Stuck

[phoenix318]

I have only just realised what I have been suffering from. I have been married for 17 years to a woman who most likely has some degree of a personality disorder. I can't believe I stayed so long. This is a summary of what she has done to me-
Restricted my friendships and hobbies through guilt and manipulation.
Interfered with relationships with my family members
Not allowed me to have photos of my parents in my own home
Raged at me regularly
Prevented my children having a normal grandparent relationship for over over 4 years - forced no contact on the children over an argument my mum had with her about being drunk in charge of a 3 year old.
Called me names that one should never say to a partner
Disrespected my family in ways that I have been ashamed of
Endangered my children by driving while intoxicated
Attempted suicide while in the care of children, one who was immobile at the time
Spied on me - hacked my social media accounts, emails, phone
Prevented me taking care of myself by clothing, self care etc
interrogated me after phone calls thereby reducing the chances I will want to make another call.
Socially vilified me resulting in further abuse of me
Been lazy and therefore gave me an uneven load of life's burdens to carry
abused children by neglect and by being drunk and abusive in front of them.
Failed to nurture me as a a loving partner including sexual neglect.
Used fear techniques to try and maintain the relationship e.g. I'm going to the UK and the kids may come with me
Used her knowledge of my daughter (I had an illegitimate child when I was young) to guilt and shame me into keeping no-contact
Make me believe my children would love me less and think less of me as I had another child. Using my shame against me.
Abused me for wanting a relationship with my daughter.

She stopped drinking about a year ago after she almost lost her job - she is a nurse and was drunk on duty. I had also made it clear that I was approaching the last straw. The last year has been not so bad but I don't feel better - in fact I feel worse. I get emotional flashbacks to things she has done to me that I did not process at the time as my focus was just on surviving. It is like a pressure cooker has had the lid off and all the bad stuff can now bubble to the surface. I get nightmares and feel stuck - I just can't plan anything. I get an uneasy feeling when I am in the same room as her even though she is now behaving herself most of the time. I feel guilty that I can't give her a fair go if she has changed. She blames her unhealthy relationship with alcohol but I am not sure that even someone addicted to alcohol can do the things on another person that she has done to me. I am frightened she is a narcissist. Despite all this I find it difficult to leave her. I still have some emotion and I am questioning whether I have some sort of stockholm syndrome style attachment - as if I start with a page to list what positive qualities I love about her the best I can probably come up with is "she has stopped drinking".

Hoping you guys can help me make sense of this. I have spent a year waiting for my mind to clear after the worst the abuse has stopped but I never get any clearer.

[tired]

One thing to keep in mind is how you define better.  As you start to see things as they are you will probably also have intense feelings about the whole thing. You might beat yourself up about it. In a way you might seem worse.

Better means being aware and at first that feels painful. It gets better but over years and years depending on what happened.  Maybe that's why some people choose not to be aware.  It's kind of horrible.

That's how it goes for me is what I'm saying.

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Phoenix  

I'm sorry to hear your marital relationship has been so abusive and that you have developed CPTSD as a result.    Have you seen a therapist yet? It might help you to get unstuck in whatever way works best for you, whether that be working on the relationship, separation/ leaving or whatever. 

You're certainly in the right place here to learn/talk about CPTSD and if you aren't already aware of our sister site Out of the Fog, there is a whole community  there who are trying to deal with people who have a personality disorder that might be helpful as well.  The URL is http://www.outofthefog.net/forum/index.php?wwwRedirect.

Again, welcome and I hope you find some comfort and help here 

[V]

wow pheonix318

it sounds like she may have so much going on and that so much has happened that in order for you to heal you may need to get away from it all ...

perhaps after all this there is nothing left and I don't mean that to sound frightening but I've been there ...

you can be supportive but you also have and need alot of healing yourself ...

no one in a relationship deserves to be treated that way and the children do not need to be around this for sure becuase they too are now scarred

sounds like she is an alcholic, narcissist, phychotic behavior, personality disorder, more issues than one can possibly deal with - yes, if the drinking has certainly stopped for sure then she is dealing with alot of emotions and she needs help with that but so do you and then you both need help coping together ... gee, at one time, I was seeing a therapis, my (x now)husband was seeing a therapist and we were seeing one together ...