EF's Physical and Psychological changes

[Dyess]

I keep learning more about flashbacks. I was very frustrated when the grounding techniques that I was ready and practicing were not working for me. It was like the flashback, went into dissociation, then it was too late to address the EF , the hold was too strong. Does this make sense to anyone else.
Physical changes in me are chills, sweating, sometimes headaches, chest pain , but these I can deal with.
But afterwards my body feels so empty and tired, like part of my soul left with the EF, strong feeling of emptiness.

[EmoVulcan]

Trace, that is so hard to deal with.  Efs, at least for me are in progress as I sometimes belatedly recognize I have been triggered..this has me feeling like I need my super awareness mode so I can head em off.  But once I know I am in an effort, I am exerting my will, as I did with lucid dreaming long time ago.  And it is hard, pretty much the same heavy, running in place, kind of effort, but the more you can willfully focus, even on sorting out how you feel, and know what and where you are supposed to be, and try to align all your senses in one place first.
That empty feeling, yeah usually while feeling like lead, and sinking.

[Dyess]

I feel the same way. Always trying to stay grounded to avoid the whole show and tell game. I have some small rocks I carry with me to help with this. They came from a special place and are really pretty, and smooth. This helps most of the time but then some EF's are too intense to be phased by the grounding, so I've learned. Sometimes I can detect them coming on, sometimes not, I'm already there, experiencing it and about done when I realize what just happened. I think that is where I go from EF to dissociating because I am at a loss for time at that point. Then there's the energy draining hangover afterwards.

[arpy1]

i'm not posting much lately, becos the depression is very bad at the moment.  and the flashbacks have been very severe. but this is potentially a helpful discussion.

for me, there are some EFs i can handle by practising the Pete Walker steps, and some that are just too overwhelming. lately they have been overwhelming and i have lost ground, i think.

i would be interested to hear if anyone has any ideas/tricks/strategies for how to deal with ones that just go too deep or on for too long.

[Indigochild]

Trigger warning ____

Yes Arpy1, i would like that too.
Spartanlifecoach does things you can listen to on his website, for emotional flashbacks.
He said that the feelings for example, one being anxiety, can come and go so not to worry if it comes back after listening to him speaking.
It will come and go. I want to know how to stop it or what to do with it to make it better.

I think that maybe - reading this thread-
that that is why after long emotional flashbacks, when they are over, I feel a bit lost.
It makes me feel guilty that i am maybe uncomfortable although received definitely that it is over.
Sometimes it is over so quick, and whilst i wanted it to be, I need time to adjust to that new ok ness of the world it seems.
Apparently its normal for us to not know how to feel good, and to be uncomfortable and not used to feeling good.
We dont always appreciate feeling good or the good times because we are waiting, even if sub consciously, for the bad times to come again and ruin it.
When i disassociate and i know i have, the opportunity to express the emotions of the flashback are gone.

So yes, maybe that is why the calm after the storm- when it abruptly happens, feels a little empty, unsettling, and its like- where did all that fear etc just go?
And you are exhausted. 
Thankyou for this. My T never said this when i spoke to her about needing to come back down to reality after an intense EF, weather i disassociate during or not.

Maybe i do feel empty. I guess the inner child is trying to convay a message to us, and when we disassociate or suddenly come out of the flashback, we dont get chance to listen to her, and its as though the people that stopped us feeling our feelings in the past and who dismissed everything are now us- we do it to ourselves because we have been taught to, and because the feelings are so terrifying to feel.

[arpy1]

i can relate to what you say, Indigo.

i always think that when i come down from a bad flashback, it's like the adrenaline that has flooded my system has used up so much energy that my body just goes into a state of exhaustion and everything just aches.

coupled with the fact that it seems to be that when you have an adrenaline rush of whatever sort, (from bungee jumping to shopping!) it is normal to have a down as the arousal subsides. (maybe that's why the high  we get from buying stuff never lasts past unpacking the bags! )

i recognise the not knowing how to feel ok, and feeling antsy when there's no crisis too.  like any feelings, even horrible ones are better than the deadness and uncertainty of no feelings.

we have a lot of work to do, don't we?  i was just reading The Body Keeps The Score   by Bessel van der Kolk. he was saying precisely this, that we have to retrain our bodies and our brains to change  the physiological consequences of having had to live in a constant state of fear/anger/arousal. it takes a long time. that's the frustrating bit.

i just wish i knew how to keep myself on track when the flashbacks get really bad.  that's what i need to learn. till i can, i just have to keep plugging away at the breathing and the relaxation and the self-talk. it just feels like there must be more.

[Indigochild]

Thanks Arpy1
You help me to understand this better, if this is the case.
Yes, my body aches too! So much. And its good to understand why.
Omg. maybe this is what somatic memory means. Maybe i and we are experiencing somatic memory!
It would be good to release it and underhand it.
And yes, it is normal to have a come down, same with addictions, why didnt i think of this!
Im sorry you feel this too.
i recognise the not knowing how to feel ok, and feeling antsy when there's no crisis too.  like any feelings, even horrible ones are better than the deadness and uncertainty of no feelings.
Sometimes, I would rather not feel than feel. But i think that crying would make me feel better and so would angering, and when its not too scary, I would like to do it, but i cant feel.

we have a lot of work to do, don't we?  i I guess we do, and you help me to feel understand and less alone.
I am going to read the book you said you read.
and Yes- we have had to live in a *constant* state of fear, anger and arousal. Of course I would feel empty now with out it. I feel guilt about this ,but really, its not my fault.

I hope you can learn the skills to keep yourself on track when the flashbacks get too bad- I'm sure you will. I worry my desire to isn't strong enough yet...more to self destruct and that worries me.

Yes, there must be more. Im sure there is more. I hope to not feel empty on recovery.

[EmoVulcan]

I have had periods of time, usually when employed, and needs all addressed, income adequate to expenses, but without excess to save for anything substantially beyond the moment..I was content, and almost relaxed.  That feeling did begin to morph into feeling that ' the other shoe is going to drop". 
I logically think this is cushioning me against another trauma that I would be otherwise ripping on myself for willful naivete.  Fool me once, type of thinking...I have not been able to just trust that changes can last.  I do not know if this is circular, self-fulfilling, or survival...or habitual.  Maybe a little of all.

[Dyess]

It's New Years Eve/Day here and the fireworks have just finished, for the most part. I listened to the fireworks from inside, until I thought they had stopped. Then went outside to smoke and a large boom happened and my whole body started shaking and vivid memories of Dad's suicide flooded my head. I started crying and felt sick. Then I realized I needed to get back inside. Now it's just mild trembling. I hope one day that loud noises like that will not feel like this.
Anyway, Happy New Year to everyone, I wish you a safe and happy year and life.

[Dutch Uncle]

Happy New Year to you too, dear Trace.

You are not alone in getting strong reactions to loud bangs from fireworks.
To a large degree that's what they are made for.

You are OK, feeling this.