear what their expectations of us and the sessions are. Everyone get on the same page per se. Good luck on your journey and thanks for posting.

[Dutch Uncle]

I know from personal experience that finding a proper therapy is not an easy task at all.
On and off I've been looking for one for the better part of 20 years.
Even finding an effective treatment for my alcoholism was pretty hard. The program I did worked to a large extend, but in the closing meeting I was told that from the start she didn't think it was a program that was fitting for me  . Go figure.

The only validation I got from that was that I realized :"Oh, that's why it was such a struggle. I embarked on a program she didn't have confidence in, no wonder I felt so out of place."
Followed by deep seeded feelings of betrayal by the institution. I just had spend months of time and energy on a program not suited for me. And she bloody well knew it.

questions about her training and experience before making an appt. This I learned to do from people here.

Yep, I'm doing the same thing.

Thanks for your kind words of encouragement.

[Dyess]

I had some what of the same experience with a T, after about 10 sessions she told my GP that she didn't think I was ready for therapy.  I'm not a T but I'm pretty sure she could have made that determination sooner and talked to ME about it. The sessions were not going anywhere anyway and I was looking for another T. Seems like she didn't know what to do with me. I may have bombarded her with information from the get go trying to make it easier and quicker. Not going to do that this time, only giving what the T asks for.