Intro post

[katzy]

For some reason I fear scrutiny more here introducing myself. I am 66 y.o. female, married 29 yrs to narcissist after growing up as scapegoat in narc home, abused by mother and older sister with father not present due to career. Now all 3 sisters treat me with hate so broke off communication with no intention to contact again.
I had a nervous breakdown age 22 when rejected by person I thought I'd marry but couldn't talk to, just obsessed with him. Never felt able to support myself even with 2 years of grad school when I broke down. Lived at home or collected unemployment from temp. minimum wage jobs. Couldn't talk to people, became very agoraphobic. Became alcoholic and drug addicted, clinically depressed and paranoid to point of near psychotic. Anti- depressants or therapy were useless. Got a job in an ER I enjoyed with people who accepted me but began stealing meds so quit before I got caught and living with a guy with 4 kids that cheated on his ex wife, then me. His mom showed love and faith so after 12 years after the breakdown finally began healing when I regained my faith and found a friend who helped me understand and trust Christ again. She introduced me to my husband, previously married 24 years, but came across as a strong Christian leader to those who already knew him 20 years.
Once married he despised me and I went into a deep depression and was subject to him and his low opinion of me, altho others thought I was beautiful and smart. I was knocked out by meds, felt a divorce would be worse than living alone with no income or ability to work or leave the house, believing no one would talk to me and i'd never change.
Finally decided to treat him as he treated me after he was retired and slowly roles reversed but he still hurts me every chance he can so I have to keep hurting him to keep him away from me. He never wants to be with me. Finally I am trying to live a separate life in the same house if that's possible. New meds help me feel comfortable with others and found out I have ADD, so meds helped tremendously and have had many responsible positions, mostly volunteer. I am learning to abuse my abusers but not comfortable with that. Life is a constant power struggle with most people. I still naively think people care about others but they don't unless I show leadership, then they follow. Still don't believe anyone really cares but I never recognized a person who would love me. I have to depend on Christ. Even then I was verbally and emotionally abused in church.
I am in pain and drive recklessly when I go out. I wish I could travel alone. I have no friends to ask to go with me. It seems obvious I am not happy.

[Trees]

Welcome, katzy!   I am so glad you found this site.  I am sorry you are in so much pain. 

The story of your upbringing is very sad.  I am another person who was raised as the scapegoat of the family, another person often unable to support herself in the world despite being well-educated.  Looking back, it seems to me that I was just too full of the fear and shame inculcated in me by my family to ever function at all.

So I feel great empathy for you as I read your story.  When a person is raised like that, it is perfectly logical to be afraid of people, all people.  Isolation is almost inevitable.  Every interaction with another person feels like a struggle for survival.  The fear and shame emanating from me "invited" others to abuse me, it seemed.

I have seen many posts on this site from people who were severely scapegoated as children and have been off-balance ever since.  So I encourage you to read around this site, read the stories of others of us who are struggling in a similar way.  I do hope it will help you feel less alone in the world.  You have a lot in common with other people here.  Like you, we are trying to reduce the pain and increase the sense of safety in our lives.  We are here to share support and information with each other, to show each other the compassion we never encountered as children.

Like many others on this site, I highly recommend Pete Walker's book "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."  Pete himself has CPTSD, has a lot of experience with people like us, and shares a lot of information in a most compassionate manner.

All the best to you in your journey, katzy.  Big hugs to you   

[arpy1]

welcome Katzy,

sounds like you have a whole lot to deal with. i'm sorry that it is so difficult for you. i can relate to a lot of the stuff you share.

may this site be the source of support and empathy for you that it's been for lots of folks.