The frustration of it all

[Rainydaze]

I wonder whether the childhood I had was really so awful sometimes and I still surprise myself when I come to the conclusion that I was very poorly treated by my father. I relate to pretty much all the symptoms of CPTSD and though undiagnosed I believe it highly likely that my dad has a sociopathic narcissistic personality disorder. Yet still my instant reaction is to attack myself and look at ways that I must somehow be doing something wrong! I've really woken up to how cruel and relentless my inner critic (and perhaps more upsettingly, my outer critic) is and the notion of everything not being my fault seems so strange, even though I know logically that I can't be held responsible for everything that ever goes wrong.

There is no smoke without fire and people don't just grow into adults suffering from toxic shame and the ensuing anxiety and tendency for depression for no reason. Something must have been wrong growing up for me to turn out like this because most other people I know have the healthy confidence, self-esteem and assertiveness of an adult which I feel I am very much lacking. I remember all these nightmares I used to get as a very young child and how self-conscious and terrified I felt being around other children at such a young age. Teachers used to say in school reports how serious I always was. That can't have been normal! It's only looking back that I see that I must have been treated badly when I was little too and I don't even remember it. I just really wish I could open my inner core, rub out all the unhealthy thoughts with an eraser and pencil in the healthier alternatives.

Blah, just getting a bit fed up with it all. It feels like an uphill struggle most of the time just trying to be a functioning member of society! 

[Kizzie]

Blah indeed Blues  I had a really unsettling dream last night and not only was my NPDM in it,  but my NPDM-I-L too.  A gawd awful way to start the day but based on the feelings of hopelessness, anger, of being trapped that came back I am reminded that I did not conjure up CPTSD. 

I hate that I still have dreams like this after coming so far in recovery. Glass half full though, if they were both in the dream maybe it means that I can handle it now, the two of them at once I mean.  Also the feelings in my dream were not as intense as they used to be and it took less time to shake them off when I woke up so I think (hope) Pete Walker is correct when he suggests that as we recover and process the memories they loose steam, become less intense and frequent. I am finding that does seem to be what is is happening.

My preference though would be to rip the bandaid right off and get this over and done with so I hear you 

[Rainydaze]

I think dreams are your brain's way of doing the housekeeping so you're right, maybe it does mean you can handle it more now and work through the subsequent things it makes you feel. I'm glad you seem to be the following the pattern that Pete Walker talks about, it certainly gives me hope. It's just such hard work, isn't it? One day it all feels loads better and the next it can feel like you're right back to square one! 

I'm just so resentful at the moment for all the opportunities I feel I must have missed from feeling so anxious and socially phobic. I know the logical thing to do is to start living the way I want to in order to avoid wasting more of my life but it doesn't feel that simple. 

[Kizzie]

Yes, it really is hard work and so so frustrating! 

FWIW I think grieving our losses, being angry and resentful is exactly what we need to do Blues, it's a huge part of processing the trauma if "The Book" is correct    Our losses are so great and it is a big part of who we are as people. Maybe though it becomes more and more a part of us rather than a old big ball of pain and regret that sits in our chest or stomach eating away at us.  We shrink it and blend it into the mix when we let ourselves feel the anger and resentment, acknowledge it, validate it, and comfort ourselves.

But it is a long path I agree     Walker talks about looking back at where you were and where you are and I find that helps enormously on 'those' days.  The baby steps do add up. 

[Rainydaze]

Haha "The Book" That does make a lot of sense actually, these are feelings I've repressed and ignored for so long. They don't just go away if you don't acknowledge them unfortunately!

I actually got very angry on behalf of someone else recently for the way my dad had treated them, which in turn made me feel more resolved to protect myself from his behaviour. I think I'm starting to see how anger can actually be self-preserving when dealt with healthily.

You put the

Our losses are so great and it is a big part of who we are as people. Maybe though it becomes more and more a part of us rather than a old big ball of pain and regret that sits in our chest or stomach eating away at us.  We shrink it and blend it into the mix when we let ourselves feel the anger and resentment, acknowledge it, validate it, and comfort ourselves.

What a brilliant way of putting it. I'm sure I read somewhere that you can't go round it or over it, you have to go through it to get to where you want to be. Hopefully the more it's acknowledged the less scary it becomes too. I find it helpful to remind myself that I'm an adult now and I'm no longer trapped in the same house as a narcissist, it grounds me to the present. It helps for someone to 'get it', thanks Kizzie. 

[Kizzie]

  Blues

[Boatsetsailrose]

Yep it's exhausting and gets fed up at times -
Often I have the motivation and the odd time not - and that's ok ! Seems normal
Nurturing is important for us and having fun -
Balancing out our life so it's not all recovery