hi / not 100% sure if i've been abused

[reluctantastronaut]

hi people. you can call me any variation of my username. im a 19 year old kid in the US. ive made this account in hopes of some validation/comfort about my CPTSD and possible abuse. i havent been diagnosed officially.
i first found ootf and oots almost a year ago and was shocked to see that there was a diagnosis that fit me so well, including things which i thought were personality flaws and not symptoms. i did a bunch of research on cptsd and i was unsure but recently i've become sure that i have it. what i'm less sure is if the relationship its from was actually abusive. i've spent the past 5 years questioning if the way my mom treats/treated me was abuse. i go back and forth. its hard because i've tried to reach out to people i trusted endless times and every time i get rebuffed, scolded, or yelled at for saying such horrible things about my mom who OBVIOUSLY is a great mom and loves me SO MUCH.
recently i went through a series of events and changes in my living situation which has made my mental illness symptoms a lot worse and triggered trauma from when i lived with my mom before college.
i hope talking to and listening to people in this community can help me learn about myself and how to view what has happened to me.
hope you're having an ok day as you read this 

[Kizzie]

Hello Reluctant, a warm welcome to OOTS 

No need for an official diagnosis to join and participate here, if the symptoms resonate you're probably in the right place.  And no need to be worried about being rebuffed or scolded here, we get it! 

Do you think your M was NPD or has another PD? My FOO were covert N's and very good at looking good, but in reality were very emotionally abusive.  I didn't figure it all out until my 50's and here you are at 19 which is not to say I'm glad you have CPTSD obviously, but that you have found your way here much earlier on than many of us. 

There is lots of information and resources here as you know, so when you're ready please feel free to post wherever it seems appropriate. 

[reluctantastronaut]

thanks kizzie.
i don't think she has NPD. she doesn't show signs of wanting/demanding admiration or thinking herself above other people. she doesn't act arrogant or haughty. she seems to genuinely feel empathy and care for others, until it came to a point where she was so fed up with me she threw her consideration towards me out the window (but still insisting she loved me and doing the most of everything for me (drive me to and from school, buy me things, cook things especially for me) except actually listening to me and refraining from terrorizing me). but she did constantly take her anger out on me and do a lot of things listed on ootf as behaviors of people with PDs.
also she didnt always mistreat me. she was a good mother, and we had a great relationship until i was 12/13. then things went downhill. i don't know for sure why. and i haven't heard anyone else saying she hurt them or acted in any harmful way before this change. and PDs are supposed to be present from young adulthood right?

[reluctantastronaut]

but she's great at being charming and doting around anyone else and convincing everyone else she's such a caring, nice person. i don't know it's all so confusing

[Kizzie]

As I mentioned my M was very, very good at playing the good mother role so it was confusing to me right into adulthood - was she abusive?   

Before I went to OOTF I would go back and forth, back and forth, anger to guilt feeling torn up and half crazy trying to nail down what had happened and was happening.  I would have probably figured it out long before then if my M had been an overt N, but covert N's are much harder to pin down (at first, it's very clear these days).  For example, my M was a big gift giver.  Sounds very loving and how on earth could I possibly complain about that?  Well, when I figured things out I saw that the giving of gifts was all to feed her need for gratitude, an added notch in the "I am such a good mother" belt.  Doing nice things had a string attached - feed my N need, so it was never about anyone else but her.

In the midst of what appeared to be a sea of plenty I was starving for real connection, love, care, support, all the real things parents need to provide for their children in order for them to flourish.  When I entered my teens I became quite angry - I knew something was wrong in my gut, I just didn't quite know what and that only served to make me look like the unruly, mouthy teen, bad daughter, ungrateful, selfish, etc.  It took until my 50's, going to OOTF and then finding out about CPTSD to really nail it all down.

All this is to say, take your time, read, post and see if you can unpick what it is that brought you here and why you believe you have CPTSD. Abuse is not always obvious.

[betamax524]

Hello there! We're pretty close in age, and I feel like we have similar experiences. Not all abuse is immediately obvious, as I've had teachers who seemed caring and supportive to others, but who relentlessly pushed me past my breaking point and used my accomplishments to boost their own morale... It's a messy thing, really! I do hope that you find some answers to your questions here, I will wholeheartedly vouch that everyone I've met here has been very supportive and welcoming. I hope you have a great day as well!

[dischorde]

Hi Reluctant

I just registered and was feeling like I wasn't justified in posting when I saw your post. I'm wondering if maybe it's a common thing to doubt if your experiences really qualify as something that could cause c-PTSD (something like an internal gaslighting, perhaps, a dismissal of your own conclusions as 'crazy' or clearly wrong)...

My father too loved me a lot, and I feel bad using the word 'abused' because I feel like that is judging him as having been a 'bad person' rather than having done things that were hurtful. A shaming vs. guilting thing. Though I very much loved him and in many ways wish to be like him and remember all of the great things about him, that doesn't change how I felt I was constantly walking on eggshells and felt like the only way to ever really be 'good enough' for him was to be perfect (Ironically, part of the reason the rest of my family was so mean to me was because he was constantly bragging about me to them. I just never heard about that until after he died).

I'm not sure I really have a point there, as I feel guilty even expressing that my perception of his actions were as hurtful. I certainly perceived them that way, but I feel like I shouldn't say that because *I* shouldn't have perceived them that way. Like it's my fault/deficit for being too sensitive / thinking the world revolves around me too much - if I wasn't flawed I wouldn't have been hurt.

I don't want you to think I'm hijacking your thread, so I'll shut up now. Be gentle on my really long-winded attempt to show I relate!

P.S. I'm pretty sure my dad had a PD -  the one time that my mom got him to go to a therapist before they divorced, the therapist suspected he had BPD, which seems to fit.

[Beekins]

Hi Reluctant,

I am also a newbie!

I understand what you mean.  I was abused for years by an older sister (with narcissistic personality disorder).  It was * but the abuse was not evident.  For one, it was emotional abuse, not physical, and that was why my parents EVER acknowledged it as abuse.  They blamed me for being "too sensitive".  (In my culture, there is no such thing as emotional abuse.)  Physical scars heal, but emotional scars cannot be seen and tend to remain for years so they hurt so much more.  Secondly, she also was very confusing so I also did not see it as abuse until I was an adult.  As what you said about your mom, there were times when she was a good sister too.  Of course there were times when she was!  When she was good, she was very, very good.  But when she was bad, then it was like WWIII and I had to run for cover or have my head taken off!     And of course, it is hard to tell people about your family's abuse because people tend to say it's your fault.  I also tried to tell someone once about my sister and I was told "you shouldn't say things like that about your own sister".   Yes, your mom has done things for you of course.  But did she say things to hurt you, embarrass you, ridicule you, esp. in front of others?  Did she say things like "you'll never amount to anything", "you really are not very smart", "you sure are not very beautiful, I don't think anyone will ever want to marry you", or anything like that?  If so, these are all examples of emotional abuse and this kind of abuse hurts a million times more than physical abuse because you cannot show people your scars.

Take care! 

[Ronin]

Greetings!

Like many others have said, I spent years questioning my personal experiences and wondering if my parents were abusive. After over 30 years of questioning it and even defending my parents' actions (I would remind myself that I was the youngest of four, they were struggling, and doing the best that they could with what they had to work with), I finally came to the conclusion that being locked in rooms and beaten was, in fact abuse. That opened the door to a greater understanding of all of the other negative treatment I received from my parents (being told I was not good enough, that I'll never live up to their expectations, etc.).

The questioning came from a place of shame and guilt. These people brought me into the world and provided for my physical needs for years, how could I possibly think poorly of them? Wouldn't that just be wrong? I must be a bad person! It wasn't until I realized that was nothing more than what my parents taught me to think, I was trapped in the web of insults that I had endured for 20 or so years. I had been conditioned to believe that I was a bad person.

Good luck on your journey, you are definitely worth taking the time to understand it.

[Beekins]

Greetings!

Like many others have said, I spent years questioning my personal experiences and wondering if my parents were abusive. After over 30 years of questioning it and even defending my parents' actions (I would remind myself that I was the youngest of four, they were struggling, and doing the best that they could with what they had to work with), I finally came to the conclusion that being locked in rooms and beaten was, in fact abuse. That opened the door to a greater understanding of all of the other negative treatment I received from my parents (being told I was not good enough, that I'll never live up to their expectations, etc.).

The questioning came from a place of shame and guilt. These people brought me into the world and provided for my physical needs for years, how could I possibly think poorly of them? Wouldn't that just be wrong? I must be a bad person! It wasn't until I realized that was nothing more than what my parents taught me to think, I was trapped in the web of insults that I had endured for 20 or so years. I had been conditioned to believe that I was a bad person.

Good luck on your journey, you are definitely worth taking the time to understand it.

Hi Ronin,

This goes to show just how difficult it is to recognize abuse when it's in your family which is sad because I believe that is precisely where MOST abuse happens.  Imagine---if someone at school or at work hit or slapped you, it would immediately cause a major uproar.  The bully would be kicked out of school or get fired.  But if it is done to you by a parent or an older sibling, it gets laughed off or brushed off as "normal family dynamics".  How can that be possible?  Because with family, there are also good things they have done for you too, making it very confusing to see what is going on.  My parents and my sister did things for me too but they also made fun of me, ridiculed me, embarrassed me in front of others, called me stupid and useless, screamed at me when I did not deserve it...and what they did for me does not nullify their abuse.  I remember whenever I tried to talk to them, they would manipulate me by confusing me with things like "and to think that I got you a birthday gift today, and I paid for your gymnastics lessons when you wanted to learn gymnastics..." and I would end up getting confused and thinking I am being ungrateful.

Take care! 

[Ronin]

I agree Beekins. Families also get away with it because to the outside world they look completely normal. It's behind closed doors that things go awry. Also, people don't realize the years upon years that these things happen. And, as a society, we just assume that the parent who is demoralizing the child truly loves the child and the generally shows love, caring, and support. It is just a moment in time and they forget about it when it is out of their line of sight.

Having lived on the other side of it, the whole thing seems pretty disturbing.