Hopelessness

[Oxygen]

I'm kinda new here and not sure if this is the right place for this post. If it isn't, please feel free to move it to where it belongs.

Recently I've become aware of this feeling of hopelessness (helplessness, powerlessness). It isn't the kind that results in me being suicidal or anything like that. Its just there and its very frightening to me because it makes me feel like I'm going to lose control or something and lose my mind. Does that make sense? It makes my mind feel scrambled and paralyzed  .

I've tried being quiet and 'being with' this feeling and inviting it to overwhelm me and flow through me. Every time I try this, something in me pulls back and retreats in fear. Its like its so intense I can't even approach it even though I know I'm safe and things in my life are good (I have a home, a car, a job, food; everything I need) and I am okay. I've tried distracting myself without becoming addicted to the distraction (watching videos, movies, watching tennis, reading, etc.).

I have anxiety every day, all day so I know it isn't that. Its the same as but different than. I wish I could accurately describe it but words fail me.

I am currently taking a mild anti-depressant (20 mgs a day) and hate to think about increasing the dose. I decided at the beginning of this journey that I would never be able to get to the end of it if I was numb. I am also in therapy and last week my therapist suggested that I exhibit signs of someone with PTSD. When I corrected her and said CPTSD, she agreed and mumbled something about, oh yes, that's the newer one. I know she's been doing research and is trying her best to help but I sometimes wonder if possibly there simply is NO help and this is just something I'll need to learn to accept and live with. I hope not since it truly is a terribly painful and almost debilitating situation!

[Indigochild]

Hey Oxygen

Welcome to the forum!
I hope you find it helpful here.

It makes sense to me that you would have these feelings of hoplessness, helplessness, and powerlessness,- we would because of our history.
Feelings can be so overwhelming that we feel utterly powerless. If you feel powerless, you feel hopeless. there is no hope when you feel powerless.  If you feel you are stuck and cant change things, you would feel helpless.

Some of us through no fault of our own have learnt to be powerless, and helpless.
Some of us have had to submit and be that way in order to survive. We could never do anything back then to change the circumstances- exactly the opposite of being empowered.

It would be scary. Im sorry you feel this way, and I'm sorry that it is so scary to you.

There is this technique on dealing with flashbacks, called the counting method, I'm sure its on google somewhere.
If you havent heard of it, its where you / therapist count up to 100, and you only feel the fear etc. (whatever emotion it may be) for that length of time.
I guess you can build it up as you go and you dont need it to be 100 at once i supsect, you can go from 10-20 I'm guessing but I'm not sure.
Only once the person has gotten past the fear of going into the feeling state, can they sit with their feelings. This is what ive read to me, and it makes sense. Sure, feeling powerless is frightening, weather you are afraid to expreience it or not, so feeling fear may be what some people need to count in order to feel.

I like how you describe it as being scrambled and paralysed (your mind)

Thats the whole point of flashbacks. Even if you know you are safe, there is fear in experiencing feelings from the past.
Did you know that children have limited vocabulary, so the adult that is feeling the feeling they had as a child, sometimes struggles to describe and put words to what they are feeling?

I dont know how long you are in to this with your therapist,  - i hope they are not pressuring you to do what you are not ready for.
And i hope they are helping you.
Do they specialise in childhood trauma?
It seems strange to me that they dont know about complex ptsd.

I also came off anti depressants in order to feel for this journey.
Turns out I'm a Freezer so feeling is difficult for me even with out the drug.
Im not sure what to advise, but if you are going to come off it, i would urge you do it slowly,- doctors sometimes can rush a patient off a drug- unaware of the effects it can have on them and their body. It can be a shock.
I am against the idea of drugs, as doctors and psychiatrists are meant to be helping you to *feel*, and numbing with medication in my experience and opinion, isn't helpful.

I do believe that this is something you can recover from. We all can, and people have.
Maybe you could find a therapist that specialises in childhood trauma and who knows about cptsd if your current one doesnt?
And expressing your concerns about your current therapists understanding of cptsd would be a good idea so you know where you stand, if you feel you are able to do this.

If your therapist is giving you the impression that there is no help for you with cptsd, then that isn't good. They need to provide hope and you need to feel safe that they have got you. That they know what theyre doing and talking about.

Aparently it doesnt last forever, when it feels like it totally will never get better.
I understand that it is a very painful and debilitating and my heart goes out to you struggling. 

[Oxygen]

Thank you for your response and your kind words. I've never heard of the counting method but see how it would be beneficial. And you're quite correct. This feeling is so frightening I can only experience for seconds at a time. Almost in a flash. Just enough to recognize it and quickly tuck it back away. Sometimes I really wish I could grab hold of it and keep it in my consciousness long enough to begin to examine it. But every time I try, I get so frightened and my brain get so paralyzed, I end up putting it away again 

But counting with my therapist truly might work. I remember thinking last night that this feeling is one I might be able to delve into if someone else was there to hold my hand and remind me that I'm going to be okay. That sounds kinda childish but that's what came to me last night. I will be sure to ask during my next therapy session (in about a week). It will probably surprise my therapist because it will be a first for me - being able to ask for help (that's a difficult thing for me to do). But what do I have to lose here?

Also, I wonder if this might have something to do with this hopeless feeling. For the past month or so, I've had a pretty big decision facing me. It would be life altering -- not something as simple as what to have for dinner -- but about selling everything I have and moving to another state. That would be a really big change for me! I also realize that the person most interested in me moving will be extremely hurt and angry should I decide not to move. Whereas I don't want to hurt anybody and don't like people being angry with me (people pleasing?), I truly don't feel like this move would be in my best interest. It wouldn't even be a lateral move but a move backwards! And that concerns me!! My next big hurdle will be in having to tell this person that I've decided not to move. I don't recall ever saying anything more about moving other than it was something to consider. I've now considered it and don't feel its in my best interest at this time. Its actually telling this person that's the issue right now.

But I am certainly going to mention the counting method to my therapist! The more I think about it, the better and more confident I feel that its an approach well worth taking and something she might want to use with her other clients as well. Thanks for bringing it to my attention! At this point, almost anything is worth a try!

Light and love to you 

[Indigochild]

Hi Oxygen

That is pretty normal as far as I know to only be able to experience feelings for a few seconds.
I am glad your going to talk to your T about it.
Having someone be there with you and hold your hand isn't stupid at all, although i can see why you feel it may be childish.
Its difficult if we are not used to asking for help.
These things if from childhood, are so scary, trauma is anyway, but the frightened child in you is scared, and when you are scared, you are feeling that childs feelings, which would be pretty huge.
It is normal to need someone with you when reliving traumatic memories, visual or emotional.

I dont think you have anything to loose by asking about this. Its either a yes or a no, but even if the answer is its not a good idea, I'm not sure why it wouldnt be. Therapy is all about exploring things and if this will get you closer its worth a try.
Reliving trauma- you end up going into a timeless part of the psyche, as Pete Walker says, and people need reassurance sometimes that they are in the present, not the past.
I experienced secondary trauma lately, (reminder of the original trauma)...and it was utterly terrifying feeling those fears and greif and panic. I disassociated, but i know that if i could feel thoes feelings, i wouldnt be able to do it alone. Terrifying.

Yes..change is stressful.
And it sounds that you are experiencing more stress for fear of upsetting this person.
I know its hard. As long as you know what you said to them about it in the first place, which you do...then you are not guilty or letting them down. If they dont remember or are not ok with it, then that is their problem.

I have had a similar issue with my dad. I think he is very afraid of abandonment etc. so he went in moods and drank as usual when i talked of how i wanted to move away. I didnt resolve this and was incredibly lucky as i slowly moved back in with my partner and he seemed to accept it. Its so difficult upsetting people i know- i think once you are stable in yourself and who you are, you may not feel the need to gain approval by pleasing others. i hope this is the case anyway.

ps. Pete Walker - writer and also therapist- uses this method of counting with his clients- and he has had and specialises in Cptsd if you didnt know.

Let me know how it goes.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Fear and anxiety - yep that's been my story
Thank u for sharing

Feeling out of control / not having control and the thinking and feelings that go with that have been very prevalent in my journey and awful

As u state it's an internal thing and not connected to the outside world of today

Most definatly having a t that not only understands but has solutions to it has been essential for me -
If u t doesn't work to combat cptsd can u change therapist ?
I've just been with a specialist and she was excellent - i def feel for us it's about coming out of the session and feeling lighter and more in the solution otherwise it brings a sense of more lack of control

For me the deep rooted fear was 'something really bad is going to happen to me ' and that disassociated stuff of 'who am I ' 'I'm not in control' '
I started looking at what my brain was actually telling me and doing some CBt stuff with t which was really helpful -
Building where i in control - who I am - values etc
The world is big and scary when we feel out of control and I needed to make my world smaller in some ways and in others keep challenging the belief that I need to 'control to feel better
Mindfullness and meditation have really helped too

[Boatsetsailrose]

Oh and challenging the all or nothing thinking that was key
Eg I was in fear this morning around my 1st driving lesson - the fear being ill get something wrong or not cope
The second thought was you can get something wrong - that's very freeing

[Indigochild]

Hi Boatsetsailrose

I hope your driving test went ok. Not so much the test necessary, but your feelings about how it went.

I think last night i felt this very much. It is paralyzing, you feel your life is beyond your controll. I feared my life ending and me being eft again. I have know where else to go and when me and my partner are arguing, despite my efforts to hold in my feelings, i get so scared.  it all started as  i realised i cant afford to continue therapy, and cant accept my partners help of money as I'm afraid he might not be able to afford it, thus more loss. It scares me that i feel attached to the idea of therapy, to having someone empathise and understand and also clear things up for me / help me understand things and see things more clearly.
I have answers i would never have been able to come to on my own.
I wanted to cuddle up with a teddy last night which is very unlike me as toys upset me a lot.
But i did, as i needed comfort.
Its terrifying. Horrible horrible feeling, one of the worst.

I do hope its not connected to the outside world of today. I think its not having a support system that freaks me out whilst having others here- the fear that they will leave is paralysing.

Yes, therapy makes me feel lighter - only just started but yes, this is how it has been so far. 
It is also normal for it to bring things to the surface i was told.

I guess i have  a need for control. In an ocd way. And maybe controlling others. Not good but ...im just trying to work out if this is me. If things are not prefect i freak out.
Yes, something bad will happen to me, things will come crashing down as they always do....i have the same thoughts.
At such moments i feel like a huge failure in life, worthless, cant do anything right, always messing things up.
I felt like this when my mother who was emotionally abusive said things but i cant remember what.
Maybe i was in a flashback. It doesnt help as my boyfs issues spark me off and he refuses to see there is anything wrong with his behaviour, while i fully admit I'm not prefect.

Good to hear what you do to help this along boatsetsail.