My Story

[MoonHare]

I started in therapy when I was 17 and I saw many therapists who didn't have a clue what was wrong with me. I suffered from depression and anxiety and mainly they just wanted to put me on pills. When I was 28 I went into a mental hospital for a fortnight, it was appalling as the hospital was old and the nurses verged on bullies, in the end I couldn't wait to get out. I made a friend in there who helped me get some pills from the Dr and that helped somewhat, I just felt like I was forgotten, why ? because I tend to be a quiet person and I don't like to cause a fuss.

Sometime after that I had 9 sessions of ECT, I was told that I wouldn't remember anything and to be true the film, I watched at the cinema the night before, I have no recollection of. Apart from that it didn't do anything for me.

I believe one person saw ME when I was 39. She was a trainee counsellor and I look back and I think she guessed that I had been abused but didn't say so. I had to do an exercise with her one day, sitting on  different chairs. On  one I was an adult and on the other I had to go back to been a  child, I know she heard one of my kids talk as my voice changed so much. She was the first person who heard one of them.

When I was about 40 I found a counsellor and I remember saying to her that my dad had abused me, it just came out of me, I asked her if she thought it was true, but she said she couldn't tell me that. I had to know myself. After a while I began to get feelings inside of me and words would pop in my head. It was so weird and then my body began to become unwell. The Dr had no idea what was wrong and thought it was somatic. My lungs were so bad I could barely walk 2 feet  and my brother thought it sounded like I was drowning. I spent almost 2 years living upstairs as I had the bed there and the loo near by and my husband at the time helped me a lot. I had a wheel chair so when I could get down stairs  I could at least get out which was a treat.

My father sexually abused me when I was about 4. It took me  40 +years till I learnt about what he had done to me. I turned 60 last month and one thing I have and that is due to my inner kids and that is I have a young nature and that I don't look my age either. I have had them in my life for a long time then about 2 years ago I didn't hear a thing from them, though I knew they were still with me as their anger is different from mine. I tend to be logical, they are much more feisty then me. . About 6 months ago they started talking with me again.

To this day I am still learning and still dealing with the consequence of what he did. I am ATM going through a pretty bad episode of cPTSD, not the first time this has happened and I have leant how to deal somewhat with my anxiety and depression, the dissociation is harder though as at times I have no idea that I am not here and that they are out, so for that reason i wont drive.

I thought at first that I was DID but as time progressed I realised that my inner children were not as strong as I believe them to be as in DID . I made a list of their names that they gave me and what they told me about themselves. Then they wanted me to destroy what I had written. I was still so new to this and so I abided by their wishes. I  can still remember some of the names, especially five of them who really stood out in my mind. They told me a lot where they lived with in me, the house they had created and some of what happened to them/me.  I am grateful for all that they took abuse wise, while I checked out whilst my father did bad things to me

It was my husband who saw them and knew who they were, not by names so much, but how they acted.

My dad was EVERYTHING to me, I absolutely adored him and when I began to realise what he had done to me caused me so much pain. He died when I was 18 so I couldn't ask him, though I believe he was abused himself as he was in an orphanage run by nuns.

His death was a huge thing in my life as we were so very close up to when he died and the way his death was handled in relation to me was pretty bad, it took me a long time for me to get over him dying, then learning about my past. I don't think I hate him any more, I did with a vengeance. I know I still have some love for him though nothing like it was. Time moves on and I don't like bitterness, it will only screw me up and I don't need or want that.

I don't take anti depressants or tranquillisers, I found some natural supplements that work well for me. The pills the Dr gave  me had little effect. All this happened in the UK as I am English, but I now live in the US.

If you have read this far I thank you for that. I don't think I have ever I have ever written so much about myself on a board.... It feels like a self cleansing if that makes sense to tell others about me.

If you got this far then I thank you for listening to me, it means a lot to be heard

[Dutch Uncle]

Thanks for sharing, MoonHare. 

[MoonHare]

Thank you Dutch Uncle for your reply and for the hugs.  sending one back to you if wanted.

[Kizzie]

I hear you too Moonhare, thank you so much for sharing     

[MoonHare]

Thank you for listening Kizzie.  I think for all that we have gone through, too be heard is so important to us all.  If wanted.