Saving the Girl Who Was Me

[The Girl Who Was Me]

Isn't introducing yourself to strangers the worst?  Even with the anonymity of the Internet, I am finding this daunting.

I am 43 years old and have recently been diagnosed with complex Post Traumatic Stress Disorder.  This diagnosis is both exhilarating and terrifying.  It's exhilarating to have a name for what I've been going through my whole life.  It's comforting to know that I'm not crazy and that I'm not someone with depression or bipolar disorder who has simply failed at treatment.  Rather, I've just been misdiagnosed all of these years, and there's still hope that things can get better with proper treatment.  However, it is terrifying to know what a long road I have ahead of me for recovery.   It's also scary to know that part of my treatment is going to involve reliving the most horrible parts of the first 17 years of my life.  But I'm nothing if not determined.

I guess I'm what you could call a high-functioning cPTSD sufferer.  I'm successful in my job, I go out with friends, I laugh and smile when appropriate, have a reputation for being amusing and fun to be around.  I also don't sleep very well, have horrible anxiety dreams when I do sleep, and sometimes weep uncontrollably in the shower or when I'm home alone.  The few close friends I've shared my diagnosis with have been shocked, shocked to know that there is something so terribly wrong with me because I seem so together to their eyes.  But after 40 odd years of faking being fine, I'm beginning to fray a bit at the edges and I'm tiring of having to hide the terrified little girl who still lives inside me.  So, I'm seeking help, both of the professional sort, and through this online group of people who might understand.  I also am keeping a Tumblr journal of my journey, which you can search by the same name as this post, if interested.  Trigger warning about the Tumblr - I haven't posted anything too graphic so far, but may do in the future, and I swear a bit in some of my posts.

"I fake it so real, I am beyond fake," Hole, "Doll Parts," Live Through This

[arpy1]

Hi,  TheGirlWWM!

nice thing about the anonymity is it makes it safe enuf that you don't have to hold the mask in place here.

also, big respect for your determination, too.

be welcomed 

[Trees]

Welcome, TheGirlWhoWasMe.  Your name is a story in itself, vivid and succinct.

I hope you will feel safe here, able to be yourself, to find your self.  For me, this site is about coming in from the cold world of pretense.  This place is about the self-compassion we are trying to create in each other.

As perhaps you already know from reading around the site, we refer often to a book by Pete Walker, "CPTSD: From Surviving to Thriving."  I consider it the best explanation of the many aspects of CPTSD, and by far the most compassionate.  Pete has cptsd himself and has extensive experience with people like us.

I agree with arpy1 that your determination is wonderful.  Please take good care of this self of yours that has survived so bravely for so long.  Big hugs   

[Dutch Uncle]

Hello, The Girl Who WasMe 

I have not much to add to what arpy1 and Trees have already said, so I will just join the choir:

Welcome, and great to have you around!

[Annegirl]

  Welcome too,  and I am looking forward to getting to know more about you.