Dissociation

[Dyess]

I'm so freaked out about what happened, I'm a basket case.

Had a horrible day today. Today is Tuesday, 05-12-15, and I thought it was Monday 05-11-15. I am out of work on STD and I have to call in every day to say I will not be coming in , even though they know I will not be coming because I haven't been cleared by the company to return. Anyway, I realize I hadn't called in on time today and I panicked. So I called in, admitting my guilt. Then it hit me today is Tuesday and I don't think I called in at all on Monday. For some reason I remember very little about Monday. I know I went to an appt., don't remember much about what happened there, I came home and lost the house cat outside and didn't freak out and I took a nap. That's all I remember about that day and it scares me and makes me mad too. So now I may lose my job over a no-call/no show. I know I have been having these moments of losing time , being in a fog. But not for this long of time, out of all times for this to happen. Why couldn't it have happened on my days off?

[Widdiful Falling]

I understand how you feel. I've gone through entire 12-hour periods when I don't know what I was doing, the dissociation was so intense. It's really scary, and life-ruining, and it makes me angry that we were forced to engage such a coping mechanism when we were younger.

Something I try to do when I notice myself dissociating is to look around me, and find, say, three items that are yellow. I repeat this with every color I can think of. If I'm driving, I use signs. Or shapes. Anything that keeps my mind focused on the present, so I don't cause an accident.

I lost my wallet this way a couple months ago. It was terrifying.

[Dyess]

Thanks for the response. I've had short episodes of zoning out but nothing like this and it's horrifying. I very much want to be in control and responsible for my actions. So this scares me to death and that others don't understand it and think it's something else that I do have control over makes it even harder. This super intensifies the waiting on the other shoe to drop and it may be soon since my employer will not tolerate a no show , no call. even though I couldn't go into work if I wanted to because I haven't been cleared, I still have to call in every day, at least two hours prior to my shift beginning.

[Widdiful Falling]

Best of luck with it. I hope your employer is understanding.

[Kizzie]

Hi Trace - do you have or can you get something with a aloud alarm you can set to break through the dissociation and let you know to call in?  It doesn't solve the issue of dissociating, but it might take the pressure/fear of missing the call down or away.

[Dyess]

Hi Kizzie, thanks for the response. The crisis took care of it's self. According to the Leave Dept I didn't need to call in anyway, my supervisor just forgot to tell me  All that stress and panic for nothing. Are you always aware of when you are dissociating as it happens? Seems like to me I realize I had gone somewhere in my head afterwards. Speaking of gone.....what do others see or feel when  they do this? I would have thought it might be a happy place in the country or on a lake or something like that but it's not for me. I see Blue (Dark sky blue) and like a fog with a light in the background. The blue is to the left of the fog, it seems comforting just don't know if it means anything.

[Kizzie]

That's great that it's resolved Trace - a lot of stress and worry for no good reason but at least you found out about not having to call in.

Re dissociation - I don't go to a happy place, I usually go to sleep and for a long time, or I zone out and things get kind of foggy - it depends on the degree of anxiety.  I do know now when it's happening but didn't always. And nowadays I don't dissociate much at all and not for lack of trying!   Sometimes it's good to dissociate (as in a trip to the dentist).

Your blue cloud sounds interesting, especially that it's comforting and not stormy or cold and daunting. 

[Dyess]

Hi Kizzie, it's not a blue cloud it's blue color to the left of what may be a cloud or fog, with a light behind this cloud/fog. Have you ever been driving in the fog and you see and oncoming car coming with its headlights on? That's kinda what this is, with this blue color to the left. Maybe the blue is sky and it's a cloud with the sun behind it. Maybe it's heaven, going to the light type of thing. Maybe it's my Dad in heaven. I don't know.

[Kizzie]

Sorry Trace, I didn't read closely enough but I see that's what you described and I do know what you mean now.  That's great that whatever it is or represents, it's comforting      For a while there a few months ago I would see this gray, cold, barren landscape when I woke up or fell asleep and it was really depressing and bleak, scared me actually.  I don't seem to be getting that anymore thankfully.   

[Dyess]

Glad you have moved past that area. I don't stay in that area long, I don't think, or maybe I do. The light intensity varies, almost get the feeling that I'm there looking for something, or someone, and I'm questioning if it is related to that light. I don't think it's anything to fear but you never know what's on the other side of something you can't see.