New Member-thanks :D

[Beekins]

Hello, so happy I found this forum.  I look forward to meeting other like-minded people.

I lived with severe emotional abuse from an older sister for YEARS while my parents did absolutely nothing.  She taunted me and made fun of me in front of others every chance she got, turned my friends against me (she would go to their house and cry and tell them that I'm abusing her so my friends told me I had to stop treating my sister this way), made me lose my cleaning job, showed me porn of naked men when I was 14 and told me "it was about time I learned about these things", isolated me socially and came to my room in the middle of the night to yell and scream at me and tell me I am forcing her to kill herself.  She wanted to make sure I never accomplished more than she did so she did all she could to take away my confidence and stop me from studying so hard.

Fast forward to the present.  I have a good job, a nice home and the most loving husband in the world.  I look 20 years younger than my age.  We have money and life is good.  The older sister has become a loser in every way that a person can be a loser---no job, no friends, no money, only a mountain of debt.  I guess the universe gave her what she deserved.  Still I am unable to walk away from the trauma.  I am still very angry inside, obsessed with revenge and thoughts of taunting my sister back the way she did to me for so many years.  I don't want to be such a person but I cannot forgive her.  Tonight I had a big clash with my dad on the phone where I told him off and pointed out what a bad father he was and that it was his fault that a bunch of old men lined up to take advantage of me because I was such a sad, lonely and insecure young girl.  Now I feel like the world's worst daughter. 

I don't believe in therapy so I have been doing a lot of meditation lately and it has helped, but I don't know if I can ever walk away from the past and shake off the trauma. 

[mourningdove]

Hi Beekins,

The older sister has become a loser in every way that a person can be a loser---no job, no friends, no money, only a mountain of debt.  I guess the universe gave her what she deserved. 

I get that this^ is about your abusive sister, but it also describes me. I don't think that I am getting what I deserve any more than I think that you were getting what you deserved when your sister treated you so horribly. This is not a just world. Every day billions of people endure suffering that they do not deserve. Sorry to point this out on your first post. I know how hard it can be to share, and I know you probably didn't mean any harm, but reading that really hurt.

Anyway, welcome and I hope you find this site helpful.

[Ronin]

I don't believe in therapy so I have been doing a lot of meditation lately and it has helped, but I don't know if I can ever walk away from the past and shake off the trauma.

Hey Beekins, what you have learned can be unlearned. The feelings that come from the place of trauma ultimately result from thoughts in your mind. You've been taught to think that way, so you can learn to think a different way. I'm just beginning this journey myself. It's hard. It's scary. But, I know that it's possible to change the way that I respond to the thoughts that circulate through my mind when something happens to remind me of my past abuses.

Anger is actually a good thing from what I understand. It's a step along the path of recovery. It's how you direct that anger that becomes important.