Leaving the Past Behind

[Kizzie]

I suppose this could go in my journal but Toby is right, this lonely little section needs some more threads 

I just finished teaching a course after being on a leave of absence and it went really well.  Earlier this spring in the last course I taught I had pretty much lost my confidence and was having  a lot of panic attacks, not just about teaching (there were many stressful things going on), but it was a big part of it.  I teach online so there is none of the physical presence stuff (tone of voice, facial expressions, body language) to trigger me, but tone in written discussions can still be quite triggering, perhaps even moreso in my case because I can't "read the room" and that makes me even more hypervigilant.   

Anyway, taking some R&R and talking here helped me to get my mojo back, especially the latter. Whenever I would read something that pinged me, I would sit back and think "Am I -- my IC in particular --overreacting to something?" "How can I look at this differently?"  "Is this healthy disagreement between students or with me or is it an attack?" And it really helped!  I found that I am much better able to see when the past is overlaying the present and to do something about it, namely put it in its proper place and deal with it separately from teaching. My anxiety level stayed put and I actually enjoyed the course.  Huzzah!

Thanks to all of you for having the courage to be open here, it has helped and continues to help me tremendously 

[schrödinger's cat]

Huzzah!  Good to hear this, Kizzie! Do you know, it's always encouraging to hear from people that the techniques and coping strategies we talk about here really and actually work (at least sometimes for some people), so thanks for sharing this.

[wingnut]

Nice!
"How can I look at this differently?"
Boy, what a powerful question and game changer. I may tattoo this on my forehead.

[Butterfly]

It really is helpful hearing the techniques work in real life!

[keepfighting]

[...] I would sit back and think "Am I -- my IC in particular --overreacting to something?" "How can I look at this differently?"  "Is this healthy disagreement between students or with me or is it an attack?"

Thank you for posting this! If you don't mind, I'll 'steal' these questions and try and practise with them in my own life. I am often having trouble differentiating between healthy disagreements and fights, between my (or my IC's???) urge to freeze if I encounter anything unknown or unexpected and feeling safe in the present...

You definitely deserve a merrit badge and a chocolate for successfully implementing this technique. 

[flookadelic]

Excellent work Kizzie.

[Kizzie]

Tks all  

You can definitely borrow the questions KF but can I have a cookie too? They sounded delicious      (We're all coming to your house next Christmas by the way  )

[Kizzie]

Well, I haven't seen my NPDM in two years (we are LC via email), and was at our son's grad this past week; he wanted her there so she was invited.  She spent most of three days with us and I DID NOT HAVE A SINGLE EF!!!!!!!!! 

So her ghost may still haunt me a bit, but real her does not terrify me.  Usually my IC starts up when I am around her, and I feel small and sick inside and I have big time anxiety/EF and need to dissociate.  This time, nothing except noticing how and why my IC was so traumatized by her and the rest of my FOO.  She looks so good on the surface but scratch it just a little and there is all her own trauma, the anger, the need to use others, anyone to build herself up, etc., the lack of any real capacity to love or nurture ....  well, you all know how it goes.

I am excited to say the least .   I am approaching my 60th birthday in Aug and this seems like the best present ever that I and those who love and support can give me - freedom from the past.  Almost there   

So have hope on your journey, it takes time, effort and support, but we can heal! 

[Three Roses]

This gives me hope 

[Jdog]

Kizzie-

That is great news, and a huge success!  You felt your way through the past pain and emerged right here, in the present moment.  Thanks for giving this example to all who fear that they may never heal!  Happy early birthday, as well!!

[Kizzie]

Thanks JDog!  It really was the best birthday present ever lol     I'm so glad if this does convey hope Three Roses, I was in a very bad place  2-1/2 years ago so not having an EF around my NM is nothing short of amazing. 

[arpy1]

that's wonderful, Kizzie. you're amazing 

[Kizzie]

Thanks Arpy, I think you and everyone here is pretty darn amazing