therapy disaster, now what?

[arpy1]

ok. so. this is a totally selfish post. i would really appreciate some input and ideas as i have kind of got myself stuck.

some of you will  be aware of the (for me)ridiculously traumatic 'outcome' of my recent attempt to start ict. the ict isn't the problem per se, it's that the T has behaved in ways that i couldn't handle and i felt (as did a few of you who commented) that she has crossed some professional boundaries that make me feel that i can't carry on with her.

two things then. firstly i have to decide how to extricate myself from the relationship with T.   secondly, i need to work out what to do next. i need a plan.

i don't feel able to confront the T. i don't have the courage or the emotional strength to challenge her. so i have to get out of it without doing so. but if i say nothing she will never know what went wrong. to be honest i am terrified of having to explain to her, and having her come up with all these reasons why she did what she did (as anyone would), and how mistaken i was etc.

so the question is basically, tell her the truth and risk a confrontation, or lie and say i ran out of money.

n.b. **** i hope this isn't going to trigger anyone, so be advised.****

why am i so scared of this? it's all to do with how i have been trained.i.e. i have no rights. to have rights is sinful. if there is a problem in a relationship it is my fault. to look at another's fault is to be self righteous. 'first take the log out of your own eye'. i have no right to stand up for myself becos i should be like jesus and be meek and humble and turn the other cheek. i must be in submission to those over me. 
if i am not, i am unsubmissive, and 'in the flesh' and that is sin. i should repent and submit and 'get my heart right' becos my heart is 'deceitful above all things and desperately wicked'. the people in authority over me are god's representatives to me and i should submit to them as i would to him, without questionning. i have no right to question. i have no right to disagree becos of my innate wrongness.

ok, intellectually, it's foolish to be so stuck in such a lot of brainwashing rubbish.  but this is the mindset that has dominated me for the last forty years. it doesn't shift in a couple of years. it may never. 

also a few years ago,  when i did start to stand up for myself, i lost everything. i stood up to my husband. and lost my marriage. i stood up to the cult. and lost my whole spiritual family, whom i loved dearly and always considered more my family than my FOO even during the long interval when i was away from them. the result of standing up for myself was that i lost my whole foundation, everything that i had built up as my life, my social network, my core beliefs, my faith, everything. every time i have been brave and done what had to be done to survive i have ended up losing the things that were most precious to me until finally i have cut myself off and became a hermit to avoid the risk of relationships altogether.

so for me to get to the point where i could trust this T enough to embark on the inner child thing? that was huge for me. and now this has happened and i am not dealing terribly well with it. it is triggering so much emotion i am at times beside myself.

so the second question of what to do next, is about whether i will ever be able to trust any therapist again. and if not, what alternatives can i find that will help me not to stall and slide back. i have to get functional enough to go back to work. i am running out of funds.  the only person i part-way trust at the moment is my GP. but how long that will last is anyone's guess.

sorry it's so ling, but that is my rant, my ramble, and any suggestions would be gratefully received. thanks for listening.

[Dutch Uncle]

Good morning (for me) dear arpy1.

two things then. firstly i have to decide how to extricate myself from the relationship with T.   secondly, i need to work out what to do next. i need a plan.

From personal experience I can tell you that these are indeed two separate things.
When I dropped out of Engineering, I had no idea what to do. Actually, not knowing what else to do had kept me going in Engineering, to my detriment.
Only months after actually dropping out without any plan, plans started to surface, and I stumbled into a great new profession, that I was able to do for 15 years, with a lot of joy and success.

So what I'm trying to say is: you don't need to have an alternative in place if you now know you don't want to continue with this.

so the question is basically, tell her the truth and risk a confrontation, or lie and say i ran out of money.

There's a third way: Just tell her you won't come again (cancel the next appointment if you already have one). Without explaining why. You could even tell her you don't want a reply from her in any form.
You hired her, and can sack her as well.

There might even be more ways that I don't know off.

ok, intellectually, it's foolish to be so stuck in such a lot of brainwashing rubbish.  but this is the mindset that has dominated me for the last forty years. it doesn't shift in a couple of years. it may never. 

Right. Take your time. One step at the time. You are already making progress.

so for me to get to the point where i could trust this T enough to embark on the inner child thing? that was huge for me. and now this has happened and i am not dealing terribly well with it. it is triggering so much emotion i am at times beside myself.

From where I'm standing and observing it all from a distance, I see a big difference between your previous losses and this T. This time you are cutting yourself loose before you have become 'dependent' (for lack of a better word). I would even say you took great care in preventing yourself from becoming 'dependent' by probing the situation/relation first.

so the second question of what to do next, is about whether i will ever be able to trust any therapist again. and if not, what alternatives can i find that will help me not to stall and slide back. i have to get functional enough to go back to work. i am running out of funds.  the only person i part-way trust at the moment is my GP. but how long that will last is anyone's guess.

Perhaps you could leave the question on whether or not you'll ever trust another therapist open for now?
If I recall correctly, you'll see your GP on monday, and I think it's excellent you have made the appointment/intent to do that.
Did he recommend her/ referred you to her? If he did, I can see you would be anxious about it, if he did not, he'll just be a neutral third party in all this.

I already mentioned in the other thread I've had a somewhat similar experience as you. This was with an addiction-recovery T, and things did not go smoothly over the course of 8 sessions or so. I had to stay, because I first had to complete the program before I could move on to psychotherapy. (and I understand why psychotherapists don't want to deal with a drunk. There's not much point in that.)
In the last session, the end-talk, she confessed to me that even before the start SHE didn't have faith in the program that was set up for me (by her superiors/team members). 
"What?!" I thought, and I had a hard time controlling my anger and upset. But I was dependent on her to move forward, so I played dumb. I had passed after all. Couldn't screw that up by throwing a hissy-fit.

I talked about it with a few good and trusted friends, and I found myself in a situation much like you. My friends were also baffled by the unprofessional conduct, and the issue also arose whether or not I should take action.
In the end I let it slip, much on the same grounds as you tell here, but they gave me a very valuable advise: to the next T I would see in a month time (the psychotherapy), I should tell in the first meeting about my experience, and that I wanted to be sure nothing like that would happen there.
This new T was understanding, validated my experience and told me in no uncertain terms that she would not T me in a program she herself didn't see fit.
And she kept word.

I hope, wish and trust that you can tell your GP about your experience. And I'm quite sure he'll validate your experience, and will frown upon the T. He probably will keep his professional distance (so he won't hug you  ), but your story is compelling, well documented by you.
It might help you already in this meeting if you start of by telling your GP: Doc, I have to tell you something, but I want to be sure this will be treated with the utmost Healthcare Professional-Patient confidentiality. Which he will no doubt answer affirmative.

In absence of your GP, I'll  you here and now.

Take care! 

[stillhere]

Arpy1, you are thinking far more clearly than I think you're able to acknowledge just now.  You know that you have two questions to answer:  what to do with this unprofessional T and what to do thereafter.  And you know that you lack, for now, the capacity to mount a confrontation.  That much awareness is a major accomplishment.

Dutch Uncle has given you excellent advice, so I won't repeat it.  I do note, though, that you imply a sense of responsibility for explaining your departure from this T.  But you owe her nothing.  Only if you contest having to pay do you also incur some liability for explaining yourself.  Silently walking away is an option.

I hope you can give yourself a little time to think about the way forward.  I also hope you can talk to you GP about therapy in general and other possible therapists.  You need someone to help you navigate the system where you live. 

You describe experiences long past that leave you especially vulnerable when you might need to advocate for yourself.  That you see this connection is fabulous (again, you are aware of much).  So best, probably, to take small steps toward doing what you must and seeking what you need.  (I recall addressing something similar many years ago, as I took a risk to seek something I wanted, expecting all the while that it would be snatched from me.  Patterns of experience generate these expectations.)

Perhaps a good move now would be to plan your Monday meeting with your GP, to be sure you cover the story as you would want to.

[Trees]

I agree with the others that you owe that therapist no explanation at all.  If I were in that situation, I would call when I knew the phone would be sent to voicemail, when no living human would answer, and I would merely tell voicemail that I am canceling the future appointment. 

[KayFly]

 

[arpy1]

thank you all so much for the support and wisdom.  i am trying to keep my mind occupied till monday when i talk to GP, and to stay kind to myself.  i appreciate you all very much.

[woodsgnome]

The previous posts here are all great observations which point out some good options for you as you need to catch your breath.

As has been said, you really don't owe her any explanation--she seemed like one of those T's who prob lose clients regularly and know the revolving door will bring in someone else. But if you do want to formalize it, send a note to the effect that you're stopping, no explanations needed. If this gives her some grief (I doubt that it would, from what you've shared), she surely gave you enough so she deserves that returned.

I'm wondering one thing--did you retain the IC workbook you worked so hard on, which she then flippantly disregarded? If you did, perhaps you can revisit it on your own, for the time being. While it was designed to help you work TOGETHER with her on it, maybe you can work it slow and easy by yourself, and if you have another T, maybe even use it as an intro to you.

I might be way off on that, just a thought...but I'll just add the wish that you can find a way forward that feels safe again. If you get to the new T scenario, you can still trust but just be aware that you are important enough not to allow any T to derail you again.

Assertiveness does not equate with rudeness, it just reflects one's needs as a fellow human (a lesson I've never fully learned either; still have the same "don't-offend-them-they-can-hurt-me" message that often stops me and then I feel so frustrated).

Take care 

[arpy1]

thanks WsG, i am coming down on the side of choosing not to explain myself to her. even if i was brave enough, i don't have the energy left to fight another battle. 

i have, fortunately, got everything on file on my laptop. so i can go back to what i wrote re memories. have a feeling it might be a while before i can face that tho.

i have got the lid screwed firmly on the panic and distress today. i see my GP tomoro to see if he has any useful input.  then i will decide how exactly i am going about sacking the T.

and as for the future... i have absolutely no idea, but hey, maybe something will come up? i will not say those famous but dangerous last words 'it can't get much worse' becos is my experience it both can and does with alarming regularity   (like the old joke 'the light at the end of the tunnel? it's the express train heading towards you'... the old ones are the best    )

[Trees]

(like the old joke 'the light at the end of the tunnel? it's the express train heading towards you'... the old ones are the best    )

Thank you, arpy1.        I do love gallows humor.   

A bit of raucous guffawing can help keep me afloat.  Or even just a rueful grin can give me a few seconds of relief from the chaos within.

[MaryAnn]

HI Arpy1

I share the same challenges as you stated below:

it's all to do with how i have been trained.i.e. i have no rights. to have rights is sinful. if there is a problem in a relationship it is my fault. to look at another's fault is to be self righteous. 'first take the log out of your own eye'. i have no right to stand up for myself becos i should be like jesus and be meek and humble and turn the other cheek. i must be in submission to those over me. 

I completely relate to this.  I was raised from the time I can remember (probably before) to have this belief as well.  I was expected to be totally submissive and to do anything and everything to make others happy.  My happiness did not matter, it was selfish.  It was my job to serve my parents, my husband, my bosses and never show or express my own emotions.  I am trying to learn to think differently but I can't seem to get it out of my head.  It has been a rough couple of months because I so desperately need to be able to express anger, be mad at anyone but myself.  But I have not been able to do it, I just curl up at home when I am alone and cry because I just come back around to blaming myself  .

I agree with what everyone has replied.  You do not owe your current T anything.  Simply leave a message that you are canceling your next appointment.  If this is what you want to do and can be comfortable with.  However, if you feel like you need to express yourself and tell her why, then by all means you should so that you can have closure and feel good about it moving forward.  And you can do it in a email if you do not want to do it face to face. You can be proud of yourself for standing up to advocate for yourself and for being assertive.  If she is any type of therapist at all, she will listen to your constructive criticism and try to learn from it, not come back at you trying to defend herself.  She should see it as progress, be able to respect your boundaries, and also see that you are setting your own boundaries. 

I struggled with my first T because after a little over a year, he would challenge me, push me too far and I would leave triggered, worse off than when I came in many times.  I did sent him an email explaining I was changing therapists and why.  It devastated me because I didn't want anyone to be upset with me and feared like you that he would try to defend his actions.  He did not.  He emailed and said that he understood and validated that I had done a good thing, was advocating for myself and making decisions.  Eventually I learned that while the second T was nice, she was too validating and did not challenge me.  I returned to the first T and talked to him directly.  He was completely supportive and accepted his part of the responsibility.  He is really trying and it seems we both have learned from the experience.  Making much more progress the second time around.  It is what has helped me to build trust with him, that he does take his profession seriously. Hope this helps!

MaryAnn