The Ache

[woodsgnome]

After all this journeying with EF's and triggers and all those labeled symptoms, it seems like there's only one true constant. It's what I call The Ache.

I've always felt there's a part of me being dragged around. It's irritating and I've tried all kinds of techniques, programs,  books, this/that/other in efforts to understand, diminish, get rid of The Ache, and it sticks like perma-glue.

As if it's saying, "you're stuck with me, kid. And I ain't goin' away." Then I rage and cry and that only seems to please this monster. But I have to live, so I travel on, whether The Ache is there or not. Not there? Wonder what that's like.

With or without a name, The Ache just stays and I can't shake it loose. I can be humming the happiest tune, walking in a peaceful forest, any place of joy or distraction; and the Ache is always there. I've begged it to leave. Nope. I've written its name on pieces of paper, even strips of bark, burned 'em, and it pops right back. The Ache has its own magical powers.

The Ache feels numb and heavy, and I cannot recall a time it wasn't present. I tell myself I accept that, as what else can I do? But I'm not sure I really believe that. Tamping down expectations seems helpful, but I'm so sad when I realize my only takeaway true friend remains The Ache.

[KayFly]

Like in the video that you shared with us, the man says " these aches and pains are in her children knocking at your door"

With or without a name, The Ache just stays and I can't shake it loose.

I understand. I have done so much work to heal and yesterday I screamed and cried and punched my pillow. Then I told a friend of mine who was being a jerk to cut it out. Then I realized I had made progress with myself by standing up for myself.

When I looked back on the screaming and crying and punching , I felt like my inner child and I were on the same page . We were seeing eye to eye. I was proud of her for letting it out. But I was still in pain.

I'm so sorry you're in such pain . It pains me. You are such an asset here . I always value what you have to say and you helped me personally a lot . your hard work really shows.  hope you can welcome and love The Ache and  for all that work you've put in.  Ill try to do the same.

[serkinglight]

Do I ever relate to this experience you call "the ache". You've expressed what it's like very eloquently. Thank you for that. I now feel just a bit less alone. 

[Dutch Uncle]

This is a sad story woodsgnome  . I feel for you. And I can relate... Those happy moments when it still lingers in the background... I know it all too well, this Ache.


I want to share a story with you, perhaps it helps...
***possible triggers on dentistry***

Immediately when I read this post I had a memory to a tooth-ache I had carried around for years. (not really the same thing, I know, but anyway...)
I hadn't neglected it, on the contrary. It had started out with an excruciating pain, so I went to the dentist, on emergency. The pain really had me going trough the roof.
Nothing could be seen, also not on x-rays: "Here, have a different toothpaste, for sensitive gums" the dentist said in an effort to 'solve' it.
"Right..." I thought, "no way this is a sensitive gum. I take my fillings/works without anesthetic. This is worse then that." But, obedient boy as I am, I took the toothpaste. (Oh, and some heavy duty painkillers)
The mad making pain stayed. So I returned, and was forwarded to the hospital. In the week I had to wait, the pain slowly subsided.
More x-rays, and even an MRI-scan.
Nobody, my dentist, the dental surgeon and even the "ear, nose, throat"-specialist could find anything wrong.
By then the pain had subsided to an 'acceptable level", so I called it quits. This was not going to lead anywhere.

For years after I would have a faint lingering ache. Sometimes it would get worse, like an inflammation, but immediate 'flossing' around the molar then usually caught a little piece of meat I had eaten, and the inflammation would disappear within 5-10 minutes or so.

Fast forward to many years later. I had come to live with this pain. I hardly noticed anymore.
Then I bit on something hard, and the molar broke.
Dentist send me to the dental surgeon again, who pulled the pieces.

All healed fast, and within days I suddenly realized: the whole pain I had felt for so many years lingering in my jaw had completely gone! What a relief! I had completely forgotten how it was to be pain free. And only then I fully realized how long I had lived with a low-level but ever present pain, ache.


So, however weird this may sound: I wish you a 'broken molar', dear woodsgnome. I have a gaping gap now, but every time I see that in the mirror, I'm reminded of the pain that has gone. (luckily it's a bit 'back', so it's not that obvious to spot. But even if it were, I don't think I would care that much)
With a little 'luck' you may someday 'bite of more then you can chew', for the better of it.

For me it was just a hard bit in a cookie, lol.
Never give up on cookies, woodsgnome. 

[arpy1]

oh Woodsgnome, feeling it for you so much. i call mine the 'pain of living' and it is exactly the same thing.

my sister, who in so many ways has been such a damaging influence in my life, once said something wise that i have to credit her with. she said that somehow we have to 'co-exist with the pain'. and isn't that just what it is, can't get rid of it, can't bear it either, just have to try n find ways to co-exist with it?

maybe it's the Ache, though, that makes you into the empathic, kind person you seem to be - it shows in all your posts. maybe it's what makes you able to feel other people's hurting and even just give them a  , u mightn't realise just how much that means for them, but truly it's alot.

and maybe it's what makes you such a creative person. like a seam of pain where you can mine diamonds.

anyway, much support and esteem to you.  u not alone.

[woodsgnome]

Thank you, everyone, for the kindness you've shown here. I'm  overwhelmed with the depth of care from people who "get it".

I'm also very tired. It's almost as if what I called The Ache has notched it up a bit lately...and while "this too shall pass" seems further down the road than ever, I can only keep traveling. Maybe The Ache will tire of the trip and leave me alone; alas, that's only a wish, 'cause it's never shown any sign of doing that.

A favourite song of mine concludes with this line: "you came when you were needed, I could not ask for more." That's what your messages were to my weary heart...so needed. Thanks again.

[KayFly]

Hey Woodsgnome,

I'm with you. I had a really big breakdown last night and now I'm really tired from it all. pain can be so exhausting. It helps me to know I'm not alone. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable and for accepting the compassion with open arms. You deserve that.

Hang in there 

[steamy]

Great post. I feel this too like a great sense of loss. I read ekhart tolle he calls it shared pain of societies so I considered that everybody felt it. One of the strange things about cptsd, depression and childhood trauma is that its always hard to tell what is normal and what isn't. Before one can fix it one needs to discover it, then figure out what it is.

[arpy1]

yup. i think secretly that there isn't any normal. i don't think i ever met a whole undamaged person in my life. so maybe us walking wounded are the normal ones, by dint of sheer weight of numbers. it helps me to believe this.
glad you're here, by the way, steamy. 

[steamy]

Absolutely true, doesn't Pete Walker tell us that the average in terms of dysfunctional families is around 70% healthy. Mental health is like physical health only a few percent are ultra fit, the rest of us sit on a sliding scale between the ultra-runners and iron men and the chroniucally I'll and bed ridden. Normal probably means never does any exercise, carries around 30% body fat and gets out of breadth after a brisk walk up a short hill. Normal is pretty unfit and there's a fair risk of heart disease, diabetes and stroke.

What I meant was should I be feeling this? Is it what a mentally healthy person  normally feels?

[arpy1]

my guess would be yes, if there is any 'should' about it, you should. becos you have put in place reasonable coping strategies to the best of your ability, to deal with the situations you were faced with. the fact that now, becos of new and different situations, those coping strategies have become obsolete and maybe non-helpful doesn't change it.
and you are rolling with the punches and working hard to find new strategies. what's not healthy about that?

maybe in the end, trying to work out where we are on a scale of healthy - unhealthy, well - unwell, whatever, is not all that relevant. praps it's a case more of doing the best we can with what we have and trying to optimise, rather than perfect.

anyway, respect to you, you seem like an insightful and compassionate person even if on a long and b..... difficult journey, so that's got to be a good thing in my book.

[hypervigilante]

Thank you for giving this condition a name. It's so helpful to read. I carry the ache with me as well and take it to the edges of life-cliffs and tell it to fly on its own. It's never ready. It feeds on my insecurities and hides in the folds of my successes ready for attention when I stop soaring. It is sad, but very agreeable- the thoughts that it is our only friend. Because it's the most permanent feeling in our ever-changing lives. I wish I could count on someone else more than I can expect the ache to remain.

It comes back and sometimes it lays dormant for the sake of argument. But it's threads carry on.

I can only think of that recent Pixar movie "Inside Out" and I think about this book I am reading about the Life/Death/Life cycle. I don't want to avoid pain, I just don't want to carry it with me always.

Thanks again for posting. I feel more human hearing your words.

[Boatsetsailrose]

My experience is - I keep pushing on regardless -
Working to feel, working to live  , working to enjoy and working to love ( self and others -
My spiritual life is my sanctuary

I wonder how many people have a similar feeling without child trauma ? I wonder how much is 'the societal ache -

For me I know focusing on me and my struggles can be just the wrong way I need to go - getting out self is my best bet -
I can very much focus on my insides too much

Not to discount our pain and emotional problems  - just giving my take - is not the whole picture of course --
And then I remember that I need to be kind to myself and nurture - ( this doesn't come easy(
Self beating comes easy 'why am I ... Why can't I ... I should ... If only
As u say acceptance but then exploring is relevant too --
I mean I am glad to be 5th or 6th dimensional - 2d would be very boring

I suggest energy healing as a mode to understanding and things shamanic

[Boatsetsailrose]

I feel that my journey is about letting go and getting a deeper experience of 'not being the conditioned me

[KayFly]

My experience is - I keep pushing on regardless

I like that BoatSetSailRose. I feel like I do the same. I like how you incorporated the societal aspect of this, and how many others are feeling pain from the things we feel pain from.

Sometimes when I am having a deep spiritual cry, I cry for those people too.