Hi Everyone

[stacey]

I'm really wanting to get a handle on this inner critic who's been following me around my whole adult life (I'm 45). He comes out most markedly in my relationships. He's cost me a marriage and now I've been in my current relationship for five years aftee being single for three I can see such a marked difference in how much more triggered I am with a man. It's like it comes on slowly like a fog ... haha, appropriate way to look at it being on this site  It comes on and then it just smothers the relationship with the past. I can see what is what but sheesh, it's bloody exhausting. Some days I feel loke it's an almost constant talking myself down from the latest flashback.

So I'm glad I'm here to be with people who understand and hope we can be mutual comfort to each other

Cheers
Stacey

[stacey]

Well, this doesn't feel like a safe start - 14 views and not one person can be bothered saying hello:(

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi Stacey 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. The Inner Critic is an unwelcome companion, and (s)he hard to get rid of, and impossible to please. 
I can relate.

At OOTS, we welcome members who are dealing with CPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell us.
In the CPTSD Glossary you may find a lot the may resonate with your experiences.
A forum on this site that deals with our experiences with the Inner Critic is here: The Inner & Outer Critic
A few suggestions that may be of aid in your journey:
On CPTSD
On Boundaries
One that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness
And last but not least: Guidelines for All Members and Guests

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD,

Dutch Uncle.

PS: I'm sorry the many views and no replies have given you an unsafe feeling.
While I will to no extend invalidate the feeling you have expressed, I do want to say to you that also guests may have read your introduction, and these guests cannot reply: they need to have signed up here.
With every post you make you'll see that while it may get a lot of views, the number of replies is very low in comparison.
I can relate to your slight frustration/annoyance, but this is the way it is at this forum.
I can assure you, it's nothing directed towards you personally.

One way in which I personally deal with the disappointment of having shared something vulnerable/scary/valuable to me and to which I would have liked some feedback, is that the many views signify that at least people have shown an interest, that they relate somehow/somewhere, and that probably just reading my post has helped them on their journey.
They might step in a few days (or weeks even) later.
Processing cPTSD stuff takes time. For each and everyone of us.

I hope you'll feel more safe and welcome in times to come.

[Jdog]

I would like to echo what Dutch Uncle says about not taking a low number of replies personally.  It can feel personal, I know.  Many folks are unable to respond just due to where they may be on their journey.  But you are welcome here, and your posts matter.  The process of sending our innermost feelings out on the Internet and connecting with strangers is akin to fishing in a pond, not really knowing what, if anything, will be caught.

I wish you a productive and safe expedition here.  Your inner critic can be listened to and then talked back to by you, and others here (myself included) relate to this trying process. 

Be safe, and welcome to our site.

[woodsgnome]

Your sentiments echo what I often feel; that no one hears me and no one cares anyway--which probably has more to do with my endless self-doubt than any reality. I've stood on my head  trying to unlearn this fear, but that too seems so futile so often.

My sense is that there's loads of introverts on here, and that also speaks as to the why of some of the non-responses. Even natural extroverts would be driven to the i side given what we've experienced.

I've posted far more than I thought I would or could here, but each time I do the fear of putting my puny self out there echoes your own writer's inner critic feedback loop. I shrink back in fear when there isn't a response as well--it's like my input is sure to kill a topic, or offend, or be misunderstood. That's probably not true; but I do, as jdog hints, take it personally...it's a habit. Illogical, but we easily trend in that direction; it was what we mistakenly absorbed from our early circumstances.

What you wrote in the other thread re/impostors echoes how I feel about what I timidly choose to share here. You said: "...as soon as I start comparing myself to others I feel myself sagging. How can a soggy empty paper bag be a writer?"

I feel bad here, as I was immediately drawn to what you wrote in those posts but didn't want to "impose" right away as I feel like what effect do I have, etc., ad infinitum--lately this has been weighing heavily on me, and I'm very down on myself (my "normal" get outta here, fade away feeling  ). 

I'm sorry if you felt put out by the lack of responses. Interestingly, sometimes I notice threads from a year back suddenly reappear when a new person stumbles on a previous posting from way back and feels they can add something to the discussion. Perhaps even the original poster for a topic has moved on for some reason, as was the case with the impostor thread itself--it started long ago, but here we are still building on it. It struck a chord, and one never knows when that might happen.

Based on what your early writings indicate, your experiences and thoughts are needed here.   

[Dutch Uncle]

Interestingly, sometimes I notice threads from a year back suddenly reappear when a new person stumbles on a previous posting from way back and feels they can add something to the discussion. Perhaps even the original poster for a topic has moved on for some reason, as was the case with the impostor thread itself--it started long ago, but here we are still building on it. It struck a chord, and one never knows when that might happen.

I won't say more, for my Inner Critic is berating me for causing a threadjack right now.

[Kizzie]

Hi Stacey and I hope you are feeling a little more welcomed than you did initially. Unfortunately this is a busy time of year with year end at work and the holidaze almost upon us.  So a belated but nevertheless warm welcome to OOTS 

I can relate to that ICr coming out in relationships. I woke up this morning and realized mine had crept back up on me (like a fog) because my son came home for Christmas (arrived yesterday).  *? Weird but that's CPTSD for you. I knew I was excited to see him again (he only gets home twice a year), but I have been busy and did not realize it was also stirring up abandonment fears.  Having him home makes me fear losing this wonderful feeling of being connected and loved, and so my Inner Critic is trying to keep me safe in anticipation of being abandoned again.  Crazy but it makes sense in a CPTSD kind of way. Why would I want to face that deep sense of abandonment I felt as a child? Even as I write this I can feel the fear in my stomach and a tightening around my heart.

So now that I see what's going on I will do the self-soothing and reality check things and try to calm those fears.  I will be mindful of the fear, acknowledge how my ICr did keep me safe in the past, but focus on feeling all the good things being together with my FOC brings into my life (if I let it in).

Hope this helps 

[stacey]

Aww, thank you so much, everyone. I want to respond in more depth to what you've all written but for now I just want to say I appreciate you sharing your thoughts.  I really struggle with the online world sometimes. I've stopped being on Facebook because it just feels so weird the way you write stuff and put it out there and then if people don't respond it just sets off a whole lot of abandonment stuff. So thank you for being gracious in response to my mini tantrumy thing 

[eva]

Hi Stacey.   "sheesh, it's bloody exhausting."  yeah, I hear you. it is.  I am becoming more and more aare of the need to give yourself rest time because this recovery is hard work  - (I  am not in employment: I am in recovery also from a long-term and serious physical illness - but the social perception can be; o you have all that free time? are you a slacker? if not, you must be having a ball.......   you know, I am not having a ball and then my inner critic ill even beat me up for that!  ie, why are you such a misery, why can't you just be positive and happy, hat a negative person you are blah blah blah.....sigh)

by the way, I didn't read your "lack of response" comment as a mini-tantrum: I interpreted it as refreshingly upfront and real because it reflected the way many of us feel, re abandonment issues and we need to bring this stuff to the light and share it, so doubtless you have also freed things up a bit for others as well as yourself.. I hope

I have a lot of exposure anxiety and take a lot of things personally because I have experienced so many assaults on my fundamental Personhood - and I am gonna be patient with myself about that and trust it will dissolve as I heal more. I thought you might like to know that I have particularly noticed your posts and resonated with you: the way you express things and your take on it all.   

and, oh yeah: I just closed my FB age, and will leave it closed for a month and the review: because it's too much for me at times and I start getting addicted and angry.     hugs to you, Stacey. xx

[stacey]

Yvette, thank you for your kind words. Ah, time to rest and recover. I've just been away for five nights, a mini holiday. While away I felt so free! No need to fret about places in the world, about earning money, about rebuilding. Just the smallest of itineraries, the finding of food, the motel, exploring our surroundings. I felt like the world was both smaller to fit me and larger at the same time. Bliss. Now it's back to the same old, imprisoned in what looks like freedom to others. It's good to be here so we can take encouragement from each other to resist that monster trying to beat us up to a pulpy mess, huh

[NatureGirl]

Thanks to everyone posting their stories about their InC.  I thought I was the only one bedevilled with the voice telling me I'm not good enough, second guessing everything I write, conducting any too much post mortems on conversations, posts.
I've just stopped fbook viewing as well. It seems to set me off , particularly  a few people in my life who are not interested in me and their posts trigger my InC.

Thank you, Stacey,  for starting this thread. I didn't take your statement as a negative. I am new to the site, to the diagnosis, and so I view a lot but don't feel very secure in responding. I am learning so much from reading about others, their honesty in describing what they experienced and felt. It's all so very helpful.