My Saboteur

[quietincrowd]

I am new here and am finding my way around. I hope my post does not make anyone uncomfortable and it may have potential triggers.  I was in a 17 year marriage that was emotionally, psychologically, and at time physically abusive; divorced for a few years.  I had been in therapy off and on and in the spring had what was called a "mild breakdown" as a result of many things. My therapist diagnosed me with ptsd, referred to c-ptsd, as well as anxiety. This has been a long road to healing, having to leave friends that triggered me and had boundary issues. I have felt very centered and was doing fine.
I have reconnected with an old friend, someone that knew me prior to my marriage and we are so happy. He is kind and patient, gentle, supportive, and does not mind to face this with me. We have talked a bit about my struggles-it is so difficult to explain. It is a healthy relationship, a true partnership. I could go on...
I am writing here because I am struggling. I have never taken a compliment well. There are many reasons, I was pushed to achieve as a child, my shortcoming were always pointed out along with a compliment. In my marriage it meant I was being analyzed and would soon be a target. When someone offers me a compliment I can tell them dozens of reasons why that is not true. That inner voice, my saboteur, is always there to remind me why that cannot be true and all the reasons I should not accept it.
This man is a gift, he shares his feeling in such an open, honest, respectful way. He told me I was beautiful, something that I have never been told as an adult. It makes me uncomfortable for a variety of reasons, and I feel guilty for those feeling too.... I guess I am just at a loss.
I had a difficult weekend, listing all the reasons he should not love me, why he should not want to be in a relationship with me, all the challenges we could face. I care for him so very much and feel this need to retreat which is not right. I know this is all part of my past, the c-ptsd but I am struggling to share this. I guess I am trying to see if other struggle with this, how to quiet this saboteur  (for i know it is not healthy but here it seems to be even more detrimental), and how to start this difficult conversation to explain how I have struggled this weekend, and why I struggle with compliments.
Thanks!
~quiet

[samantha19]

Well done for leaving the abusive relationship, for a start. That's really good, and great that you have a supportive friend and you're seeking healing.
I deal with inner critic attacks. I think we all do here, it's a pretty main symptom unfortunately.
You can try angering at it, because it's not true and it's like the inherited voice of your abuser. This helps a lot of people shut it down.
You can also treat it with compassion if that works for you. See it as a scared defense mechanism gone in to overdrive, desperately trying to protect you from imperfection, which it believes equals harm. This means talking soothingly to that part, to say you understand why it's there but thing are going to be okay now, you're older and stronger with more resources to pull on, you're a good enough person, you're going to look after them/you, etc.
Another technique is to make fun of it to show how ridiculous and desperate it is. This could mean imagining it as an angry cartoon villan. You can imagine killing it in various comical ways too, I saw this in a thread in here. Quite amusing.
I've taken to subconsiously going "pow pow inner critic attack" when I notice it starting, which amuses me a little and that helps.
Finally,  affirmations, like the self-soothing one above, can really help. The book C PTSD from surviving to thriving has a good little section of these, for 14 different types of attack.
Phew! Feel like I just wrote an essay.
It does get easier to deal with, over time. All the best <3

[quietincrowd]

Thank you for the ideas. I think it started in childhood with how I was raised and naturally is a result of the abuse too. I will keep trying. I did talk to him about it a bit and he shared very openly and honestly about his observations. So very kind and caring, something I have never had. I do feel better about it since we talked but there is some healing left to do.
Thanks!