Lack of Life Skills

[samantha19]

Okay this is a weird one, and it's not a result of the abuse, more a result of neglect, technically.
I lack a few basic life skills. I find organisation impossible, my room is virtually always messy, if I'm early for something it's a major accomplishment and my social skills aren't well developed.
It never really dawned on me that social skills should, to an extent, be taught to you by your parents. But someone on this group said something about that and it really clicked with me.
I feel kind of missing a lot of teachings that are probably common in parenting. For example, I am late  to everything. Like, I majorly struggle with being on time or early to ANYTHING to the point where it is an issue, and it is affecting my life. I try and try to fix it but I just can't seem to, this has been going on for years. Now when I was still in primary school (About 10 and then onwards) I was late to school virtually every day because my dad dropped me off late (which did distress me as I was embarrassed to be late everyday). So, I never grew up with the habit of being on time and now I can't seem to undo this habit of being late for everything, all of the time. It's really hard! Which is so annoying because I hate being late. But I just can't stop doing it!
It's like, I acknowledge that I didn't get the best start in life, but I don't know how to fix it for my life now. It's dawning on me that my parents didn't really teach me vital skills, they just shouted at me or got annoyed with me for not doing things right, but they never like taught me HOW to do things right. So my self-esteem would take the hit, but I never learnt anything or progressed.

I'm just wondering, does anyone else have these kind of problems, and what can I do about it now? How do I learn to be an adult?
My main struggles are time management and organisation (with social anxiety and social problems being a whole other issue).

[Dutch Uncle]

Neglect is a form of abuse, dear Samantha.
What your dad did, dropping you of late, is very neglectful. And yes, he did teach you a poor lesson by doing that.
The good thing is: you can change it.
I used to be late a lot, but for a long time now I'm practically never late. I now am right on time even, most of the time.
I don't remember what I specifically did to achieve this, but I think an important piece was that I was so fed up with being late that I started to make an effort of being early. And once that was firmly in place (and it did sort of happen by itself, it seemed) I could start coming 'later'.
Another trait I 'picked up' is that when I know I'm going to be late (traffic jam, trains running late, an errant that suddenly had to be done) I call I'll be late. Sometimes I know half an hour before I'll be half an hour late. I've found that most people appreciate the 'heads up', rather than having to wait or get a very late notice I'll be late.

[samantha19]

Thanks DutchUncle. You're right, neglect is still a form of abuse.
I think I will be able to change my lateness, and it's good to hear other people have done too. I'm just going to try harder with making the effort, because I know it's doable, albeit harder because I've never consistently been an early person so need to form a new habit. I am really going to try, though.
And thanks Yvette. I am trying to be more compassionate with myself too, so I will take this on board. I identify with what you said about your inner state being reflected in your outer state, too. So I will keep working on my mental health and that should help things fall into place :-)

[tired]

that's my life. totally.

i've recently improved, after going nc with mom.  the reason that helped is that i developed an attitude of i don't care what anybody thinks. that's the attitude that helped me separate and also helps me do whatever works for me.

i was always ridiculed for even trying and that made me even more disorganized so  now i'm allowing myself to be ridiculously organized to the extent possible of course.  i make list after list and i treat myself like a child with add. i have calendars and reminders all over the house. i label everything.  i write notes on my hand. i write down what my problems is and find a solution ex.  "i took two hours to get dressed. problem was i couldn't walk around my room because of the clutter and that made me discouraged and i had trouble finding pants" then i write "solution short term:  look for pants anyway; solution long term:  clean room on saturday". then after that i will find out that i don't 'know how to clean my room or i don't know where to put things. so i'll make a list of things i don't know where to put. 

it sounds kooky and in the past i wouldn't have done it that way.  i would have been ashamed and thought, well what are the psychological hangups that prevent me from being organized etc.  why am i avoiding taking a shower or whatever.  that's what my therapist would say. my avoiding is solely from shame so in part the shame is better but mostly i ignore it and write a list. i tell myself, yes i have problems internally but right now i'm going to make this list.

i also gave up on the idea that anyone can help me.  people tell me you should get help from a maid or someone to help clean. i found that humiliating so i gave up and it was hard. i had an expecation that someone should help me.  it didn't seem fair.  but i realized, i'm about as smart as anyone, in the sense that i can think through a problem.  if i lose lists then i can buy tape and tape up my list, before i lose the tape of course.

this whole thing took a LOT of time.  think of hoarders.  it takes a lot of time to restructure but it can be done.  try to simplify things because it's overwhelming when you can't function. but really what we didn't learn are very simple things that don't take a lot of time . take the mystery out of it. 

[1life68]

I can so relate to this and often feel lost, like I'm just going through life in a fog and learning how to be an adult as I go.  My biggest fear is that my children won't be prepared for adulthood because of my lack of guidence.  Slowly, with the help of my therepist I'm learning tools that were never taught to me growing up. 

[Rainydaze]

Okay this is a weird one, and it's not a result of the abuse, more a result of neglect, technically.
I lack a few basic life skills. I find organisation impossible, my room is virtually always messy, if I'm early for something it's a major accomplishment and my social skills aren't well developed.
It never really dawned on me that social skills should, to an extent, be taught to you by your parents. But someone on this group said something about that and it really clicked with me.
I feel kind of missing a lot of teachings that are probably common in parenting. For example, I am late  to everything. Like, I majorly struggle with being on time or early to ANYTHING to the point where it is an issue, and it is affecting my life. I try and try to fix it but I just can't seem to, this has been going on for years. Now when I was still in primary school (About 10 and then onwards) I was late to school virtually every day because my dad dropped me off late (which did distress me as I was embarrassed to be late everyday). So, I never grew up with the habit of being on time and now I can't seem to undo this habit of being late for everything, all of the time. It's really hard! Which is so annoying because I hate being late. But I just can't stop doing it!
It's like, I acknowledge that I didn't get the best start in life, but I don't know how to fix it for my life now. It's dawning on me that my parents didn't really teach me vital skills, they just shouted at me or got annoyed with me for not doing things right, but they never like taught me HOW to do things right. So my self-esteem would take the hit, but I never learnt anything or progressed.

I'm just wondering, does anyone else have these kind of problems, and what can I do about it now? How do I learn to be an adult?
My main struggles are time management and organisation (with social anxiety and social problems being a whole other issue).

When looking back it does become clear that even seemingly little things did impact our self esteem. At the age of 8 I was often the last one at the school gate waiting to be picked up because my mum and dad went out somewhere and my dad made them late back. Not only was my dad negligent but my mum didn't stand up to him. I think this had more of an impact on my self-esteem than I ever realised. When I was a bit older and had piano lessons he was always late picking me up and once didn't bother at all because he chose to watch a football game instead. I once came back from a school trip too and was dropped off at school from the mini bus in the dark. He didn't bother collecting me to make sure I got home OK so I had to make my own way back. Luckily I had a good friend with a kind mother at the time who walked me home.

So, I relate to what you're saying. Time keeping isn't my best attribute either but it has got better with age. I try to focus on how much I don't want to upset the person I'm meeting and this seems to help get me out of the door. If you're not a great morning person then doing most things the night before works wonders. I never have been great at getting up which I think is because I've been in a depressive state for so many years without realising it, so taking the stress out of the equation in the mornings works wonders. It's little things like preparing your lunch and sticking it in the fridge and setting your clothes out ready to put on; it really helps!

In general my life skills aren't great. I get very socially anxious around people, particularly around those in a position of authority. I'm 28 and so many people my age are having children, but I feel like I've been stuck at the age of 15 for a long time. This is when I lost any positive adult guidance in my life so I'm not surprised. The thought of having a child is terrifying and I'm not ready for it. I try not to be too hard on myself nowadays because I did have a bad upbringing which very few people I've ever come across have had to deal with. The key is just trying to give yourself a break as much as you can and being careful not to compare yourself with others too much.

[Ronin]

Like you and the others, samantha19, I was also not taught any life skills. I went the other directions about being late though; I'm terrified of it. If I am late to something I am ashamed because I've inconvenienced someone else. My parents beat it into me (both physically and mentally) that I should never come first and everyone else is more important than I am. As a result, being late and inconveniencing someone else is a no-no for me.

But, I have zero self-esteem and social skills. Making even the simplest decision like what I want to eat if I deviate from my set norm is a painful ordeal that often results in my not eating. I have a huge desire to get organized, but I can't ever seem to achieve that. The idea of making lists causes me anxiety because what if I forget to put something on the list? What if I forget to look at the list? What if.... The list goes on and on. The end result is shame.

It's really sad that things that should be so simple are such a problem for us. 

[tesscaline]

I went the other directions about being late though; I'm terrified of it. If I am late to something I am ashamed because I've inconvenienced someone else. My parents beat it into me (both physically and mentally) that I should never come first and everyone else is more important than I am. As a result, being late and inconveniencing someone else is a no-no for me.

Lateness went that way for me too.  I can't stand being late.  I'd rather be an hour early than be a minute late, and inconvenience anyone. 

While I was taught practical skills (laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, being on time, paying bills, that kind of thing -- because well, those things were all *my* responsibility to do, because no one else was going to), I wasn't taught social skills.  How to make friends.  How to have a healthy relationship.  How to interface with the greater world around me on a personal level.  How to have my own appropriate boundaries (although I am compulsively respectful of other people's boundaries).  What the right thing to say to a compliment is.  As a result, I'm incredibly awkward around other people and I'm always afraid I'm doing the wrong thing -- that I'll inadvertently hurt someone's feelings, or be rejected, or seem "stupid". 

[Ronin]

How to make friends.  How to have a healthy relationship.  How to interface with the greater world around me on a personal level.  How to have my own appropriate boundaries.   

These are all things that are on my list of things that I was not taught. The others that you listed (laundry, cooking, grocery shopping, being on time, paying bills, that kind of thing) I was not taught however. Nor was I taught what the right thing to say to a compliment is. I never received them, so I as an adult, I have no idea how to respond to them. My ICr immediately tells me that the person giving the compliment is manipulating me, lying to me, just being nice, that the compliment is untrue, etc.

[tesscaline]

Nor was I taught what the right thing to say to a compliment is. I never received them, so I as an adult, I have no idea how to respond to them. My ICr immediately tells me that the person giving the compliment is manipulating me, lying to me, just being nice, that the compliment is untrue, etc.

I have the exact same problem.  I've taught myself, over time, to just say "thank you" (even if I don't believe them) and move on to another subject as quickly as possible.  But man, when I hear a compliment, I tend to panic (at least internally) and get flustered.

[Boatsetsailrose]

Hello
One of my issues is avoidance and so maybe the not being on time is an avoidance tactic to help keep you less anxious ?
Often if things have already started we don't have to do the social bit beforehand ... Just a thought
Yes I feel I'm going backwards in some respects - I've found the past couple yrs v hard - not using addictions and subsequent increase of mental health probs that doing basic daily tasks feels  big deal...
But I also must remember I am doing well in the grand scheme of things and that not 'fully functioning ' whatever that means is ok -
I just have enough routine to keep going and try to keep the ball up in the various areas of my lift but not too much I am too overwhelmed .
Expectations of self can be too high I find ..
For me breaking things down into small bits helps and mindfully doing one thing at a time.. Bringing my mind back to the Present and preventing worry thoughts of the future ...
I can relate to the organisational stuff - I know for me I can again have too many expectations and perfectionist traits - so it's tolerating the feelings and just doing a bit at a time - sometimes lists help And sometimes they don't
Life is very messy I've accepted and as much as I want to be on top of everything it doesn't seem possible for this little human being. So I just do enough to keep afloat and not get too bogged down in worry about what I can't do / control.

[Boatsetsailrose]

I find rest is very important for me these past few yrs - I go through periods when I need to sleep much more and be restored - coping in the world is exhausting and I don't have the coping that some others do ...
Lately I'm learning what self acceptance is and I really like it -
Less expectation equals less beating self - - looking at this is what I can do and this is what I struggle with and then letting my self off the hook - taking the bits that are difficult and leaving some working slowly on others
As long as I can get into bed and there is nothing looming obvious that I didn't attend to I can. Sleep