What a Relief!

[whipporwill]

So glad to find this site!

I'm the younger sister to one brother with PPD and another brother (sexual abuser as a child, mental abuse continued into adulthood). And our mother is in denial. I've been in therapy and read every book I can get my hands on for the past 15 years trying to figure out our family dynamics and what makes us tick individually. I'm proud to want to know... I'm not ashamed of being in therapy myself.

I believe I have come a long way and am at a point of acceptance with many things that have been years in the making. I finally decided to walk away/cut ties with both brothers. Yet I am overcome with guilt. "Do the math" is the loop in my head that I'm battling. I can't get along with either one of my brothers which makes me the common denominator. A mother in denial doesn't help that, either. I'm not asking her to take sides - but I also don't want to feel like my own mother thinks I'm tearing our family apart by being 'too sensitive' because I'm not willing to be a punching bag anymore.

I'm at peace and have accepted that the ties must be cut with them (did this two years ago with oldest brother, and realized this week it must be done with PPD brother). However, I know no other way of having no contact with them other than to stop attending my extended family holiday events because I know they will be there. It is too tense. The PPD brother radiates anger whenever I am around. It is not just noticable and uncomfortable to me, but to everyone in the house. I have no control over this. And 'ignore' it is impossible.  I feel it in my heart and it is too much to bear. But that basically means I am walking away from my entire family! (Not literally - but since the holidays are really the only time I see them, that seems to be the case).

I have my spiritual beliefs and convictions that were proven solid for me this past Thanksgiving. When my blood family cannot meet my needs, I have a 'chosen' family (friends) who joined me on Saturday for the most peaceful, fulfilling holiday gathering I've had since childhood.   

I know this site is not about diagnosis/self-diagnosis, but I fit the bill for CPTSD according to your info. My therapist never 'diagnosed' me as CPTSD but he's never 'diagnosed' me with anything/a label. Maybe I'm being 'hoodooed' and that's not a good therapist (if so, I don't know any better ). But he's helped me get to this point with a therapy called Deep PEAT (Primordial Energy Activation and Transcendence) and also he utilized Enneagram which I think has been a huge help. I went to him for Rapid Eye Movement therapy but he said PEAT was more effective. So this (addressing CPTSD) will be my next step!

[woodsgnome]

Sounds like it's tough sledding, but I admire the determination you've shown to venture into a new life beyond family limitations. Between your therapy and what you've arrived at on your own, your map of recovery at least springs from a solid foundation. The rough edges will probably assert themselves somehow, but you'll be better prepared, too. Hopefully this site can augment that.

I loved your attitude per your 'new' family: "When my blood family cannot meet my needs, I have a 'chosen' family (friends) who joined me on Saturday for the most peaceful, fulfilling holiday gathering I've had..." You didn't choose the circumstances, but went ahead and followed your heart's lead. 

You also said: "I'm proud to want to know... I'm not ashamed of being in therapy myself." The stigma can be a deterrent, but kudos  for forging a way regardless. It takes time, as you noted. And courage.

There's a lot of info on this site, and people who might be able to lend a hand, or at least an ear...so I hope you will find this experience a good place to have found as you struggle with the next steps on this bumpy ride called cptsd.