Need to set a boundary with someone and need advice.......thanks in advance

[fairyslipper]

This is why I appreciate this group so much  And why I just can't get over how insensitive people can be. Tonight, I shared with a friend I have had for several years about my daughter's miscarriage over the weekend. She said, sorry, that is sad, poor girl and then went right into a rant about her neighbor... and that was that...this is someone I have known for a long time.............and I do like and care about her. She does realize at times she does this and says she is sorry sometimes, but I don't know....she continues to do it....tonight it made me furious  .......like seriously!!! We were chatting on facebook, and I just didn't even answer. I couldn't.  Then she came back with my 'sad feelings are understandable and what I am feeling is grief.'  These types of responses with friends are why I have such a hard time talking about anything that happens to me with anybody.........it makes me feel like I am making a big deal out of nothing.......which in this case I know I am not......I want to say something to her about this. I do care about her......but need to set a HUGE boundary. I would love any tips on how to do this. She wanted to talk tonight on the phone and I didn't and told her why I wasn't feeling in a very talkative mood......Gosh, I would love to have a friend that if I told something like this, would react like everybody here does......normal! I thank you guys so much for how caring and compassionate you are. I am still shaking I am so upset about her reaction. I am sorry..........just needed to vent. 

[marycontrary]

FS, I think this is a very hurtful thing that needs a boundary. I have been through these things myself many times. 

Over time, friends like this have disappeared, as I have a boundary to create distance from people who do not make an effort to "get me".  This is actually a problem with processing empathy, and in my case, it always leads to * being around people like this. maybe in my recovery I have become more Judge Judy like, and less patient, but constantly getting my feeling hurt because I was not being "heard" really did it in for me. I only interact with people who try to "hear" me.

You notice how the great folks on the board try to understand you? Validate you (and everybody else)? Well, I see communities like this as a template of what people I need to cultivate friendships with in the regular world. When you start setting humane boundaries, you will lose the shallow friendships right quick, and then you will see the folks who really respect you revealed.

Please don't let the insensitive, crappy people get you down. 

[fairyslipper]

Thank you marycontrary. I feel exactly the same. It really is a problem with empathy......and when I witness it, it honestly blows my mind. It is the exact opposite of how I am. Funny thing is a lot of these people think they are empaths......I really like how you put that 'make and effort to get me.' And yes with the not being heard. You know it is interesting because my husband has been very stressed lately, and was really making me feel that way. He was constantly cutting me off, just not listening and it went on for quite a while........I realized how badly it was starting to affect me, feeling like you said, not heard. So I kept calling him on it.......immediately after he would do it.......it really made him mad at first but I didn't care  and just kept plugging away. It worked too. He has done a complete 180..........I could tell I had gotten through to him........and then I saw him making an effort and then strides and now he seems pretty normal  But at the bottom of that, is that he wanted to. And I think that is key. When someone shows you by DOING that they are willing to work at hearing you and getting you. This friend knows she does this and apologizes, yet does it again and again. It is like everything in my life is secondary, and we have to discuss her life first. I am getting very tired of it. I want to try to say something, but am not sure exactly how to word it. She had a horrible n mom and knows she has fleas.................BUT....the lack of empathy thing is very hard to have in a real friendship. I would love to hear more about how you set the boundaries as far as empathy was concerned. I was able to set boundaries with my foo and most of them left.........just like that video said. It was hard, very hard at first but now I know I am much better off without them.  These were different kinds of boundaries tho. Anyway I would love to hear how you went about doing that....thanks!! 

[C.]

I have a friend and a mother very much like what you describe.  It is hard when people's words don't match their behavior.  I will be watching these types of threads to get ideas myself!  I liked what I read about "medium chill" with such people.  With my friend I've set boundaries about when I could talk, what topics, when I'm available to visit.  I had a couple of negative responses initially, but then she has been much more appropriate with her contacts.  Still selfish though, contacting me when she needs something.  So if I have the energy to listen I call her.  I'm still getting a little support from the friendship and I know she is someone who I can count on in a crisis so I don't want to cut the ties entirely.  We validate each other's personal growth and independence, her children are a joy to watch and hug.  I do want a more distant friendship and that seems to be working ok for the moment.  We talk or visit about once per month for about an hour.  I am very cautious about any communication that isn't written...she can really try to suck me in by talking, so I usually start with text. 

One way that really worked well for me was when I simply validated her empathy.  I said, "I know that as a mother you understand I must prioritize my son's needs.  That's why I cannot (fill in the blank). "  She agreed, said she understood and left me alone after that communication.

You mention wanting to set boundaries and I see that you are setting those boundaries.  Like Mary says as you do so the truth of the friendship will be put to test, to fail or not... 

For me, I'm ok having once close friends be more distant.  Especially so when you're already going through a difficult time and losing a friendship seems like insult to injury.  And the loss of friendship may be more of an awareness based on your newer, healthier expectations.

[marycontrary]

From my viewpoint, I can't say I am lonely, even with all of the relationships I had ending. I have a good number of friends who are great and have a lot of class. Even then, I really enjoy my alone time. I would rather have alone time than spend it wastefully on bad relationships.

Ultimately for me, I just can't take the stress of dealing with screwed up relationships any more. 

I had a very good friend who got me to south america--she is 68. She started having  all these preventable health issues that she started calling me in desperate need over. She had 4 major medical emergencies in 4 months. I told her a number time that I have PTSD, and cannot be around high stress situations. Yet, she put in a some really bad situations by not taking care of herself (she is a nurse) and escalating situations so that she can get attention from everybody around her. it is really sick and disturbing.

So I has to move quickly, as I lived right next to her and bore the full brunt. I moved and got a new place. When she started threatening cut off of the internet service (knowing my business is internet based) after I saved her life, I got the * away from her as fast as I could. This is sick *. She was deliberately trying to hurt me and my business operations. This was a LONG term friend. This is a real recent one.

My boyfriend kept yelling and griping literally every day. Multiple times in a day. I have told him that I have PTSD and cant take the stress of having blowups from him every couple of days. I told him this repeatedly, and offered to go to counselling. He ruined a trip to Peru, cause us to come back a week early from his malcontent complaining. I just could not take any more crap. I told him if he wanted to get help for his temper, I would support him, but this was his choice.  I was done. This was finalized last week as a break up.

Honestly, I do not understand how these people can think they are entitled to my pound of flesh. Both of them I did many things for and made lives a lot better, but both were so broken, they just could not reciprocate. I  spoiled them, and they become entitled.

[fairyslipper]

C. It sounds like you have a great plan in place for your friendship. A lot of what you are saying is very similar to my situation. I like that you have taken the time and laid out a plan that works for you.....you still talk, when it is right, and you are still taking care of you which is the most important. We too have encouraged each other through our growth and support each other that way. To be honest it can be a little one sided, but when she does support me, I believe it is sincere as I don't think that sort of thing comes easily or naturally to her at all.  That is smart to start by text, because yes, they definitely can suck you in. I have found myself taking less and less calls from people in general, because that seems to be a pattern in my life. I need to work on myself more before that changes....I need to feel comfortable telling people I can't talk or need to go and if they get mad they get mad. You often end up feeling like a free therapist and I am beginning to resent that dynamic....A LOT. I loved what you said about validating her empathy! That is excellent. Definitely going to put that into my bag of new communication tools. Thank you. Your post brought up great points and really helps! 

marycontrary......so with you on that.  I am very comfortable with alone time and as I have gotten older realize I crave it even more. I need that calming time for my brain, to just chill, breathe and even enjoy the absolute quiet sometimes. I am really happy for you that you have replaced the dysfunctional relationships with great ones. That gives me so much hope. Truth be told I can isolate now.....there is a certain kind of exhaustion I feel and I am honoring it rather than feeling bad about it. It keeps my energy at a better level by recognizing it and going with it. At the same time I need to work to not isolate too much which I think unfortunately would be too easy for me.  Those relationships are incredibly stressful and just feed the cptsd. That is really interesting she was a nurse and did those things.......she, if anyone should have understood what she was doing to herself and you, knowing that you had cptsd. Good for you for getting away as quick as you could! And for having enough strength to confront your boyfriend also.   I agree with you. I think you nailed it, we spoil them and they become entitled. I end up feeling extremely taken for granted in those situations.