Am I expecting too much?

[Ruby888]

edit by moderator: Thread locked due to the original poster having left the forum. Feel free to start another thread on the same subject.


My partner and I have been together for over 15 years. He knows I've been dealing with cptsd and what I went through in childhood. However, I never feel I'm emotionally supported by him. Not sure whether it's because he was raised by good enough parents but he doesn't seem to understand how much I'm struggling.  The thing I find it difficult to understand is that he hasn't even googled cptsd to understand it. He tells me he loves me but I often feel alone in my head. Am I expecting too much from him?

[mourningdove]

Hi Ruby888 and welcome! 

I think it's very hard for people who have been raised by good-enough parents to wrap their heads around C-PTSD. That said, I find it hard to understand how someone could be in a 15 year relationship with someone and not even bother to Google a condition that their partner has and struggles with every day. So no, I do not think you are expecting too much and I'm sorry you are in such a painful position.

[Indigochild]

Ruby888

OmG omg omg!!!!
My heart goes out to you!!!
I cant not believe there is someone else who feels the same and who is in the same situation!!!

My T thought me that i am angry and upset about the present, and also the past, but that problems in our relationship are not all our fault and that it is my partners issues and mine coming together. Know one is to blame but both of us and its neither of us's fault.

It may be a flashback you are in, but i would never doubt your intuition.  It is trying to tell you something.
We often repeat pattern and go for partners like our parents.
Are you in therapy? I ask because it might be good to get the opinion of a therapist
some of them do think that it is us with the problem , and dont understand that we are this way because of the abuse we suffered.
It is important to find a therapist that understands this.

My partner said he wanted to understand but never googled or researched cptsd ether!! i was so mad at him for this.
It seems that i am the only one who wants to work at this relationship.
He thought it was mostly me for a long time until i spoke to my very new- therapist about this.
She said that him thinking that is doing nothing for my confidence what so ever.
My mind has been twisted by my narcissistic pd mother- so i dont know what is right and what isn't and what is up and what is down.

I hope that i can get some clarity on this.
I feel i have adopted a lot of narcasistic traits of my mother, so my partner reminds me of my emotionally unintelligent and unaware father, and i think he finds emotions and cptsd hard to understand.
His questions frustrate me when he asks them when he already knows them.
I wish he could accept that i have flashback episodes, that i do not understand, and see it how i do, that it will be over when it is over.

I am so so sorry your in this situation and that you are struggling. i hope that soon someday it will become clear to you what to do about your partner.

I am her if you wish to offload, if you are angry...whatever, i understand.

[Ruby888]

Hi mourningdove   
Thank you for your reply.
I may mention to him about how I feel.

[Ruby888]

Hi indigochild 
OMG! I'm so glad to have posted my question here and I really appreciate your reply.
I'm currently seeking a therapy but when he says things like 'You are thinking too much. Just move on!' it really annoys me. About 6 years ago, I was struggling with bullying at work and had a year of counselling to learn assertiveness. The counsellor also suggested some  couple counselling sessions to improve our communications but he dismissed straightaway saying not necessary. Compared to before, he's made some improvements but he is not a good listener. When I feel I'm not listened to, it triggers flashbacks from the past and it really gets me down. I've been avoiding contact with my family as much as possible so I really wish he was more supportive. I grew up with no self esteem or self worth so I tend to put up with not ok situations longer.
Knowing that I'm not alone means so much to me so thank you again for sharing your experience. I hope we can both find a solution to this. 

[Indigochild]

Hi Ruby888
I have been looking for your post for ages now, and finally found it after realising i can scroll through all my posts in a list.
So sorry about the late reply.

Do you mind if i ask how your doing? With the therapy and your partner?
If not thats ok.
I have t say that what your partner is saying to you about just moving on is not at all helpful. He seems to be neglecting you emotionally in regards to this...i have no idea if he does it a lot but when telling you to just move on- he is neglecting by not being here for you and just accepting your emotions.

Im sorry he dismissed counselling. Maybe he has a hard time dealing with the fact that it might be him that is not helping the relationship. Some people have a huge problem with the possibility that they may be wrong in any way at all.
The way he is talking to you when you are going through results of trauma is awful.

Have you talked to him about how it feels when he doesn't listen to you?
Maybe he hasn't researched cptsd because he doesn't think its important, but he needs to think!!
You could tell him why its important to *you* that he does, and tell him that you wish it would be important to *him* to understand and BE more understanding.

I totally understand repeating patterns. I chose a partner that i am trying to change, as he is like my parents.
We do it as ti is all we know and we stay in relationships out of fear of being abandoned, and lonely.

With co-dependents- apparently the fear of leaving goes way back to very painful loneliness we felt in childhood- excruciating.
I believe we are all afraid of abandonment. A lot of personality disorders at the core- they are all afraid of abandonment.
I need to stop trying change my partner.
My T said to me that I'm afraid he won't change, because at home when the abuse etc was happening, i blamed myself, therefore felt more in control. If i am different in this currrent relationship- then i can change everything that is happening-
but my T helped me realise its notalawys my fault. and that freaks the * out of me- because i am not in control.
I never was , but the illusion that i was was there i guess, even though i never felt in control.

but now i realise i feel in controll of situations when i can blame myself- because i have the power to change me to change everything else.

I do think that seeing a therapist will help you to see things more clearly- i still am not seeing the situation for what it is, but she tells me she can't tell me yet as its too early on.

I wonder what kind of childhood your partner came from. He sounds very invalidating.
I wish so bad that i could give you some adivce to help you until you get answers about what to do with the situation with you and your partner.
I am looking for them myself.
My T says ill have to wait- but i want more solid supportive advice than that.
I need to feel safe in the mean time- who knows how long ti will take, and I'm sure you feel the same.
You need somewhere supportive to go if you need a break and if you need to feel safe.

Im so sorry you are in this situation. Noting is more sad, and i am also glad you understand. Hang in there. 

[Indigochild]

Hi Ruby

Hope your ok.

After me ending it with my partner, he realises he isn't always right, and that he does fear others expressing emotions, he doesn't express emotions himself.
I hope that he isn't just thoughtless, but I thought I would give him another chance, because he is going to therapy and going to work on his issues, as he feels they are impacting our relationship, as well as my flashbacks which I can not help at the moment.

Someone on here metioned that whilst I may be seeing the truth, my outer critic might also be on a rampage. I think this is true.
Whilst with him, I don't have to see all the awful things about myself, and I untentionally freak out at the idea that he isn't perfect if we are together...that he doesn't love me, that he is like my parents , that he doesn't care over and over it is one of the worst feelings and I think it harps back to abandonment as a child.

Time apart helped me see my fears and I ran from them. The fears come up even  if we are together. Abandonment is a huge fear. Fear that im alone and that knowone cares.
The outer critic shut up and I was filled with self hate, although it was hard to feel it, because the fear of being alone was too powerful.

I am starting to think that the outer critic comes up in interpersonal relationships, out of fear of being unloved, and I end up trying to make my partner perfect for me, because it is possible that as a child, I learnt that knowone would take care of me or love me but me.
I am split inside, I have an adult part and a scared child that remembers the trauma. The adult comes out when im in great distress, but it is hardly comforting.
I had to talk to the child me as a child, taking on a parent roll of the parent I never had.
So maybe I learnt that I have to look after myself because know one else is going to, and that's partly why I manipulate partner into being different, as I cant stand him nto being perfect.
I hope to stop this. I get so afraid.

I wanted to tell you this because maybe it wiould help you understand yourself perhaps.
You should also trust your intuition, and hear that inner critics friend, the outer critic that is trying to protect your in negative ways from being hurt again.

Take care x