Being around in-laws triggring-similar to FOO

[CreativeCat]

I've got my in laws coming to stay in a few weeks and I'm already feeling stressed about it. they have similar patterns of relating to my own FOO and i find being around them incredibly triggering.

DH's mother will often turn the conversation back to herself, make broad statements about how people should be and interupts me constantly. she woks in the same field and will often be little my role or act like she knows more about it than i do. if a conversation comes up about it she will often take over and tell all she knows about it. I will also stumble across her and my SIL whispering to each other in little areas of the house which i have no idea whether it is about me or not but it just makes me feel uncomfortable in my own home.

I'm slowly starting to stick up for myself a bit- on a couple of occasions more recently I said 'hold on' while i tried to get my point out but this feels very uncomfortable to me and then i find it difficult to speak under the pressure this creates. I feel sick ad i want the ground to swallow me up.  my husband is very aware of it now ad he will pick up on what I'm saying by asking questions but then his MIL will leave the table or do something else!

I think it upsets me much less than it used to and i don't need her to validate me as much but i still just don't like having her around.  I'm mainly worried about the example I'd like us to set for our children- We do not have children yet but when we do I do not want to teach them that it is OK to speak to, or be spoken to by, people in this way.

Have anyone else had and similar experiences of their in laws acting like their FOO and what has helped?

[Inventor]

Hi CreativeCat,

I had a MIL that used to roll her eyes and give a pffft sound whenever I tried to have a discussion.  It's humiliating to say the least.  I told my wife (ex) that I no interest in talking to her mom about anything.  What she was doing was invalidating.  That in and of itself is abuse because it demeans a person to being unimportant.  Your views, opinions, thoughts and actions are constantly  criticized by usually, not so subtle verbal or facial expressions. It is also disrespectful and contemptuous.

If you continue to try and maintain civility with people who treat you in such fashion, personally, I would give them fair notice that anymore of that behavior would not be tolerated by you and continuing to do so may result in no contact and that may even include your children when you do have them.  You may be surprised at how blunt you will have to be.  Reclaiming your self identity with them is not easy.

I have a sister who is a classic invalidating PD, I tried subtle, that didn't work, then I let her have it, she still doesn't get it, so I've been no contact for 5 months now.

It seems that the older she has gotten, the worse she gets, to the point that a couple of her friends reached out to me for help and advice when dealing with her.  One told me that after a weekend visit, that she feels derailed and it takes her several days to recover.  I told both of them about invalidating PD, and they had their eureka moment.  They both are in avoidance mode now. That's really sad as she has many fine qualities, but her incessant need to criticize and run their lives is a real downer for them.

What I see now in her is a lot of my father.  Dad was highly critical of  us as kids and was physically and emotionally abusive.  I ended up with C-PTSD, a brother committed suicide and another sis didn't make it to 50.

My dad was a cop and once when my son was about 5, he tried pulling his instant accusation and condemnation crap on my son, it triggered me and I flat out told him that if he tried that again, he'd never see his grandson again.  His dog was following my son around his pool and growling menacingly at my son.  I yelled at his dog and then my dad comes out and berates my son, when he didn't even see what was going on! 

Life has been a real learning experience for me, especially coming to terms with what Dad did to me.  Understanding and dealing with people has meant an all shields up barrier to some people who are way out of bounds with me.  I refuse to be anybody's whipping boy.

I hope my story helps you.

Inventor

[CreativeCat]

Hi Inventor, thank you fr your reply and sorry for my (very) late one.

thank you it is always reassuring to hear what other people have been through and how they have dealt with relationships, although i'm also sorry that you had to go through all that.

I find it so hard working through all this stuff but it's so comforting to know there are people out there who totally understand the pain and turmoil this creates

Thank you