Moving on - literally

[sweetsixty]

Hi all,

Sorry I haven't really participated much, I'm a bit if a lurker I'm afraid! Plus I have been working so hard with my therapist on recovering that along with having had a really awful relapse of my MS this year has kinda got in the way.

But I am really keen to get all your opinions on this one subject. I still live in the same town I grew up in. My parents are still around although both in their mid-80's and don't go out at all so I never bump into them. I have been no contact for about 15 months now. But this is the town I grew up in and where my original trauma continued until I was 27 years old, I'm now 60.

So I'm wrestling with whether to move away or not. As I have lived here all my life I really don't know if moving will help with the healing process or not. My hubbie is 67 and happy to do whatever I need to heal but I can't make him move from a really lovely home to find it doesn't help and we lose lots of money!

So anyone happy to share their experiences please? Stay or move?

Thanks in advance guys.
Pat x

[Dyess]

Wow, that's a tough choice. I can't say moving now would help, but truly only you could answer that. How about just going away for a while, rent some place and see how it feels. Change is hard for me and the thought of going to a new place with new people would be very stressing to me. Where would you want to move to? Would there be people there to support you? Glad you posted, welcome to the forum.

[sweetsixty]

Thanks Trace for the reply and the welcome. I've been a member since the site first started but I'm not good at taking part I'm afraid, which defeats the purpose of a forum but life has been difficult in the months through my therapy. I think maybe I should post my story again for those of you who haven't met me.

We have a caravan and we are away regularly in that but the issue still keeps raising its head. With the added difficulty that my kids and grandkids live close by too.  But I can't help thinking about the book The Body Remembers and all the somatic stuff I've read.  My therapist feels that I should just 'sit' for a while and see how it feels when I'm feeling a bit better.  But I'm hopeless at just sitting with things and even worse at trying to make decisions.

I've spent most of my life letting others make decisions for me as 'subjugation' has always been one of my coping schemas. That's why trying to make any decision is doubly difficult.

Thanks so much for replying.

[Dyess]

Well how do you feel about moving? Think it would do any good? Why not try it, and keep your house there just in case you want to return. The body is going to remember where ever we are. So when you are traveling do you feel better?

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi sweetsixty 

I think this forum is for lurking too. 
Whatever suits you.

Whether to move or not... Tough question, as you explained yourself.

I've had to make some tough choices in my life, in a somewhat similar vein perhaps.
I once quit University in my final year. I was deeply unhappy with 'the trade' I would end up working in. I had no idea what to do instead.
But at some point I was so sure about what I NOT wanted, that I first made the choice to at least NOT want it. So I quit without any further plan.
One of the best decisions I have ever made.
Not instantly. Took a few months to find what I would like to try and do. Then made a happy and for a long time successful career in a totally unexpected 'trade'/job/field.

So what I'm trying to say to you: If somehow you have a strong feeling that you just want to get the * away from 'here', doing so might be an excellent move.

I liked Trace's suggestion. To rent an apartment for a few months and live there. Not as a holiday like in your camper, but really as a trial of what it means to start somewhere different and new. Both you and your husband can experience what it would be like.
Perhaps the two of you come running home, perhaps you'll try to buy the apartment after three months. Or something completely different might happen. Who knows.

[sweetsixty]

Thought I'd provide a link to my story in case any of you were interested in why I'm at this juncture:

http://outofthefog.net/C-PTSD/forum/index.php?topic=434.msg2871#msg2871

Since this was posted I'm now NC with my parents.

Trace, thank you so much great idea I need to really think about.

Dutch Uncle, I know your right too, don't you get fed up of making tough choices though? I know I am.  I've begun to realise that as I was subjugated for so long I've only ever done what I thought others expected of me. I'm not really sure how to make a decision that is all about me, especially having a family since I was only 16.  I've always done what I thought was right for them.

Bless you both for replying and contributing I really appreciate it. 😊

[Dutch Uncle]

Wow, sweetsixty. I just read your introduction post that you linked to.
What a road you have had to walk.
Respect to you for hanging on.

There's no doubt you know about quitting when you know that's the only thing you are sure off... Well done. You saved your own life there. 
Respect, again.

This is perhaps a bit of a far stretch, but do you think it is possible for you to access that part in you that guided your decision waaaay back then regarding the homicidal maniac? And the choices you made after that, which have brought you so much happiness and success? 
I sometimes long back to the guy who quit his studies in face of all adversary, and had a great 20 years after. No regrets whatsoever on the decision I made back then.
I'm sure he is still is here. I did it once, I can do it again. Now that I face new adversary.

Take care. That certainly is something you can. You've proven it already.

[sweetsixty]

Thank you so much Dutch Uncle, your words are so very kind. I know you are right it's just so hard, as you know only too well yourself, to access that young person. Especially when she had such a strong mask made up of some unhelpful schemas that nonetheless worked.

My therapist explained that our schemas usually only work until they start to crumble and that is often either as we get old, or (as in my case) we become disabled and no longer have the health and strength to keep them up. I fell apart a few years ago as my professional self could no longer cope with work and I relied so much on outside validation. I was a year or so into therapy when the light dawned about what my parents had actually done! I'd spent 58 years thinking that I was shameful and it was all my fault, including my illness!  My therapist has been amazing and helped me see so much about this. But in the decision to move I'm really on my own! So your words are so very encouraging, thank you so much for taking the time and trouble to reply.

I hope to spend a bit more time around here and hope to speak again soon. x

[Dyess]

Well? How are you? Have you thought anymore about the move?

[sweetsixty]

Hi Trace, yes, sorry, here's the update.

Turns out that I don't need to move after all, at least I don't think I do. We had recently had some changes done to the house, this involved knocking a wall down and moving 2 large rooms into 1 large room. This was to create a larger bedroom for us as ours was always too small.  I spent weeks panicking about the changes, before I posted.  I thought I was in a full blown EF and was convinced it was because I needed to move house as I still live in the same town.

I had a heavy session with my psychologist 2 days ago who saw me for an emergency appointment (it was that bad!) and it seems that my total panic (feeling as though I was suffocating and couldn't breathe and wanting to run away anywhere  - literally), was down to my ex. Who was a real psychopath and very violent and had tried to suffocate me more than once We had lived in a very small cottage and it had small rooms and nowhere to hide / get away. This translated to too much furniture in our new room, crazy eh? Making me feel claustrophobic and hemmed in (trapped).

So we emptied the room and just put a few items back in it and I felt instantly better. I always knew I needed space in rooms and put all furniture right back against the walls to create space but I'd never understood why.

I had felt like I was losing my mind again and thought moving house would cure it, but that was the need to run away causing that.
So the answer to your questions is, yes I'm staying and it seems I've climbed one more hurdle  on this road. :-)

[Dyess]

That's great news that you are feeling better and that you have had so many ah-ha moments. Truly is easier when you understand the reasons behind the actions and feelings we have. I am so glad you are not moving. I can imagine how that would throw me into a tail spin as well. Thanks for sharing this bit of good news with us Just wanted to check in on you

[sweetsixty]

I really appreciate your concern Trace sending hugs back xxx