New to forum

[bambie1966]

I'm nearly 50 years old and have been in therapy for nearly 3 years, just about to go through exposure therapy and extremely frightened. From birth until 26 years have gone through every for of physical, mental and sexual trauma you could imagine by my mother, half brother and outside of the home.

[tired]

Take it slow and give yourself time to process. Plan a lot of tlc for yourself. That's my advice

Also have hope and know that healing is absolutely possible.  You will find your way there.

[Dutch Uncle]

Hi bambie1966 

What a frightening history you have had. No wonder you are scared and anxious. 
I'm about your age, and have been through physical, mental and emotional abuse that probably resembles some of your experiences.
Other members from this community will share other events you've experienced.
But even if your experiences will have been unique (and to a significant extent all our experiences and feelings are unique, it's what makes us, "us") you are most welcome here to share them, if you wish so.

At OOTS, we welcome members who are dealing with CPTSD through a variety of life's events that befell upon us.

In the CPTSD Glossary you may find a lot the may resonate with your experiences. A few highlights to start your journey with:
On CPTSD
On Boundaries
One that has been of great value to me personally is: Learned Helplessness

Welcome to Out of the Storm,

Dutch Uncle.

[bambie1966]

Thanks both, I'm just trying to find my way through the confusion I'm feeling. My head feels like this  one of the most difficult parts is trying to explain to those closest to me what I'm struggling with day to day. I've read so much about cptsd, your inner child etc etc there's so much to do and all I want to do is wake up just one morning and feel as fresh as a daisy 

[Dutch Uncle]

Take it slow and give yourself time to process.

I'd like to echo Tired's words here.

There's no rush. What's a few days or months extra on 50 years. 
I do relate a lot though to your wish to wake up tomorrow a different person without cPTSD.  <--- signaling: I WANT IT FIXED NOW!!!

Alas, such a person has not yet visited the forum.
I hope you'll hang around at least as long as to when you get to your 'preferred state'.
In the mean time: hang on. We'll be here. 

[bambie1966]

  counsellor is suggesting exposure therapy, I understand the principal but what does this look like for someone with my history 

[tired]

I tried exposing myself to a lot of things over a couple of decades and maybe I did it wrong but it didn't work.  It wasn't part of therapy, it was just my way of making myself do things to get used to it.  I guess it ended up adding to my trauma.  Maybe I should read about how it should be done.

[Dutch Uncle]

counsellor is suggesting exposure therapy, I understand the principal but what does this look like for someone with my history 

I have no experience with 'exposure therapy'. Perhaps some info on it can be found on our Treatment for cPTSD board.

[breakingfree]

Last year I worked through attempting some exposure therapy with my counselor's guidance. I failed miserably but that was because I was entrenched in a divorce from a PD sociopath and this was all on top of my history of abuse from BPD'd family. Still, don't give up on it....the very hope of healing kept me at least contemplating exposure therapy and understanding it was an option to heal. Now that my panic attacks have subsided (after many months, so debilitating) we continue on with exposure therapy goals. I move very slow through it and never push myself if I can't. But: it's a goal. It's there. It's hope to break free from paralysis. I even had a terrible setback during all this divorce from PD person, CPTSD, etc.. in that I adopted an emotional support dog: desperate to have affection of any kind and not stay totally isolated. Well, after a year of working with a military vet trainer (who pushed me to trust and not fear) I had trained the dog to perfection: then the dog developed a late birth defect (collapsed trachea, which is inherited and cannot be fixed as most dogs die from surgical attempts to fix this birth defect) I put the dog to sleep to save it suffering anymore (collapsed trachea = they can't breath) and then I fell off the rails completely and isolated EVEN MORE than before. I waited another year to get through the first half of divorce negotiations with my abuser to get another puppy and have one now (for 2 months). FINALLY, climbing forward again in progress. I think, regardless of the tragedy with my other puppy: things were difficult anyway: and I retracted into myself with great panic and flashbacks and fear and anxiety no matter what. Still, I guess I am saying there are steps forwards we make, and sometimes those steps may fail. But. Try again. When ready. Know the option to progress is there. Read. Take breaks. Reach. Keep your support system (for me its my counselor). I want to be one of those people that can leave the worst parts of CPTSD in the background of my history: there but not running my life. I think integrating it into your self identity, your story, your understanding and forgiveness of what you endured. It's important. I see that. I hope more healing finds me like everyone here. Keeping at it helps. Thanks for sharing your story.