Scared and lonely

[Sjjay]

Hello,

I am new here after just finishing Pete walkers book on Cptsd I thought I would reach out a bit as I really don't know what to think anymore. I only discovered what Cptsd meant a couple of weeks ago and a lot of it really resonates with me.  I guess I am just going to tell my story from the beginning and maybe hope for some clarification i know that this isn't a place for diagnosis but I suppose I just need a bit of help!

From an early age I remember feeling anxious, sad, lonely, unloved and not understood.  Crying a lot of the time, and feeling generally as if I didn't belong anywhere. The rub is though that other memories are good memories of fun days out and some good times. And as far as I know no major trauma. Which starts making me think that my mum was right I was just a problem child that was loved and just couldn't be consoled.  And that I just have to be happy and positive , or it's a chemical disorder, I have depression, feeling like there is just something wrong with me, anything to take the blame away from her!  She still says this to this day.  She did admit at one point that she didn't say I love you enough or gave us hugs when we were kids and that she didn't love dad and didn't want to be married and pregnant at 16. Her mother had agoraphobia as well apparently.  She also told me that she and my dad argued a lot because he would always come home drunk and spend a lot of his time at the pub. I do not remember any arguments at all, but I do recall the horrible smell of too much alcohol on my dads breath sometimes.  To top this off, my father dad at 41 of a heart attack when I was 15. I remember being upset but not a lot of comfort or anything from anyone. I tried to commit suicide for the first time in my life. At 16my mum started to lock the food away because I wasn't pulling my weight and then threw me out of the family home because I wasn't amounting to much.   At this point I went off and buried my feelings so deep I actual thought I was ok.  Started stealing and eventually got into prostitution.  Although I thought I was ok. I know I felt like I was good for nothing. Several pimps, rape and addresses later Some how at 23 I decided that there must be something better in life and a seed grew and I went to college, although continued prostitution until the age of 25.  After this I took on various jobs, bar work, driving, stuff like that, then had a nervous breakdown at 28. Got some therapy and anti depressants I had opened Pandora's box of hurt and couldn't close it.  At 32 I actually started a career in a children's home and now at 44 I am a careers adviser.  I now have some good friends that I formed over the last 15 years, which was something that I never had. So it sounds like a success story right? Well in some respects yes, I am proud of some of the things I have achieved.  However after being dumped again after a 3 year relationship I am back to feeling, useless, ugly, unworthy, unloved and not worth anything. I feel like I am asleep when it comes to relationships. I want love, support and care a steady home so much that I pick up with what ever is on offer, ignoring my instincts at beginning that it wasn't right.  I have had a bit of a mini breakdown, where I feel so alone and anxious it has been unbearable.  I have never been married. No children (two abortions in my teens. Both of which my mum told me to do) I don't own my own home.  I just want to feel safe and secure and loved and I feel as if I am never going to have it. I am so tired of living my life like this.

Phew I know it's long and thank you for reading.  Do you think that I have CPTSD? I just feel sometimes after reading all the horror stories of the abuse that others have been through that I am just complaining for no reason.

[mourningdove]

Hi Sjjay! 

Do you think that I have CPTSD?

I think it would make sense if you did, after all you've been through. So sorry you've had such a rough life.

You deserve to feel safe and secure and loved, and I'm glad you are here. I hope you find this site helpful.

Welcome! 

[Sjjay]

Thank you mourning dove,

I think that's all I needed to hear

[Kizzie]

Hi and a warm welcome to OOTS Sjjay     You're right we can't diagnose but I think you are in the right place given what you've been through and what is going on right now    Ending a relationship can trigger old trauma no doubt about it and that's when everything can feel overwhelming - when the past mixes with the present it's hard to sort out because there's a lot of it and some of it is trauma time (your child is stuck in the past because there was no-one to help her process the fear, pain back then). 

Did you find Walker's book helpful?  It can be a lot to digest in one go.  We talk a lot here about taking recovery in baby steps, small bite sized chunks that we can handle rather than "ripping the bandaid off" so to speak.

Glad you found your way here and I hope you find the information and support helpful 

 

[Sjjay]

Thank you kizzie,

It makes so much sense, because the feelings are so profound it is like they mean more than just the end of a relationship.. Abandoned, scared, extremely lonely. I am starting to see it for what it is, which is scary in itself because recovery seems a very long process that's takes dedication, and I have the tendancy after several months in pain, to pretend nothing has happened and then just get on... This time however I really need to do the work and stop running, I think at last I am ready to stop running. 

I found Pete walkers book very enlightening and am trying to do some of the things  suggested.  But your right I need to take baby steps, I need to learn to walk again before I can run.  Trouble is I only remember feelings from my childhood and not events..I think it was all very much "we are an OK family" but they had lots of unresolved adult issues... I am struggling with being angry with them still for all of this and I think I need to get angry! They did a good job on me to make me think I was a problem child and they were not at all at fault. I still believe it in me somewhere😔 For the first time last month when my mum started on about how I was a problem child and blah blah blah, blame blame blame, I actually stopped listening to her and for the first time ever didn't try to argue the point or just agree, but instead just told her to stop that it wasn't helpful!

I think I may have in my early 30's prematurely forgave her, which is why now I find it so hard to grieve...

Thanks for listening
😃Xx

[Kizzie]

For the first time last month when my mum started on about how I was a problem child and blah blah blah, blame blame blame, I actually stopped listening to her and for the first time ever didn't try to argue the point or just agree, but instead just told her to stop that it wasn't helpful!

It may not seem like it but IMO that's HUGE step forward in recovery so  and    to you Sjjay.