Dear Sis ( trigger warning )

[EmoVulcan]

I know you just cannot 'get' me.  I have had a hard time understanding, well, everyone, including myself,  whom it has taken 52 years to do.  I now know me thoroughly well, and still have work to do.  I think I understand a whole lot better now, why agreeing to disagree sort of works for us.  We can still love each other by accepting the other as is.  We were taught this as part of being a Good Christian, having Faith.  I could not sustain faith in the face of suffering and pain.

Well, I never had faith like that, because I had questions, and nothing was a satisfactory answer to why no one wanted "me".
(the facts are not evident in that statement.)  It is irrational, and everyone sees it as a problem, of course.  Except, I did not see 'me', nor in fact, did anyone else.  Our self-image is molded by processes more complex than previous thinking could appreciate. As we cannot see our brain, so we have some barriers to understanding the mind-body connection, the mind is more than the brain. The body is but a purpose, with unfulfilled promise. I did see, sometimes my disconnects..I knew when I was being irrational, I knew the anger was inside and was not to be misplaced, and I was not allowed to have temper tantrums or else.  The last part of a program, I seek to end. I understand, but i am not happy with it.

Well, I am a child of God, which i think of as universe, or that awareness of All, the creator of Life.
The difficult process I have been undergoing has been the discovery of what and who I am.  Essentially, going crazy to get sane. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is what it is.

What we went through as kids, was horrible, and is considered evil.  We are right in our feelings, but we could not react as our bodies were run by instincts, where we had no way to run or fight, we had to learn to suppress our natural reactions. Our brain protected us as best it could at the time. There was nothing we could have done, we were innocent, and unable to process trauma so young. Please understand, you are not what happened to you at any point in your life. You are LIFE. And  meant to live and you do, in many ways,m better than I. I am OK with that, and happy in fact for you, proud of you, too.

The world blames victims, and I understand perpetrators do not want to be found out. That very plainly tells me what everyone believes is no where near truth. I may understand, but I am not ok with this.

I am in a spiritual and physical reconciliation process.  There are some terrible side effects from trying to believe a whole bunch of misinterpretations, that war with a child's clear perception. I am OK with that..

Just want you to know that I love you so much, I hid myself away, in shame and in guilt.  but it was all to let me, heal myself, and spare you from my increasing irrational outbursts, and some largish anger I have never unleashed for my fear of who I might hurt.  I am OK with that.

So I still may be distant by space, but as always before, you are in my heart and thoughts.  Don't worry about me, I was and still am Talking and walking with universe.  Just growing into my path.  But like Jesus, and Buddha taught, you have to have faith and practice mindfulness; to be happy.  I had to understand, or know, and that constitutes the path of the yogi, shaman, and also the Christian. but it is not chosen consciously...I have no religion, and plainly have not had faith. I have always had a personal relationship with Awareness and I am OK with that.

The churches are calling it spiritual emergency, a yogi calls it Kundalini and Buddah called it enlightenment. It really might be evolution.

Just my thoughts, because I think differently than most. And I am ok with that. It is who I am. I am no longer ashamed to be me. I hope you are OK with that. Won't change a thing if you are not, and I can be OK with that,still love you, and still be all of myself. That has always been what I wanted, to be who I am..the essence of truth, and love from empathy and compassion.  I know you may not understand, just know it is good, the only change I am making is to me, myself and I. But I have some idea how to assemble my parts, reconnect past with my now, leave tomorrow alone. Keep what I like and let go what I do not.  A puzzle to solve, worthy of my attention, necessary to LIFE, as I walk that path now having dwelled in the valley of the shadow death of the soul...knowledge is power, I heard that quite clearly, and knowing helplessness lacks any power, I began to seek after my salvation, not understanding I already was safe; it was understanding I parked, of I am how I act. I act out of love, or so I thought...I was mistaken.  I am love but love is an action, I was taught to control natural re-action arising from suppression of natural action.  Lessons are different, each time around, but life is a cycle, a pattern to see.  All the clues have been given as our lot to find, not a fairytale man in the sky, but the divine that lies within...my inner child, turned out to be me.  My spirit is revealed as wise and old, for knowledge takes time.  Energy flows different in heavy reality, universe knows time is not real, just a function of man to explain creation in limited terms. People make deadlines, misunderstanding death is transition, not an end of the self.  Science done told us, no thing is real, and all that exists is energy changing form! I know, I always knew,. If you can sit still and listen, block out calenders, clocks and life's noisy distractions, you might find, you know this is true: confirmation of faith, validates Logos, or the truth of the self, a (self) spoken word with intentional will.  I am. That is all there is, and everything yet to be. Love is the action, or purpose of life.