Physical abuse (possible triggers)

Annegirl · December 06, 2014, 06:47:53 AM

So as some here I was physically abused, with many objects, stabbed with a knife in the arm, burned, chased with an axe all by my mother who threatened constant disfigurement to me and also death and that by the time she was done with me no one would recognize me. A few days ago I wrote a song called "getting over those chains" and when I wrote it i realized that she "accepted" me in that house because of the "chains" she'd put in my mind of fear, that if i didn't obey I would be badly hurt or killed. I believed she was good, right and normal to hurt me in the ways she did, that I deserved it for being too selfish for not doing the dishes on time etc etc etc. Now for 9-10 years I haven't been welcome home (was my choice too in a way as I worried for my own children's safety although it hurts and confuses me that she has my sister and her children there every day no problems at all)
I feel like she has turned the whole family against me, and now that I "broke the chains she doesn't want me around anymore as she must feel I won't be her slave anymore.
Te worst thing for me is the constant confusion I feel and my mind seems like scrambled eggs a lot of the time, sometimes my kids are saying something right in front of me and all I'm thinking about is the past and they have to say it a few times, sometimes they get frustrated (understandably) because I don't hear what they are saying for a while.

Rain · December 06, 2014, 12:06:57 PM

A big

for you, Annegirl.

It's simply too much what you went through ...understatement, understatement. Yes, break those chains. But, then now where are you left in a new world.

It is quite a transition....

I hope you keep sharing here, and feel the support from others that are looking for a positive future, and not the negative past. No more slavery....

Honestly, who wants a past "family" that means to hurt you? Walk away. Be safe.

We are here ...supporting you, as you do for us here, Annegirl.

Badmemories · December 06, 2014, 06:56:46 PM

Anngirl.
In reading Your post several things came to mind...

So as some here I was physically abused, with many objects, stabbed with a knife in the arm, burned, chased with an axe all by my mother who threatened constant disfigurement to me and also death and that by the time she was done with me no one would recognize me. and

i realized that she "accepted" me in that house because of the "chains" she'd put in my mind of fear, that if I didn't obey I would be badly hurt or killed. I believed she was good, right and normal to hurt me in the ways she did,

I liked that You used the word believed. That is a good step that You are making progress! It is so hard to realize that Our parents, Mom, dads etc. just abused Us. It is easy to minimize it. On the other hand it is Hard to Love our parents, and then the opposite of love is hate.. and it is hard to hate them too! Maybe called dissonance resonance (?) The Inner child is at least in My case the ONE to listen to... She/He knows what the feelings were when that happened. The inner Child does NOT LIE!

I believed she was good, right and normal to hurt me in the ways she did, that I deserved it for being too selfish for not doing the dishes on time etc etc etc. Now for 9-10 years I haven't been welcome home (was my choice too in a way as I worried for my own children's safety

although it hurts and confuses me that she has my sister and her children there every day no problems at all)
I feel like she has turned the whole family against me, and now that I "broke the chains she doesn't want me around anymore as she must feel I won't be her slave anymore.

OUT OF THE FOG has many instances of just what You are talking about. Chances are that You were the Scapegoat, (SG) the one that toke all the frustrations of the parent, the blame, etc. The chosen board is full of stories about be in the scapegoat. It is common in dysfunctional families.

outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.html

outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FavoritismAndScapegoating.html

also google scapegoat on the OOTF site and You will find the posts of members talking about their experiences with SG.

The other thing to mention from what You wrote is that Your sister is probably the Golden Child. (GC) If You look that up and google it on OOTF there are many posts about that to! The good thing? The scapegoat is usually the first one to leave the family of origin (FOO) They are the one that gets help and moves on!

Te worst thing for me is the constant confusion I feel and my mind seems like scrambled eggs a lot of the time, sometimes my kids are saying something right in front of me and all I'm thinking about is the past and they have to say it a few times, sometimes they get frustrated (understandably) because I don't hear what they are saying for a while.

I have done that to My grand children also... If they are old enough try and explain what is happening in a simple way so they understand. If possible try and get them to do something that when You start to not listen to them that You can get them to do something independant so they are not right there. You might start talking about time outs and give yourself a time out! I would also explain to them afterwards that You are having a problem right now and that they are NOT the cause of it... and that You are/were sorry that You did not listen to them. Make sure they do not take it personal and internalize it....You want to keep them emotionally healthy also! (I know You do)

I also think that during these times and You realize that You are in one of these modes that You try deep breathing. (or any of the things that help You!) deep breathing seems to help me! I have been going to try and learn the tapping thing.. but haven't yet... so maybe that will help You also!

The denial of How our family abused is also like an onion.. At first You can recognize it, then You start recognizing more of it, and more of it... I'd say in My experience I am moving more and more out of the fog.. it is a step by step process. As I am revealed more by My Inner Child, I realize more and more how bad it was.

I know it is probably hard to also read and post on another site but checking out OOTF was a big step for me getting here! I had to take a look at OOTF to understand the family dynamics. That in turn gives me insight to the problems that I have and how to deal with them!

Keep on keeping on!

Annegirl · December 06, 2014, 11:46:13 PM

Thank you so much for this Rain. I felt so comforted and warm inside while reading this and the other posts from you, bheart and badmemories. All your words are very kind and supportive and i re read many things you wise people write, because of your experiences you really understand where i and each other are coming from.

Rain · December 07, 2014, 12:25:30 AM

Smiles here, Annegirl. Thank you. You know, sometimes I lean back and look at the quality of the hearts here on the forum, the intellects, the strength and stunning courage ...and, the incredible ability to still have a sense of humor. Love. The healing balm.

Many very special people are here, they are extraordinary actually, as you are, Annegirl.

Sing out. "Break Those Chains" ...the audience size does not matter, as it is your song of freedom. It would be lovely to read your lyrics, bits of the poem if you feel like sharing. We all have remainders of the chains to break away.

Onward!

Annegirl · December 07, 2014, 11:07:55 AM

Quote from: Badmemories on December 06, 2014, 06:56:46 PM
Anngirl.
In reading Your post several things came to mind...

I liked that You used the word believed. That is a good step that You are making progress! It is so hard to realize that Our parents, Mom, dads etc. just abused Us. It is easy to minimize it. On the other hand it is Hard to Love our parents, and then the opposite of love is hate.. and it is hard to hate them too! Maybe called dissonance resonance (?) The Inner child is at least in My case the ONE to listen to... She/He knows what the feelings were when that happened. The inner Child does NOT LIE!

OUT OF THE FOG has many instances of just what You are talking about. Chances are that You were the Scapegoat, (SG) the one that toke all the frustrations of the parent, the blame, etc. The chosen board is full of stories about be in the scapegoat. It is common in dysfunctional families.

outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/Scapegoating.html

outofthefog.net/CommonBehaviors/FavoritismAndScapegoating.html

also google scapegoat on the OOTF site and You will find the posts of members talking about their experiences with SG.

The other thing to mention from what You wrote is that Your sister is probably the Golden Child. (GC) If You look that up and google it on OOTF there are many posts about that to! The good thing? The scapegoat is usually the first one to leave the family of origin (FOO) They are the one that gets help and moves on!

Te worst thing for me is the constant confusion I feel and my mind seems like scrambled eggs a lot of the time, sometimes my kids are saying something right in front of me and all I'm thinking about is the past and they have to say it a few times, sometimes they get frustrated (understandably) because I don't hear what they are saying for a while.

I have done that to My grand children also... If they are old enough try and explain what is happening in a simple way so they understand. If possible try and get them to do something that when You start to not listen to them that You can get them to do something independant so they are not right there. You might start talking about time outs and give yourself a time out! I would also explain to them afterwards that You are having a problem right now and that they are NOT the cause of it... and that You are/were sorry that You did not listen to them. Make sure they do not take it personal and internalize it....You want to keep them emotionally healthy also! (I know You do)

I also think that during these times and You realize that You are in one of these modes that You try deep breathing. (or any of the things that help You!) deep breathing seems to help me! I have been going to try and learn the tapping thing.. but haven't yet... so maybe that will help You also!

The denial of How our family abused is also like an onion.. At first You can recognize it, then You start recognizing more of it, and more of it... I'd say in My experience I am moving more and more out of the fog.. it is a step by step process. As I am revealed more by My Inner Child, I realize more and more how bad it was.

I know it is probably hard to also read and post on another site but checking out OOTF was a big step for me getting here! I had to take a look at OOTF to understand the family dynamics. That in turn gives me insight to the problems that I have and how to deal with them!

Keep on keeping on!

Thank you so much bad memories, It was an eye opener it is hard to love or hate your parents, yes but we aren't supposed to hate them... Be angry at them yes but I'm trying to forgive her,

Badmemories · December 07, 2014, 11:44:11 AM

@ Annegirl:

Yes. if possible I think that forgiveness is the right path. I have forgiven My Mother,I think forgiveness is the healing path. I love My mother very much. I talk to her daily. I have seen so many improvements in HER life. She is 79 now. I can look at all the bad things that happened to her as well. In her path she really did improve My life compared to what her life was. I know that is NO excuse ...Sometimes I think as I move toward healing and discuss it with her it in a side ways manner she also grows.

Annegirl · December 08, 2014, 12:19:30 AM

Wow that is wonderful for you Badmemories!! My mother doesn't remember any of the things she did and doesn't apologise. She only would talk to me I think if I came and kissed her feet and begged her for forgiveness for my folly of disobeying her and told her she has and always was and always will be right in everything and i quietly run errands for her all day long. Only then would she start talking to me again and say how lovely I have become. And I wouldn't rule out more physical abuse from her as she has hurt my father sometimes, made him bleed and attacked me a few times as an adult. If I forgive it has to be long distance.