I am going through divorce, anxiety prevents me defending myself-help

[Justin]

My wife's lawyers are taking full advantage of my,..weakened state, to leave me with nothing. I care so little about my own survival, I have no will to fight. But I love my children very much. They are my so.e reason for living and I must remain in a position to see them and make them happy. I'm very good at that and it gives me purpose in a life I would rather simply switched off now.
The cause of my illness is very old and has been regularly reinforced by my own death wish. Most recently three years in Afghanistan. My divorce (the home I had built was my fantasy happy place with a proper family and home no one could take) was unexpected and sudden. I was home just one week, living in the house is built just one week,.. Waking with my children, sharing breakfast, taking them to school. It was my cure I had survived so long to create. But it was a fantasy, she was not faithful and wanted the life, but not the damaged me. She changed the locks while I was at work,..doing the dream job near home, that payed well.. So we could at last fulfill our dreams.
I had a serious breakdown after the split. It happened at Christmas two ago now. I attempted suicide in a way I thought very effective and was guaranteed that no one knew my location. I had taken a remote ocean front cottage for the purpose.
Alas I survived.
I fought to see my children, that gave me some strength and I won. Though last year was a very bleak one when not with them,..I rebuilt their hearts from the breakup and built a great post family relationship with them. I now have a girlfriend who tries very hard to help me,.. And finally, I ask for help.
I also have Dyscalculia. Last years breakdown and the need for recovery, means I no longer have work. I am self employed so benefits do not apply to the likes of me, nor would legal aid.
I am being crucified by lawyers who are not even very good,.. I need help. I cannot afford help. I am notoriously poor at asking for help,..as I'm sure you understand. Help never came when I really needed it,..for so long all those years ago.. When I was so very small and helpless. But that was, I know long ago. However it left me entirely self reliant. No one has before ever helped me,..indeed, I never thought I deserved help. If I'm honest, I don't now. But I must survive for my children. I must not infect them with the darkness losing me would cause. Despite what you see, I am a very amicable chap. I am an expert at surging horrific events. I have dealt with great emotional and physical trauma. I am very hard to kill, even when I put my extensive abilities and knowledge to it.
We have three properties. A house, an old fire station (development site) and a nuclear bunker (development site). I am not greedy,..I want only one. The bunker is close enough to the house (3miles) that I could put a mobile home there and have the kids when I am allowed. Her lawyers are robbing me of all three. I need help,..partly legal to navigate the horrendously anxiety causing court system,.. But also moral support to not give up and run/hide.
I dream of a remote home where there are no people at all. Just me and a dog that needs rescuing. I must resist the urge to run. I have a boat,..the urge is terribly strong,.. Please, if anyone knows where I can get help. Please help me.
I've looked everywhere, posted everywhere, tried the NHS... Without large funds, I have found none.

[Kizzie]

Hi Justin - I am so sorry to hear you are in the midst of such a terrible struggle.     CPTSD does not make for an easy, smooth life for any of us, but what we also all have in common here is that our recovery is forefront.  That is, if we are to help our children or anyone, we must first help ourselves. 

I am not certain in which country you live but most offer some form of subsidized care.  I was never one to reach out for help either but two years ago I was in such bad shape I had to and it was the best thing I could have done (although it did not feel like that then). You might start with having a look here and contacting one of the agencies who may then direct you to the resources you need -http://www.outofthestorm.website/emergency/

Here we can offer support and information about CPTSD so please keep on posting, it really does help not to feel so alone and compliments help from others IRL.  for your courage in posting here, it's a big step out of the darkness and fear.

[Tam]

I support you!

I went through a very difficult divorce as well with someone who was simultaneously threatening my life on a regular basis and taking me to court for custody of our child, which was my reason for being. I ended up with major depression after fighting very hard for three years. I know what it's like fighting that battle on top of CPTSD. It definitely made me want to end things, but I always found some kind of silver lining to get me through it. Some days were much worse than others. I hope I can help by supporting a very similar situation to my own.