The Holidaze

[Kizzie]

I don't know about any of you, but I imagine I am in good company when I say that the holidays are triggering for me, sometimes subtly.  I am not around my NPD FOO anymore so that has been much less of a source. That said, my NPD M still managed to send along some drama long distance in an email about her current battles with my NPDB (not getting enough attention from him). Sigh, they never change but it wasn't that that triggered me.   

As I wrote elsewhere, it was my son coming home.  Very strange as we get along really well and were all looking forward to seeing one another.  So I dug down and there is some old and awful abandonment depression, that cold gray nowhereland I inhabited for long.  It has receded for the most part, but add in some "holidays were dangerous" trauma memories, being busy because of work and voila, it rises to the surface.

It's a bit different than the danger of being in my FOO.  Then holidays then were dangerous because everyone was emotional and there was always a spark that would set it off and blam, drama x 10, always.  Now, it's dangerous or so my Inner Critic was trying to convince me, because if I am too happy, if I relax and enjoy the holidays with my FOC I  am putting myself in danger of being abandoned like as I was when I was a child.  Hunh?   Did not see that one coming but it makes perfect sense if you have CPTSD. I doubt I would have been able to clearly figure what was happening, why and then do something about it even last year but before that for sure.   So, hallelujah for recovery. It's been a bumpy road, but well worth it.   

Anyway, I thought this might be a good thread to start about managing (or not) the holidays.  I should say that until recently I did not manage the holidays well for most of my life. It was always a time for EFs, big ones and as you know that is not something to look forward to so holidays, especially Christmas have had a real sense of dread attached to them.

[Indigochild]

Hey Kizzie,

I just read your post, and I wanted to reply not only because i wanted to and i relate, but because i know what its like to be alone with this, and I wanted you to know that i hear you and that you are not alone, so i wanted to reply right away.

I'm sorry the holidays are triggering for you. They are triggering for me too. 
It sounds like, now the drama and fear have gone, you may be feeling feear still, but the sad feelings yo have always had to burry might be coming to the surface. Maybe now your mind feels that it is safe to unleash those feelings.

It makes perfect sense to me about worrying about relaxing and enjoying yourself for fear of what might happen.
If good things were taken away from you (or bad but it was the best you had..) you would be afraid of that happening again.
Anxiety / hypervigelance i know is a way that our bodies and minds think they are keeping us safe.
Its so great that you are now able to see what is what- what is going on with you- why you are feeling the way you feel.

I also experience dread about the holidays.
I think its a great thread to start.
Funny, as i worry that writing about xmas and all the things that come along with it, will trigger others, but we do write about all sorts here, that isn't christmas related, so its ok i guess, its a place to write. So thats good!
Why is it that I'm so worried about triggering others when it comes to the matter of christmas on the forum?
I guess because its a sensitive and upsetting time for me.

Im normally relieved when the day is over, perhaps because i spent years with FOO trying to get though the day, and being there for my dad (which was wrong as he uses me and *he* should be being the parent and not so self absorbed- he isn't the only one who is hurting), that this year, spending it for the first time with out them, some feelings are comming to the surface, they have been there for a long time, i have just never let myself cry and have always blocked off thoes feelings. I guess now there is room for me,and as I'm not trying to be cheerful for my dad, there is only me, and i can hear myself and glimpses of sadness I'm too afraid of from the depths of my sole-
not to sound too dramatic lol.

I hope you are ok Kizzie, we are here for you. Such a great realisation you had. You are not alone. 

[Dutch Uncle]

Nice title. 

I've had a very a-typical X-mas season this year: for the first time in 20 years or so I didn't visit my 'mom's' birthday on the 25th. Also for the first time in 15 years this was a year where the whole FOO (excluding divorced dad) could have come 'together'.

So quite some pressure on me has been exerted on me to come, and wild accusations have been made towards me, and hoovers attempted.
Nobody has asked me why I didn't come, and I'm pretty sure they have invented their own story as to why I didn't come: my NC with sis. I could have come regardless of that.
Which isn't why I didn't want to join.
I have decided to leave that as it is: they'll make up their own crazy world anyway, so any attempt to 'reason' with them is futile. Any JADE will only lead to Circular Arguments and DARVO.
And as I said: they haven't asked, so apparently they are not interested in my point of view anyway. So why try to give it to them?

In quite a significant way for me this is sticking to my plan to fully become the "invisible child" I always was for myself, while 'they' make/treat(ed) me as the scapegoat.

Yes, I do feel a bit dazed after this 'first time'. But it does feel as a fresh start. A year where I've put the trash in the dumpster. I've created room for something else to fill the space next year. Or leave it spacious as it is. 

I am not around my NPD FOO anymore so that has been much less of a source. That said, my NPD M still managed to send along some drama long distance in an email about her current battles with my NPDB (not getting enough attention from him). Sigh, they never change

No, they don't. Which is something I only realized the last year or so...

As I wrote elsewhere, it was my son coming home.  Very strange as we get along really well and were all looking forward to seeing one another.

I hope all went well, or at the very least was much easier and joyful you had feared it would be not.

It's a bit different than the danger of being in my FOO.  Then holidays then were dangerous because everyone was emotional and there was always a spark that would set it off and blam, drama x 10, always.  Now, it's dangerous or so my Inner Critic was trying to convince me, because if I am too happy, if I relax and enjoy the holidays with my FOC I  am putting myself in danger of being abandoned like as I was when I was a child.

I can soooo relate to the bolded part.
Inner Critic mode: "How dare you have a good time with your FOC, Kizzie?! You couldn't do it with your FOO, so you'll fail here too. And if you don't fail, you should feel GUILTY about it! If it doesn't fail, don't think you had anything to do with it not failing!"
Something like that? If so, I can relate. 

[Kizzie]

It sounds like, now the drama and fear have gone, you may be feeling fear still, but the sad feelings yo have always had to burry might be coming to the surface. Maybe now your mind feels that it is safe to unleash those feelings.

That is a great way of looking at things Indigo, thank you     When I felt that in the past I would have an EF, dissociate, stuff the feelings. This time I looked, straight on and I did handle them which is what recovery is all about I suppose, inching towards those truly awful feelings and coming to see bit by bit that we can deal with them. It's still really tough to look at how my younger self must have felt, but it helps me to understand why/how my CPTSD came about.

I also experience dread about the holidays. I think its a great thread to start. Funny, as i worry that writing about xmas and all the things that come along with it, will trigger others, but we do write about all sorts here, that isn't christmas related, so its ok i guess, its a place to write. So thats good! Why is it that I'm so worried about triggering others when it comes to the matter of christmas on the forum? I guess because its a sensitive and upsetting time for me.

Im normally relieved when the day is over, perhaps because i spent years with FOO trying to get though the day, and being there for my dad (which was wrong as he uses me and *he* should be being the parent and not so self absorbed- he isn't the only one who is hurting), that this year, spending it for the first time with out them, some feelings are comming to the surface, they have been there for a long time, i have just never let myself cry and have always blocked off thoes feelings. I guess now there is room for me,and as I'm not trying to be cheerful for my dad, there is only me, and i can hear myself and glimpses of sadness I'm too afraid of from the depths of my sole-
not to sound too dramatic lol.

It's not dramatic at all IMO Indigo, it's a gut wrenching pain that none of us should even have had to feel let alone relive over and over each time the holidays come around. I suppose that's why I have been taking all things in recovery bit by bit (our famous baby steps we talk about so much here). We are traumatized in the very depths of our soul and that is not something to be taken lightly.  It deserves a lot of attention, care and time to heal.  I think by writing about it at whatever stage we're at is helps us to heal.  I know when I read posts by members at OOTF that were farther along in recovery than I was, I help on so tightly to the hope that I would get there too one day. 

I hope you are ok Kizzie, we are here for you. Such a great realisation you had. You are not alone. 

Thank you Indigo, you are such a kind person  Many   back to you.

[Kizzie]

In quite a significant way for me this is sticking to my plan to fully become the "invisible child" I always was for myself, while 'they' make/treat(ed) me as the scapegoat. Yes, I do feel a bit dazed after this 'first time'. But it does feel as a fresh start. A year where I've put the trash in the dumpster. I've created room for something else to fill the space next year. Or leave it spacious as it is. 

That's very significant Dutch, it's about you now and that's recovery,    much like Indigo said about having room for her now.  That sense of space is both scary and exciting at the same time.

Inner Critic mode: "How dare you have a good time with your FOC, Kizzie?! You couldn't do it with your FOO, so you'll fail here too. And if you don't fail, you should feel GUILTY about it! If it doesn't fail, don't think you had anything to do with it not failing!" Something like that? If so, I can relate.

Yes, that's it. My ICr was also saying "Hold back emotionally because if your H and/or son abandon you, it will devastate you."  I noticed you said you feel "dazed" which sounds like you did not have an EF or dissociate and if that's the case  and  

[Dutch Uncle]

I noticed you said you feel "dazed" which sounds like you did not have an EF or dissociate and if that's the case  and

No EFs, no dissociation.
In fact, I have never before seen so clearly 'they' are not interested in my story, but simply will go with their own 'invited story'. Hence nobody even asked why I have 'passed' on the invitation.
Got a few times a bit of FOG emerging: "I noes! Now they'll team up and gossip and all be indignated I didn't come!" but I was able to let that pass almost instantly: What can I do about such a possibility if they do not even take an effort to get informed by me?
They got their minds made up... So much easier, in a way...
I also convinced myself that IF this X-mas will resurface in a conversation, I will have to make clear to them that I'm willing to tell them why I didn't come, but only at a time when they first will have erased their pre-conceived 'reason(s)' on why they think I didn't come from their minds. As it is now, my reasons would have to be 'stronger' than the ones they invented in order to convince them. That would be an uphill struggle. They first need to have an 'open mind' in order to have a chance of my story taking hold in the first place.
A level 'playing field' needs to be in place, and only they themselves can level the skewed field they have created. Not me.
Until that happens, I'm not playing ball.
(and possibly I will not even 'play ball' after that, but that's a 'worry' I can put aside, at least for now.)

Yes, that's it. My ICr was also saying "Hold back emotionally because if your H and/or son abandon you, it will devastate you." 

Pardon my curiosity, but how where your holidays with H and son? I hope, wish and trust you weren't abandoned in the slightest.

[Kizzie]

You may never get that level playing field but it sounds like you okay with that now.  It took a long time but I realized that my FOOs skewed reality is their actual reality and that's why it is so difficult, fruitless really to try and break through.  They believe utterly in the reality they have created.  So any effort is wasted breath for the most part, unless it is the satisfaction of speaking our truth.  If it is to get to that level field, it is a frustrating endeavour to be sure. They simply live in a different world and there are so many better ways to expend our precious energy.  Seems to me you have levelled the playing field in the sense that you are playing by your rules now. That shift is monumental In recovery I only.

My son is still here and we were having a wonderful time - no hint of abandonment because of course it is not there and never has been.  This is the first time my son has seen me use a walker and he didn't miss a beat.  I realized in that moment that he loves me, my spirit, who I am as a person and a mother. It was an amazing moment of clarity about what it means to be loved. . 

[Dutch Uncle]

My son is still here and we were having a wonderful time - no hint of abandonment because of course it is not there and never has been.  This is the first time my son has seen me use a walker and he didn't miss a beat.  I realized in that moment that he loves me, my spirit, who I am as a person and a mother. It was an amazing moment of clarity about what it means to be loved.

Thanks for sharing that.