loveless

[tea-the-artist]

I had a thought to post in dissociation board... earlier I was having an imagined conversation (whispered out loud as normal) with my brother. all the things I want to say to him, in hopes that something sparks and changes things.

one of the things I "talked" about was how I went through childhood thinking all was good. how I "pretty much dissociated 90% of every day" and how "now that I'm an adult, all that pain I didn't feel as a child, it's all coming back."

that whole pretend conversation lasted at least an hour, and by the end of it I realized (and "spoke it to my brother") that I genuinely feel unloved. Quite especially as a child. I told him as many key points I could remember where any normal child would go to an adult or older sibling for help. The last time was 6th grade and since then there was no attention until it was too late.

As a kid, it was never that I really believe I would just deal with things on my own, alone, but that I had no one to turn to. No adult really seemed trustworthy enough to solve my problems.

I "asked" my brother if it ever concerned him that only twice in my 24 years (in the last 2 years) knowing him, that I never came to him for help. Usually if the parents fail, the older sibling is trustworthy too, right?

but it was just that, subconsciously, as a child, I never really knew what it felt like to be loved.

I think that was the first time I realized that as I broke into tears sobbing. my brother was on the other side of the wall of my room where I sat and part of me wanted to cry loud enough for him to hear, but I covered my face in a pillow because it was too much.

to have to stifle every emotion. actually how the conversation started, "him" coming to my room telling me to fix my face around dad, pretend like I'm ok with being treated like all I'm good for now is entertainment and financial support. I'm not good enough for them to be compassionate to me.

I "told" my brother no matter how far back I look I cant find anything I've done to deserve this. how a child as small as three years old (where my earliest memories start), a child so young could have already established that nobody's going to love her, that nobody's trustworthy enough to ask for help. nobody's trustworthy enough to go to for comfort.

already felt unloved. I knew by example of non-relatives and by fawn tendencies how to be kind and caring and not make others feel worthless, feel good for coming to me for comfort. to know that by default people deserve kindness and that I genuinely don't feel compelled to hurt others.

but by default, I couldn't tell you what it feels like to be loved and cared for. perhaps in ways, my family and friends do care about me and it shows in gifts and how long I got to be in school before money got tight (and still offering me a new place to live so I can get away). never not having anything to eat.

but to me "love" and "care" and "compassion" are words. it's not something that can be done onto me, that I can feel the good warm effects of.

[radical]

I relate to everything you are saying and I wish I could make you understand as deeply as it is possible to penetrate, that it is not and was never anything about you, especially while you are still so young.

You are lovable and loving despite growing up in a loveless home.  Please don't spend time with people who are unkind and disrepectful to you unless there is no way of escaping, and as soon as you can get way, do so.  Tell yourself loving things that no-one else told you, reassure yourself.  I know it is second best and not the whole answer, but the danger for a sensitive person who has always felt unloved is being preyed on by the cruel and the selfish.

warm wishes, and cyber hugs if you want them

[tea-the-artist]

sorry for the wildly late reply radical.  :hug:cyber hugs back to you!

i think it will be some time before i emotionally feel safe and loved and cared about. there's still a lot to unpack and remember. I had taken a break to see how i would feel taking time away from analyzing my childhood and trying to quickly get better, and now that I've returned I think at the very least I'm emotionally recognizing its important to take my time.

in time I'll be able to move out of the house. in time I can accept people's compliments and kindness without becoming emotionally distant or emotionally overwhelmed due to the lack of love i grew up with.

I think I see and read everyone here working hard to start or continue thriving in their lives, and I'm really still at step one, still self educating and figuring out some initial steps towards properly starting recovery. and I really want to be OK with that. that I dont need to be well into flashback managing or being mindful. I feel compassionate and compelled to help myself as fast as I can so I can feel as happy as I can in the future, but I really only have energy for so much.

so thank you for your kindness radical, while I don't feel so warm and feel compassionate towards, I know it will take time to really emotionally understand and feel it. but I am still glad that you could say those nice things to me