new here and not sure. reaching out for help

jmena · November 17, 2015, 03:12:55 PM

Lambie thank you. I'm just trying to maintain day by day and right now it's very difficult for me this is my only outlet to kinda let it out and the pain I'm feeling is overwhelming but thank you for your encouragement

jmena · November 17, 2015, 03:15:52 PM

Arpy1 thank you so much you and I soooo needed to have that today.

arpy1 · November 17, 2015, 03:24:29 PM

jmena · November 17, 2015, 03:37:07 PM

EmoVulcan thank you. The thing is that I no longer knows what makes me happy it's been so long since I've been happy I don't have passion for anything anymore & no longer really care about anything. I try to find something anything to try and remember but I can't. I'm kinda like a sailboat in the ocean with no wind I'm just drifting with no direction or hope right now I just fight the urge of ending it just about everyday & I'm hoping that I overcome this urge but then again why. I keep thinking god or whomever ever has a plan for me because to have a gun misfire 6 time's then the next morning it fire's outside with the same shells and it's not the first time something like this has happened so I know something has a plan I just hope it won't come to late. It's very difficult not to have anyone. ... again thank you.

jmena · November 17, 2015, 03:38:53 PM

Arpy1 thank you for your hugs they're much needed.

woodsgnome · November 17, 2015, 10:44:18 PM

Jmena wrote:

"I don't have passion for anything anymore & no longer really care about anything. I try to find something anything to try and remember but I can't. I'm kinda like a sailboat in the ocean with no wind I'm just drifting with no direction or hope right now".

I've been in that boat, Jmena, too many times to want to recount. But I'll use the sailboat metaphor and hope you can feel it, too; beyond the awful numb giving up feeling I sense. So here's the deal--your sailboat is bobbing about, but it's still in the water. That water, be it sea or lake or river, contains lots of waves. You're on a wave that will, by its nature, change. Why? It's in the ocean, made up of all those other good, bad, indifferent and indiscernible waves bobbing your boat about on the sea. As your boat keeps bobbing, it will touch all those waves, and it's a law of nature that you will touch a useful wave. May you recognize it when it happens.

You also said: "It's very difficult not to have anyone." That one, too, is very familiar to me. Partly my isolation was my own doing, but I also realize it's time I stop the guilt/blame sequence, as like in the water metaphor, I'm downstream now, and what I left upstream has no more direct bearing on where I'm headed. I dip my canoe paddle in the trough of each wave, and make my way through...slowly, deliberately, but determined that I'll find the shore, even in this overwhelming gale.

"...not to have anyone," you wrote. Remember, you now have someone --those on this forum. We're pulling for you with a distinct difference; we've all been through that rough ride, too. And known the driftlessness of bobbing about, adrift and not knowing where to turn next.

May you find a course through these rapids, one that steadies the waters. Once the waters settle a bit, you'll be able to move on with the healing you will find is closer than you think.

Trees · November 18, 2015, 05:44:33 AM

Jimena, I am another one who has spent a lot of time bobbling around in those scary doldrums. Woods gnome describe it all so vividly.

Also, I know all too well what it's like to have no one. I really empathize with you there too. I often just have to hug me myself, in private, of course. Learning to love ourselves and feel compassion for ourselves is not easy for people like us. But we keep on trying. And we come here to hug each other online and feel a little less alone.

Thinking of you, Jena . . . .

jmena · November 18, 2015, 10:38:58 PM

Trees and gnome thank you I'm truly trying to look for the sun but I can only seem to see it for a few seconds. I've been fighting this for 55 yrs. My doctor ask me if I've thought about hurting myself I told her no that I wanted just to die and I did put a gun to my head and it misfired 6 time's. She asked if I wanted to be admitted to the hospital I said no it wouldn't do any good I've tried everything. I just keep trying to put 1 ft in front of the other. Don't know what I'm going to do other than try and look for the sun. This is helping me but it still doesn't stop the pain or tears from falling. I could understand if I was a bad or hateful person but I'm not but yet I'm the one always hurt and let down. Again thank you.

jmena · November 18, 2015, 10:40:06 PM

EmoVulcan thank you I'm trying.

jmena · November 19, 2015, 11:24:44 PM

Trying to avoid triggers but so had to do when most are in your head. Being alone for upcoming holidays are not helping at all. I'm trying to like myself but hard to do when everything you love seems to leave you all the time. So now I'm thinking it's me.... you have to remember after my mom died ( age 4 ) my abusive dad remarried and the gave me up to the state at age 10 I ran away after being tired of getting beat in the different foster home's. So yes every time I think I've found some type of happiness it leaves. So I fight the battle of not ending it every day and I just hope that I will win this daily battle.