New and frightened

[NatureGirl]

Hello, I'm so pleased I found you. I had to stop and breathe just to go on. I'm having very intense reactions atm.
A brief history. Sexually abused as a 4 year old by a neighbour which I have minimised all my life. He went through 4 out of 5 of us. In the middle of nowhere and we lived next door to a pedophile. What are the odds? Anyway, coupled with that and a fNPD who isolated us and you get a sense of why I've ended up here. Im 57 and recent additional traumas have reignited these childhood events. I'm flooding every day. I dissociate through daydreaming and live in a fantasy world. I've taken up smoking again after 10 years but hopeful I'm not too hooked to throw them away. They are just an old friend. I'm completely isolated as I have brought myself to that situation through avoidance of people in the past two years. Rage besets me on a daily basis. I wondered what was wrong with me until a trigger event a few months ago and I started this journey of self discovery. I just thought I was weird, different, and would end up like my elderly father who has no friends and relies on us. Which is a major problem as he is a primary abuser.
I'm starting some therapy in the new year for the trauma and proud of myself that I have reached out finally to do something. Usual history of depression  and anxiety all my adult life. And poor decisions regarding relationships with more toxic people. I'm so tired. I'm not suicidal ( I know that impulse!) but I'm totally uninterested in life. What's the point, is my thinking. But, I'm confident this forum will be part of my healing. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi NatureGirl 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. We're glad you found us too.
That's quite a lot you have gone through. So much abuse that was done to you.

You're right to be proud of yourself for reaching out for therapy to work through your depression and anxiety. It's a major step to putting yourself first and ending your self-described isolation. Well done. 

At OOTS, we welcome members who are dealing with cPTSD through many different events that came on our path. Sexual abuse and other toxic relationships are, alas, quite common. I hope and wish that these shared experiences will give you a safe place to read and talk on the effects it has had on you, both in the past and present.

In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries
One that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness

And last but not least: Guidelines for All Members and Guests

Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD. My best wishes for the new year, and thanks for joining us.

Dutch Uncle.

[Jdog]

NatureGirl-

You are in very good company here at OOTS.  I sense that, despite all of the hurt you have gone through, you have clarity around the path you are on now.  I sense self compassion and openness to discovering new ways of feeling and being.  These tools will be very important as you embark upon a new healing part of your life.

I will turn 57 in a little over a week.  My life story is different from yours, but being with toxic people I my past is a common feature.  I have been working very hard for three years now, trying to understand who I really am and finding my strength as I move into this phase of my life.

Very good wishes to you during this time of great growth.  May you find all the good that is within you and use that as a life raft as you rebuild and become whole.

Blessings-

JDog

[Mybeautifulabuser]

Hello nature girl,

I am totally new too. Your post brought a tear to my eye.  I stopped smoking today too 

I'm hoping that this is the beginning of better things for me. Life so far has been amazing but terribly painful and frightening too. I'm 41 and just learning new coping strategies after a tragedy forced me to take stock.  Today has been grey and mostly anxious but I write and I feel better, that is all I know.

I'm writing a blog, it is brand new too, an escape, a way to speak.  Feel free to have a look you ll probably be first lol. I wrote about the cycle of abuse this eve.

It's at www.mybeautifulabuser.com

Well done for arriving.

Big warm virtual hugs

R
X

[NatureGirl]

Thank you for the warm welcome. I am fragile although determined that this is the final phase of my long, hard life. I'm reading a book called Emotional Freedom (Orloff) and finding the meditation exercises really help me with my the anxiety and the flooding I'm experiencing. I'm also reaching out - breaking a life long pattern. I have a few toxic people around me so that book is helpful in terms of changing my energy and giving me a script.
It's not over, until it's over!

I think wherever I am in this journey I can reparent myself,  heal the hurts that have worn a groove.  I was surprised with the research that says you can reprogram yourself. Another great insight I had was that so much of what I perceived as "personality" is simply my reactions to this abuse. That idea gives me courage. I'm also very fragile! Did I say that? And I'm not used to being vulnerable. That's a place of fear.
Good wishes to all who visit here.

[Mybeautifulabuser]

I am certain you can reprogram yourself nature girl. I considered myself until a year ago to be irreparably hard wired.  And Even where I see the same habits and thoughts and panics and disasters coming, I have definitely learned that I can program myself to manage those things differently, however terrifying it may feel

X

[breakingfree]

This post and the replies are so touching. I am new to this board. I have a counselor but never came to a CPTSD board before and it really helps to hear everyone's path to healing. I relate to your fear and story. I hope you have great healing and peace in your life soon. It takes time.

[Jdog]

Breaking free-

Welcome and I hope you are finding some peace and strength.  People here are very caring.  We connect in ways that baffle my mind at times, and can help one another in ways that maybe could not happen in other settings.

Thanks for joining.

[breakingfree]

Thank you jdog! I suffered from debilitating panic attacks last year....they went on for months and I just rolled over so to speak and endured. I held onto my counselor, and saw her twice a week to cope. I now see her once a week. Perhaps I was flooding too, not familiar with term but it felt like my present was reliving the past 24/7 all the flash backs, fears, hyper vigilance, etc... Fight or flight....very physical thing. Freezing in my fear. Ugh. just thinking about it....

Talking it through with my counselor absolutely saved me. I knew at least that much. That being in front of her and talking out my experiences meant I could maybe understand better. It took time, but came slowly. I understand the sources now. I liked the learned helplessness page here...gosh that defines my past for sure. I was a heap of "give up" on the ground. But the only way out is to sort it out with a therapist/counselor. One who understands abuse. Thank god I found her.

It's very true: trauma victims tend NOT to want to talk about what they endured. That is the first step. It's very difficult to "relive" and tell someone what happened to you. I cried many times in her office and flashbacks took over and there is nothing I can do to stop them other than keep talking, keep showing my pain and hope that I don't have to relive things I went through in such scarey ways anymore. It takes time. I still get upset recounting things (which I don't enjoy to do!) but it seems more doable now....I am sorting all this madness I endured from a safe place now.

I am working on not feeling like "prey" and not isolating. Those are my big goals right now. So much I lived through made me feel "punished" for ever trying to bounce back and heal. It's hard to describe, but, I guess because my victimhood went on for so long: I started to feel like if I ever did anything good for myself, anything healing, any self care, any advancement in my health goals or happiness or attempts to escape abusers: life punished me with these abusers actions in response. I started to feel there was a real cause and effect thing going on. Maybe there was. Because escaping abusers is very scarey and they manipulate and watch your every move like predators. I guess this is part of the learned helplessness thing. Which I agree with: long term abuse teaches the victim to give up. I am that victim who wants to stand again. Yes: I was floored with pts and fatigue and feeling so violated I couldn't move anymore. But I want to live a life that frees me from victimhood. I never deserved abuse. I know it takes time to heal what I went through but I say to all of us here: don't give up. Keep talking.