New Here

[goodkitty]

I just found this forum and am looking forward to participating in discussions.  I also just read Pete Walker's book and it was very enlightening. I have known I have CPTSD for a few years, but I learned some new things from Walker's book.

So, a little bit about myself: I'm 51 and was emotionally, physically, and sexually abused by both parents. I had always remembered most of the emotional abuse and some of the physical abuse but I had no memory of the sexual abuse, although I was aware there were many things about my childhood I did not remember.

Ten years ago I made a life change that triggered memories of the sexual abuse and I began having nightmares and would wake myself up screaming. Actually, I had a few nightmares before that time but I dismissed them. Once they began occurring several times a week I could no longer ignore them and I finally acknowledged that the memories were real.  When I acknowledged the sexual abuse I developed many symptoms of PTSD, including the racing heartbeat, exaggerated startle response, difficulty sleeping, and emotional flashbacks. Before that time my feelings were pretty numb.

I was in a dysfunctional marriage at the time but didn't have the emotional strength to disentangle myself from it. I began seeing a psychiatrist who specializes in childhood trauma and that helped tremendously. As I became more emotionally healthy my marriage deteriorated because my husband was not emotionally healthy. We divorced three years ago but I have no interest in dating because I don't want to ever have sex again. I keep thinking that might change, but so far it has not.

My father died when I was 14 a few months after he had threatened to shoot me during a family argument. He died at home of a heart attack and I was the one who called 911. I had many emotional problems after his death. I was relieved he was dead but at the same time felt terribly guilty about that.

I spent the last four years as the primary caregiver for my mother who developed chronic health conditions and dementia. The dementia frankly turned her into a much nicer person as she no longer remembered how to push my buttons.  She died last April and my psych told me that her death might trigger more memories and it has. When I have nightmares now I not only re-experience the fear but also the physical pain of the abuse.

A month ago a man I worked with died in circumstances very similar to my father's death and that has triggered another round of new memories. I feel like there is an endless well of crap from my childhood that overflows into my current life.  Every time I think I couldn't possibly remember something worse, I remember something worse.

I am an only child and do not have any close family members still living. Thankfully I do have good friends who have been very supportive of me.

[Jdog]

Good kitty-

I want to offer a warm welcome to OOTF.  What a terrifying time you must have had enduring the multiple abuses from both parents!  And now, to be re-experiencing sounds equally distressing.  It sounds like you have had many  "aha" moments that have helped you find some support, both psychologically and otherwise.  You chose to leave a bad marriage, which in itself takes tremendous courage and belief in oneself.

As another only child, I can also attest to the power of good friends.  Being able to trust others is difficult and also essential as we reconnect the bits and pieces of our fragmented selves.  You are an excellent writer as well as a very introspective person, and both are gifts that will surely help now and going forward.

Once  more, welcome to this safe space.  Thank you for posting your story - it helps others heal as well.

JDog