Introducing Myself Is Scary... [Possible Trigger / Witnessing Death]

[dischorde]

... and I suck at posting in forums rather than just being an occasional lurker, but I am going to try:

I just found this board and reading through it found that I really related to a lot of what people were saying. I had joined another similar board awhile back, but felt terribly guilty and uncomfortable posting as it was for survivors of "abuse" and being that I was "only" emotionally "abused" and feel uncomfortable using the term "abuse" I felt partly like an imposter and partly ashamed (Feeling like I was a really terrible person for posting like *I* was abused, who did I think I was? Clearly I'm just an overly sensitive cry-baby whining over nothing). I feel a bit that way now, too, actually, but the fact that this comes from Out of the Fog makes me feel a bit better as I'm pretty certain my father had BPD, and have occasionally visited the OOTF site many times in the past. I also relatively recently found c-PTSD and it really seemed to fit me.

About June of last year I got of my anti-depressants, and then immediately thereafter got into a fight with my friend's mother and lost my only close friendship where I live, excluding my boyfriend (not that she and her mother were particularly healthy people to be around - they are very likely narcissists). My mother, who I am very close to, moved back out of state in August. I've been really struggling with feeling depressed and lonely, but I don't want to go back on anti-depressants as they were making my hair fall out and I know it isn't a chemical thing so much as the fact I am very painfully perfectionistic, have low self esteem, and am in general making myself miserable. I just don't really know *how* to stop thinking the way I do - and I even have an undergraduate degree in Psychology! I both cannot currently afford a therapist (and I mean that, I'm leveraging everything I have for my current life plan that I really don't feel like going into in order to prevent having to defend what I'm doing - Its a very good plan, I just don't have a dollar to spare at the moment), and never trust them enough for it to work. I'm hoping maybe from here I can get some ideas on things to try.

I'm really struggling with feeling worthless and unproductive, while being trapped by fear of failure (and fear of success as well, which is apparently obvious to everyone but myself). I absolutely hate to try anything I don't already think I'm going to succeed at - I rarely do, and then when I do try I hold myself back and feel excruciatingly uncomfortable and inhibited at the same time. Considering I highly value people who are unafraid to fail first and who take risks, and I 100% believe success is dependent upon failure, I feel like such a failure that I can't even TRY much less TRY and FAIL and TRY AGAIN like I should be able to if I was "good enough".

To add insult to injury, I am still grieving my father's death and part of me still does feel like it was my fault. Though it was him and his side of the family that caused most of my emotional trauma growing up, I really miss him. He was the only person who was any good at cheering me up or making things seem less scary / freak-out worthy even when I was having panic attacks. It also sucks to think of all the things he will miss in my life, as he died of a heart attack not even a month after my 24th birthday (I just turned 26).

While I logically know that it wasn't my fault - that he was terribly depressed, wanted to die, and absolutely refused to go to the doctor - the fact that he died right next me and if I had just watched the stupid basketball game he had on (rather than the sci-fi show I was watching with earbuds on my laptop) I might have noticed and called 911 sooner still makes me feel culpable at least in part.  I'm not even sure of what his last words were, just the gist of them, and that really hurts.

I feel like I'm just holding on to everything by a thread and I hate it so much. I don't want to be sad anymore, or broken, or flawed.

I don't even know how to conclude this - I just seem to have gotten onto this forum and started rambling...

 

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi dischorde 

Welcome to Out of the Storm. It sounds like you are dealing with a lot of issues and I'm glad you have found us.
I did read your other post, and it did struck a chord with me. So I'll reply to that post here as well.

I [...] felt terribly guilty and uncomfortable posting as it was for survivors of "abuse" and being that I was "only" emotionally "abused" and feel uncomfortable using the term "abuse" I felt partly like an imposter and partly ashamed

This is quite common among survivors of emotional abuse, since it all has been so 'covert'. But it doesn't make the abuse any less real. I recently found this article that addresses the issue, from the experience of someone who suffered from Narcissistic abuse: "But They Didn't Hit Me" – Narcissistic Abuse IS Domestic Abuse

Feeling like I was a really terrible person for posting like *I* was abused, who did I think I was? Clearly I'm just an overly sensitive cry-baby whining over nothing.

This is known as the Inner Critic berating you. We have a whole section dedicated to this phenomenon. Everybody on this board is all too acquainted with it. There are various ways to deal with the Inner Critic, which are discussed at length here. There's no quick fix, but there are ways to learn how to cope.
I hope and wish they may be of value for you in your recovery.

Since you have identified yourself as someone suffering from Complex Post Traumatic Disorder, or CPTSD, we want to make you aware of a couple things as you settle in.
In the cPTSD Glossary you may find a lot that may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On cPTSD
On Boundaries

I'm really struggling with feeling worthless and unproductive, while being trapped by fear of failure (and fear of success as well, which is apparently obvious to everyone but myself). I absolutely hate to try anything I don't already think I'm going to succeed at - I rarely do, and then when I do try I hold myself back and feel excruciatingly uncomfortable and inhibited at the same time. Considering I highly value people who are unafraid to fail first and who take risks, and I 100% believe success is dependent upon failure, I feel like such a failure that I can't even TRY much less TRY and FAIL and TRY AGAIN like I should be able to if I was "good enough".

I relate to your story, and one entry in the glossary has been of great value to me personally, and you may relate to it as well: Learned Helplessness

My condolences for the loss of your father. Mourning the death of a close relative is often a lengthy process, and two years on it's very common to still feel the loss very strongly. The circumstances of his passing, so close to you even in a literal sense, yes that's making it even harder.  
I don't want to be too much of an amateur therapist/psychologist, but it may be worthwhile to check out 'Survivor's Guilt'. Again, it's common. That doesn't make it any easier, but perhaps reminding yourself of it may help you calm down your Inner Critic.
You were, and ARE, not at fault for anything that has passed.

My father too loved me a lot, and I feel bad using the word 'abused' because I feel like that is judging him as having been a 'bad person' rather than having done things that were hurtful.

I can relate. At some point in my recovery process I struggled similarly, and it did help me a lot to call it 'abusive behavior', plain and simple. It did help to disconnect the 'person' from the abuse, and that helped me to better see the abuse for what is was: Abuse. Never mind if it was done by a 'bad person' or not, the abuse itself didn't change a bit whether I took the 'person' into account or not.
Before I 'disconnected' the two, it was much harder for me to even call it "abuse".
But alas, it was.


Welcome again, I hope and wish this place and community will give you comfort and be of aid on your journey through cPTSD, our Guidelines for All Members and Guests may help you in keeping this a safe environment for you and to get an idea of the community we create with each other.


Dutch Uncle.

[Kizzie]

Hi and welcome dischorde.  Rambling is considered a good thing here     as a lot of recovery is about beginning to talk and share what we've been though, how we're feeling/doing now, and giving/receiving ideas for moving 'out of the storm' that is CPTSD. It feels awful I know and most of us here can relate to what you're experiencing.  I hope you will find the information and support you need.   

In addition to the link Dutch posted regarding emotional abuse, there's some additional info here . Also, if you use the "Search function" at the top of the page, you'll find numerous discussion threads on the topic.