Weird situation I panicked myself into!

[Rainydaze]

This is kind of odd. I was doing some shopping and wanted to go to the fish counter but saw the husband of a colleague there who I strongly suspect is a narcissist, so I wasn't going to go over there for fear of being triggered into panic. However, he was looking around and I thought his wife might be around somewhere too, so I thought it would be rude to just walk past. So I kind of panicked myself into going to the fish counter anyway and said "hi". He then didn't recognise me (cue inner critic berating me for being boring and forgettable) but then when I said who I was we had a conversation which I didn't really want to have (escape! must escape!) about my new job, while I got more and more panicked and flustered to the point that I felt like I was hyperventilating and could only give short answers! After what felt like hours (2 minutes realistically!) he left and I wandered around the store feeling stupid, because clearly he had seen me having a panic and I hadn't been charismatic enough and he was then going to go home and laugh about me to his wife and blah blah blah...inner critic nonsense...

On the drive home though I thought, actually, I WON'T direct the blame of my shame to myself. Instead I've placed the blame straight to where it belongs: my sociopathic, narcissistic father. I panic in social situations because of the inner beliefs he ingrained into me by abusing me throughout my childhood and adolescence. The more I thought about it the angrier I got; how dare he still continue to have such a detrimental effect on my adult life? When I got home I punched a bag of toilet roll repeatedly and let all of my anger go. It felt really good to get angry...I was never allowed to show anger as a child. I think the shame and anxiety I feel in these situations often overrides the anger, so it was good to get the anger out because I feel it's been very much locked inside for a long time. I don't think approaching a narcissist of my own free will and prompting a panic response was the most sensible thing to do given my situation (thanks panic) , however  although I do feel foolish about how I might have looked I'm not going to kick myself about it. Chances are I won't ever see this man again so it really doesn't matter anyway, plus internally all experiences I have get blown out of proportion in my head and it probably wasn't as bad as I thought it was. My instant reaction in the past has been to run straight home and hide from the shame with a bottle of wine, so I'm feeling quite proud of being kind and reassuring to myself instead. It's crazy how it takes so much work just to be nice to myself! 

[KayFly]

Great job on turning the yucky feeling of the situation where it belongs, rather than letting that voice further upset you. That is great self care  and progress

I laughed at first when you wrote about this situation because I feel like it happens to me all the time. I always make a fool of myself in front of people. I hope you can find some humor in it once that mortifying embarrassment passes

Nicely done blues cruise

[Dutch Uncle]

Awesome! 

You just snatched victory from the claws of defeat. Woot!

[Rainydaze]

Thanks KayFly and Dutch Uncle, it does feel like progress. I think now I have developed more understanding about CPTSD it's easier to see why I act this way in such situations and I'm less harsh on myself. I really don't want my inner critic to dominate my life anymore, hopefully as times goes on I'll continue to see how much easier it is to just see the funny side of situations! After all, it's not like being mean to myself is going to erase the past and it doesn't serve any logical purpose.

[KayFly]

Blues_Cruise,

You sound very aware, logical, and like you are on a good path to recovering. I totally know how mortifying those moments can be though! It's easier for me to laugh about, well because I relate to it so much, but also it didn't just happen to me.

It can be a hard thing to do. My challenge to myself right now is trying to find something funny about when I get angry. But I am stubborn so we will see how that goes

Anyhow. I think you are doing a great job in recovery 

I'm really glad you are here too! 

[Rainydaze]

Aww thanks KayFly  I'm glad to be here! I never thought I'd find somewhere so full of people that know what it's like. It does help to know that these mortifying moments don't just happen to you, isn't it?  You're right, it is so hard trying to change your reaction to situations that seem negative but I think it's brave to take up the challenge too. My inner critic has actually been giving me a beating over this one since my last post but looking on the bright side I have at least recognised that the shame is toxic and unwarranted, so although it's my first reaction in such a situation I'm not validating the critic by agreeing with it.

[KayFly]

I think you are great and it makes me feel good to know that there are others working hard to tell that critic it is wrong ! It's hard work. So great job!