New here, finally posting (maybe triggering?)

[mkn022]

I first came across this months ago and it was a huge thing for me to find something that describes everything I'm going through--I'm 21 now, in my last year at a really intense, competitive university (not a helpful or healthy environment). I grew up with an emotionally abusive mother (who also has tourettes and OCD as well as a lot of issues from growing up with an abusive, alcoholic father), and a dad with severe PTSD that caused him to be very frequently dissociated and almost entirely emotionally unavailable.
I've been in therapy on and off since the end of my senior of high school, and have had a lot of issues with depression, anxiety, eating, etc. since I came to college and left the abusive environment of my house--but I now see more and more how I had some necessary but very unhealthy coping mechanisms as I was growing up (especially related to perfectionism and numbing/escaping/dissociating (maybe?) as best as I could). I'm currently in a place where things went really quickly down hill and I'm feeling really stuck...
I was on a medication that was generally helping, and I had my first real relationship this past summer, but that ended and I came back to school with no real support system. About a month ago (I think...its been a bit of a blur) I knew I was running out of meds and tried to be proactive but had an internal sticking point on the process of getting more/seeing a doctor. The psychiatrist who had prescribed them almost a year ago felt like an absolute no go, firstly because I have new insurance so I literally can't go to him, but also because I had returned to him after a really long time away and after going off a previous medication without consulting anyone and he talked to me about it in a way that I now see as really triggering and upsetting (it was well meaning but made me feel scolded by an authority figure and that is one of the absolute most anxiety causing things for me).
My new insurance also has really few options for me in this area because its based in a different state so I couldn't find a psychiatrist, asked my dad for help, he didn't find anyone either. It got to the point where I was finally calling the insurance, got 2 names, was calling doctors and it gave me a super intense day-long anxiety attack and then  felt the physical let down of that for the next couple days--and I was still running out of pills. I had already tried to call our student psychological services and health services and hadn't gotten helpful answers. Tried again, got put in phone loops, had to go through the student psych services really frustrating intake survey (at least for me in that mindset) and ended up being told I either had to go to a walk-in clinic or the ER to get a refill that fast, which with my schedule and where my brain was at felt nearly impossible.
The result of all this was that I tried to taper off by breaking pills in half, went off the meds, withdrew and was in a really bad place for a couple of days because of that and because I was punishing myself for what I felt like was really * up the basic step of going to a doctor. I got through that, had a decent week or two but then two weeks ago had a weekend where the whole thing was filled with somewhat inexplicable totally consuming anxiety and related dissociating (for lack of a better word) which has not gone away--I've gotten like this a few times before and it also coincides with me not sleeping and binge eating (or sometimes not eating). It's really, really frustrating and upsetting for me that this seems to be my brain's default state without medication. I'm at this point where I know I need to just get some help, but that feels harder than it ever has before since it was trying to get help that triggered so much stuff in the first place...
Not entirely sure what I'm looking to get out of posting on here, but have been feeling so intensely awful for the past while that I felt like I needed to do something!

[obscured]

From what you said it seems you have a few stress factors all at once which would be testing for anyone: University, realationship breakup, withdrawal from medication and emotional flashbacks.

I have two suggestions. One is to google the withdrawal effects and time frame for the medication you stopped taking. Some meds take months to withraw from. At least if you know some of what you are going through is related to a withdrawal then you can put a time frame on that and not have to worry that you will always feel that way.

Second is a suggestion to google therapists who are nearby or can do over the phone who deal specifically with emotiona trauma. It took me years to find the right one and I never thought to check online who might be near me. You know the nature of your issues which is a huge head start on someone like me who saw therapists with no clue for eight years before stumbling into the office of a therapist with a clue who could tell me what was wrong.

I know how it feels to believe that your brain is set to a default position of screwed up. The good news is the brain is not set in stone. We can change our brains over time with the right techniques. This is why I see a therapist long term. I just had several months that were really good and free of emotional flashbacks. I am back in them again and so am back seeing my therapist. We have more work to do. It feels never ending but when I step back I can see huge improvements despite the setbacks. Learning to manage the symptoms takes practice and it's just a fact of life for people like us.

There is a good life on offer if you put in the work. Never give up. I hope your situation improves soon.

[arpy1]

hi mkn022. nice to meet you and i'm sorry it is being so hard for you.  well done for posting though.

i echo what obscured says 

it sounds like you're really struggling and i hope you're not feeling a failure but reading your '* up' comment i suspect you are  !  so easy to do isn't it?? but to me it sounds like the whole meds thing triggers you, and that's not failure, that's neurological, in basis, so try and not beat yourself up? i know, easier said than done... 

i know you said you're not even sure what you're hoping for on this forum but i just want to say being heard by people who can relate and understand is huge for me, and i hope it will prove the same for you. it's a source of support and sometimes the courage to do the things i am most afraid of/triggered by.  maybe you will feel brave enough to sort out the meds thing, when you can handle that.  keep us posted, won't you? sending you loads of support and kind thoughts and big