New Member

[Tesseract]

So it seems I am one of you, traumatized my whole life starting in early childhood with ongoing trauma that I can not seem to escape from the world/society.

I am a tough little thing, a survivor, resiliant, creative, adaptable...yet I can just barely function in many ways... at all.  I feel like I have been condemed to drift through life with no place in society, an exhile or a visitor but never truely part of any group.

I was traumatized through a series of events.

Losing my first friend as a less the 3 year old to completely false molestation charges leveled at this little boy/his older brother....because I caught Monnucleosis and it is nicknamed "the kissing disease"....I remember the interview.

But this was only the beginning for me.  Due to having a fever seizure during this illness I was put on phenobarbitol during the early years of my life...a practice that no longer occurs....somewhere in these events I ended up with a coordination disorder which is apparently something that can also be impacted by trauma...so double-hit.

Now it gets worse, I went to preschool and because of the coordination difficulties they labelled me "retarded" which was totally crazy as I was *very* verbal and capable of complex reasoning.

This was the beginning of my nightmarish and confusing  ride through the school system.

I was taught that appearing "normal" was everything to the point where I have litterally live my entire life having to put on an act in public so no one could see I was not "normal".

I lived under constant threat, constant fear.  Yet I was not really educated, first the school system said I did not belong in regular school then when they found out I could get *top* scores on the state tests they didn't educate me but they suddenly did want me there.

I was utterly ruined socially with my peers, given a non-education, prepared for absolutely nothing, discouraged from having dreams, punished for things I had no control over, bullied, terrified, and abused.  The worst part is I can not completely blame my parents when they were given such awful "expert" advise over and over.

They called me narssisistic as a child, I'm not....but my mother might be.  They said I had behavioral issues with authority.  No I have horrible trust isssues and a track record of authority figures being dead wrong and ruining my life over and over.

Lets see multiple incidents of harmful medical advise, a completely screwed up education, systematic destruction of my self-esteem, emotional and mental abuse.   It hurts that I was made to live under this kind of pervasive fear and disempowerment.

Dear lord, my mother encouraged me to clean my room by telling me I was on the road to becoming a killer and then tying that statement to love.  She also gave me a long list of things I would never have and endless comparisons to all sorts of negative role models....thank Mom for doing that and then also making me doubt my very sanity.  Oh and Dad glad you didn't hit me but my tears *were* real and I did not need you ripping up/breaking things I care about or punching holes in walls next to and above my head.

Thank you teachers for the humiliation and frustration.

Thank you kids for the bullying

Thank you world for being so "helpful" with my poor sense of time, poor sense of direction, horrible handwriting, physical awkwardness, and inability to remember dates.  Thank you for caring so much about burocrasy and calenders and clocks and misundetstanding how much all of this hurts that I feel exhiled from society even though I have so much to give.

I would love to have a single credential to my name....I *can* do things, I sm capable.  I am not irresponsible and I do care...what I cannot deal with is the *judgement*.

At this point I may never know how much is trauma and how much is a legitimate disability....but I have managed to drift by and keep barely afloat....can I please have some sort of help to somehow do more....that or tell me which society I can be appart of.

My marriage is over and this year has been rough....I am not strong and I have never had solid ground to stand on.  I am 40 years old and I have no idea where I belong but I do know how to put the pueces back together....over and over.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Dear tesseract
Thank you for sharing and I am truly sorry this has happened to you ...
I know what it is like to have a mother like that - I had one too.
I'm 42 and hit another bottom  am off work and like you have come out of relationship and going through the rough . But each time I search for a bit more healing it does come and I hope it does for you to ...
I want to get the right help --
'An ex hile ' yes ! I can relate with that - but we don't stop until we feel at home because it's a human right
This forum is so supportive and informative and I know you will get good things here. I have found others like me who are kind
Wishing you healing

[Ronin]

Hey Tesseract,

Your story is tragic. I may be new to this forum and new to my recovery of CPTSD, but I heard something in your post; I heard the innate desire to not surrender to myopic views of much of the world. I heard a desire to not only succeed, but to excel, and to prove "everyone" wrong. I commend you for that. In fact, I envy you for that.

I am in the process of learning that the world does not define me, and I get to choose who I am. I am hoping to find the strength that you convey in your post to make what I'm learning a reality.

[Kizzie]

I have so much to give.  I would love to have a single credential to my name....I *can* do things, I sm capable.  I am not irresponsible and I do care...what I cannot deal with is the *judgement*.

You are truly welcome here and you will not be judged Tesserat. You are likely to receive lots of  and  and  and    for your courage in reaching out. Here credentials are not important, being you is more than enough, it's something to be celebrated,

You do have a lot to give, but perhaps the flip side of the coin is also relevant?  That is, you may also have much to receive - understanding and support from others.    I hope you begin to feel that here