The war around & within

[Three Roses]

I'm at the beginning of my journey of healing from CPTSD, but I've been in therapy before for problems stemming from childhood abuse.

I picked up an old book I have, "Adult Children of Abusive Parents" (author: Steven Farmer), because I remembered there are exercises in the back of the book that I never actually did - I just read thru them.

On p. 44, Farmer has this to say:

"As a child, abuse became your only option for human contact, so you concluded that abuse was a sign of love. As an adult, you continue to equate love and affection with abuse.

"People often choose familiar negative situations over unfamiliar positive ones. If what is familiar in an intimate relationship is abuse, you may unwittingly get involved with someone who mistreats or abuses you. Remaining unaware of this repetitive cycle, you maintain the childhood victimization into your adulthood."

This really hit me hard today. For so long, I let the patterns of my past be repeated in my present. Only now, at almost age 60, am I beginning to take steps to heal the trauma I endured as a child.

I think of all the wasted time, all the damage that I've done along the way, to myself and to others. It makes me sad. My dysfunction has cost me jobs, friends, lovers. It has taken its toll on not only me but the people who have remained close to me.

If I could talk to my younger self I would tell her, "Dig deep! Get to the root of things now! You know there's something else lurking, stop turning away and running - confront the truth!"

I think how wonderful it is that so many survivors are here who are younger; they're a step ahead of the game. Still, at least I'm pursuing healing now instead of at 70!

Thanks for listening.

[Dutch Uncle]

I think how wonderful it is that so many survivors are here who are younger; they're a step ahead of the game. Still, at least I'm pursuing healing now instead of at 70!

That's the spirit! 

I can relate to the sense of dread(?) over the lost time and opportunities. The good stuff I've wasted because it was too unfamiliar and therefore scary, and my improvising apparently only had adverse effects...

Yes it is wonderful that younger people are here too and have the opportunity to start working through the cPTSD at a younger age. But I also find it wonderful to meet so many people of my age, or older that me, like you, who are also on the same path as me. It's wonderful to meet so many people who are curious, investigative, supportive, speak from experience, etc.
It does show it's never too late to start, never too late to give up, and it shows the perseverance of us.
Like you I've been in therapy before. But now I think I've found my anchor. Here on the WorldWideWeb, where I can meet with a group of peers. That wasn't around when I was last in therapy, 15 odd years ago.

Thank you for sharing, and thank you for making and being part of a community. 

[radical]

Thank you for sharing this.
I wish I'd understood when I was younger. It hurts.  But there are so many who remain blind their whole lives.  Understanding is beyond words and thoughts. 
You have so much to give in knowing.

[Three Roses]

Thank you for your replies and kind hearted words. 

[healingjourney]

Three Roses- I'm trying to let every day be a present to me, a present to learn something I never did before. I guess we can take comfort in the fact that after all these years there is something different that we never knew about, and dedicate ourselves to its pursuit. I hope you continue to learn what you feel you missed and enjoy the days ahead.

[Fen Starshimmer]

I think of all the wasted time, all the damage that I've done along the way, to myself and to others. It makes me sad. My dysfunction has cost me jobs, friends, lovers. It has taken its toll on not only me but the people who have remained close to me.

If I could talk to my younger self I would tell her, "Dig deep! Get to the root of things now! You know there's something else lurking, stop turning away and running - confront the truth!"

Hi Three Roses,
I have just joined OOTS and been reading your post.  I don't know whether it's any comfort, but I too have been unconsciously living my life in unhealthy ways for many years (I am now almost 51). I don't think we should blame ourselves or beat ourselves up for what went wrong, because we did our best at the time with the knowledge and resources we had, with the emotional wounds we suffered and all the sub-conscious programming. We are now on the road to recovery and that's what counts.

This generation is blessed with the Internet, help and knowledge at their fingertips - which we never had, not to mention mobile phones. I am so happy that no one need ever suffer in silence again, thanks to the Net, and this site. 

"The Truth" is something that we survivors often yearn for - it's been an obsession of mine. I am getting there, it's been one amazing trip this year. I wish you well on your healing journey, that the truth you seek will reveal itself.

Fen

[Three Roses]

Thanks for reaching out with the encouragement, Fen. I appreciate it

[Fen Starshimmer]

You're welcome 

[sanmagic7]

3roses, for some reason i just found this thread.  o my sweet 3roses.  well, you know my story, you know my age, and all i can say is that i give you so much credit for moving forward, for having the courage to look into those shadowy corners, and the strength to continue on in a healthier manner.  we're in this together, all of us. 

as it has been said, the truth shall set us free.  i am just so happy, even tho this has been the most difficult thing i've experienced in my entire life, that i've lived this long so that i am able to begin knowing the truth, making the changes, and doing things differently for not only myself but those i love and care about.  while it's true that we can't undo the past, i echo the sentiment that we really did do the best we could with what we knew.  i think you told that to me once, as a matter of fact.  a bouquet of roses to you, peace, and love.