Lots of trouble identifying emotions

[Widdiful Falling]

Every time I get even close to talking about how I feel, I start shaking like mad. But it's really weird, because I still feel empty (as usual ). I have no idea what this shaking means. My M used to yell at me for it. I remember watching a movie with her that was really intense and scary, and shaking like I was cold, but I wasn't, and my M told me to knock it off. I'm able to suppress it more, now. Like I said, it mostly happens when I'm talking about how I feel.

It probably sounds really weird, but I never noticed that emotions have a physical feeling. Now that I do, I feel like I've been acting my way through life. I'm like a robot with the programming: event happens > appropriate emotion found > emotion displayed. WFBot 9000 gets confused and overwhelmed sometimes, though, and in those times, reverts to her primary mode: irritability and flat affect. I effectively emotionally BSOD. No wonder the customers at work find me unsettling. Yeesh!

Ummm... So can anyone else relate, or am I just a freak? Also, is there a handy guide I can look up, to help me relate physical feeling with its companion emotion? Or am I doomed to be a machine for the rest of my life?


On a vaguely related note, I remember my M telling me my older sis was like a machine. My M didn't like that about her. Then, my M ran around yelling at me, because how dare I even think I know what X feels like with my "charmed life" (of poverty, homelessness, and child abuse). Nothing less than the best I could possibly be, never mind the circumstance, was acceptable (let alone celebrated), and my true emotions weren't allowed to exist, so what's left but a very efficient, very inhuman being? I'm another machine. My M should have been an inventor instead of a parent.

[Sandals]

Wow, your M really hates herself, doesn't she? It shines through so much in what you are writing. Her inability to feel empathy when you are expressing feelings, her criticism of your older sister. Even her reaction to you shaking - instead of being concerned and helping you through it, she wanted you to put it away because it reminded her of something in herself. Remember, you're not responsible for her emotions.

What happens if you try not to suppress the shaking? It sounds like there is something in your body that wants to come out. Can you have compassion for whatever it is, and let it express itself? In a safe environment, of course. Also, have you tried EFT?

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying with my M's expressions and identifying emotions. I'm slowly getting better at it, but suppressing the ones that are scary was part of what stood in my way. When you truly start to feel those feelings, they will begin to make room for other (better) feelings. Let them out and give yourself lots of love for taking such a big step.

[Widdiful Falling]

Wow, your M really hates herself, doesn't she? It shines through so much in what you are writing. Her inability to feel empathy when you are expressing feelings, her criticism of your older sister. Even her reaction to you shaking - instead of being concerned and helping you through it, she wanted you to put it away because it reminded her of something in herself. Remember, you're not responsible for her emotions.

What happens if you try not to suppress the shaking? It sounds like there is something in your body that wants to come out. Can you have compassion for whatever it is, and let it express itself? In a safe environment, of course. Also, have you tried EFT?

I can relate to a lot of what you're saying with my M's expressions and identifying emotions. I'm slowly getting better at it, but suppressing the ones that are scary was part of what stood in my way. When you truly start to feel those feelings, they will begin to make room for other (better) feelings. Let them out and give yourself lots of love for taking such a big step.

I wish I knew what was trying to come out. But I feel embarrassed about it, and it's really scary to me. It doesn't happen often unless I'm talking to someone, and I don't want to inconvenience my friends. EFT sounds worth trying. I would give it a try right now, but I'm too tired to learn anything. I have a migraine.

I am in the process of finding a T. I e-mailed a social worker whose profile said she specializes in trauma. She said she would like to make an appointment, that the first one is free, and that she would like to discuss my goals, and what I can expect from counseling, since it's my first time. She seems pretty cool, but I'm scared that I'm going to end up shaking and sweating, and she's going to think I'm more of a nutcase than I really am. Or, she's going to ask me how I feel, and I'm not going to be able to give an answer.

I think my M really must hate herself. It hurts to know that there is really nothing I can do about it. God knows I tried. From a young age, she would tell me she thought she was a terrible mother, and my response was always that she tried her best. She was wonderful, to me. I loved her. But then, it was never enough. She constantly felt like she was a bad mother, and instead of getting help, or changing her ways, beat herself up about it until she was so consumed by rage, it drove her to violence.

I think I'm really angry at her, but it's hard to tell. Sometimes, I wonder if I'm even remembering correctly, or if I'm blowing things out of proportion. I sometimes think her treatment of me is excusable. I must have made her life unimaginably difficult by leaving the dishes sometimes... Lazy, useless, and good for nothing, all because of some dishes. 

I know I'm angry at her mother. Heinous SOB. 

I'm glad to hear you're getting better with it. Not only because you're awesome, and deserve an awesome life, but because it gives me hope that I can also make progress. My ICr thinks that my hope is selfish.

[Sandals]

It's nothing to be embarrassed about. I did a workshop once and a girl there had the shakes - and she said that there was no "cause" of it in her life. It was just in her. And it was also very scary for her to let it come out. But once she had let it out, she was soooo peaceful. Thinking of all that you've gone through, doesn't it make sense that there is something in there, too? And hey, those things are what are SUPPOSED to happen when you are in T. That's what you pay them for! (even if the first session is free)

It's good that you can see how your family system operates - and that you have anger for your GM for passing that down to your mom. And your mom has passed some of it down to you. Your love for your mom shines through in your compassion for her. But now it's time to give those feelings back - if not to your mom, then to your GM. They were never meant for you to carry. See if you can picture them, maybe as a box, and you giving them back to your GM. Tell her that they belong to her and you are done with carrying them for the family.

When you're ready to try EFT (your poor head! I hope it's better soon) I'm happy to answer any questions you might have or just to bounce things off of.

You're doing such a great job of walking down this road.

[Sandals]

p.s. Tell your ICr that I'm also giving lots of love to her. She's scared of hoping that things will be better.

[Widdiful Falling]

Thank you so much for the love and advice. I hope I can feel something even resembling peace after letting it all out. There is almost definitely something in there, and I would like to find it. It doesn't make sense to run from myself anymore. I need new ways of coping with my life. That's why I'm here.

I think I understand what you're saying, about giving responsibility back to my GM. But at the same time, that responsibility, blame, and guilt are such integral parts of me that I don't know how to separate them from myself just yet. Thinking about it helps a little, but it doesn't get rid of the feeling that I am guilty of something, and so I deserve 100% of the blame for everything. I've felt this way since I was a small child. It's improving, but it's not an easy thing to get through.

I watched a video about family dynamics, and I mostly identify with the role of the hero child. Apparently, this feeling of overwhelming guilt is common to people who have played this role. I am going to do more research into how to reverse it, now that I know others have gotten through it.

I will certainly let you know when I start EFT. It's exciting to try new things.

p.s. Tell your ICr that I'm also giving lots of love to her. She's scared of hoping that things will be better.

I just meditated for 10 minutes, and that does seem to be the case. When I accepted the knot I had in my stomach as a legitimate feeling, waves of terror washed over me. They were very disconnected, though. I'm not quite sure what I'm scared of.

I need to find my wallet I lost in a dissociative episode (YEESH!), so I can go to an event this weekend, but that doesn't seem to be all of it, especially since my SO is going to help me find it in a little while.

Being afraid of hoping seems like it's part of it, too. Logically, I know that's BS. It takes the edge off. But I'm still really terrified. I suppose it could be an EF. Those are the worst. EFs, and their aftereffects, last for days with me.

[bee]

I did some reasearch on David Berceli. His research is in releasing trauma through letting the body tremble. You might find it interesting.
http://www.bercelifoundation.org/s/1340/aff_2_home.aspx?sid=1340&gid=1&pgid=61&cid=160
He thinks it is actually best if you don't think about where the trauma comes from, just let your body move how it needs to.
He's figured out a sequence of simple exercises that use main muscle groups to start the trembling when you are in a safe controlled environment.
It's based on how wild animals shake after a traumatic event.

[Widdiful Falling]

That is pretty interesting. I'll give that a try, too.

[Sandals]

Good morning, warrior sister. Your braveness in all of this is remarkable. I want to highlight the courage it took you to sit with that feeling. I hear you on how hard it is to do that. I find that it is important for me to take the time after sitting with one of those feelings to also take time to give myself some love - love for the whole of me, including that feeling. This gives closure and also leaves me with more positive feelings. (And willingness to do it again!)

Good for you that you can see the value in giving back those feelings to your GM! None of what you should give back is ever anything that is integral to you. It sounds to me like what you are describing in the overwhelming guilt is a sense of toxic shame. I highly recommend reading "Healing the Shame that Binds You" by John Bradshaw. It also has a lot of helpful exercises that will help you work on shame and get to that point of separating the integral parts of you from the parts that were given you by your family system.

It makes sense to me that you're afraid to hope. I've been there, too, where it seems that there's no way out of this old roach motel. And that part of you that's afraid to hope is trying in its own, misguided way to protect you. But now that you're healing, that part needs to let go of this misguided idea. There is a way out and you can see it and want to get there.

You're doing great, you're exactly where you should be. Even misplacing your wallet is the right thing to have happened, you just don't know the reason yet.

[Widdiful Falling]

Good morning to you, too. I don't feel very brave. I still feel scared. It's getting better, though. It's not paralyzing.

I have an appointment with a T for the 21st of April. I'm really apprehensive about it, especially about the cost. She does work on a sliding scale, though, so I'm trying not to worry about it too much.

Toxic shame sounds about right. It certainly feels like a poison. Thanks for the boon recommendation.

[Bluevermonter]

Hey, WF.

You are working very hard on your issues.  I like your term hero child, and my mom's mom was also responsible for the damage done to her 4 daughters.

But right now I wanted too point out a few things I observed about my nephews, who are now 13 and 11.

I think kids, even from their first moments, have to confront the power of their emotions.  Infants don't laugh or giggle just a little bit and then stop, they have no choice but to fully engage their physical and emotional selves.  When the oldest was learning to roll over, my sister but him on his stomach on a blanket on the floor, thinking that he could be successful.  Wrong. He had no clue what to do and his rage was a full body response.  He was sobbing, lips trembling, body shaking--all within 30 seconds.  She didn't leave him like that, but picked him up and soothed him.

A few years ago, the youngest had a meltdown when my sister was quizzing him on his 6 times tables.  I was there and saw his despair, full body sobbing, screaming that went on for about 10 minutes.  It was an instant explosion on his part as things were calm right up until he completely had it with the drill.  She tried to send him to his room for a time out but he was in such a state that he refused to go.  I forget all the details about how she finally got him to calm down, but it was amazing to watch the intensity involved.

So I'll just offer that what you experience when you have emotions now is that your physical reactions are probably part of the normal emotional development that kids have.  But since your mom interfered with that, you are confronting it now and are trying to figure out how to manage them.

Plus even now, if I have a close call while driving, for example,  I do shake and sweat a little bit for several minutes, so that's normal too.

Best wishes

[Widdiful Falling]

Your observations about your nephews are pretty interesting. I certainly never was allowed to express emotional intensity. I learned to cry silently at the age of 7, and quietly before then, so I wouldn't bother anyone. Emotions have always been treated as a bother. Something we just shouldn't have.

I remember crying because I was overwhelmed by schoolwork when I was 6. I was put into second grade for my reading abilities, but the workload was pretty intense for someone as young as I was. So one day, I got frustrated and started crying. My M told me I was ridiculous, and refused to soothe me. She told me her sister was ridiculous like me, and cried over homework, and how she's oversensitive, and crazy. I went on crying for hours, not because of the homework, but because I felt like my M didn't love me. I think that was when I began to have my doubts.

Anyway, after that, I never expected to be soothed, and it rarely happened. My brother was born shortly afterward, and my M and I were busy taking care of him. It's probably why I lack the ability to self-soothe. My M couldn't teach something to me she didn't know herself.

I feel you about the driving. It's scary for me, too. I feel like such a wuss admitting that, though.

[Widdiful Falling]

I went to my first T appointment today, and I did end up shaking and crying a bit. I was embarrassed by it in the moment, but I know that it's nothing to continue to be embarrassed by. My T said that crying is a healthy way of coping, and that it's nothing to be ashamed of. I assume the same goes for shaking.

I still can't get over the fact that she called me resilient. I've been called oversensitive my whole life. Perhaps one can be sensitive and resilient at the same time?

I mentioned also, in a previous post, that my T was concerned by my lack of emotional support. Maybe I feel like it's no big deal because I've never really had it before.

[Bluevermonter]

Resilient is a great word to describe you, WF. And emotions are not mutually exclusive, imho.  So sensitive and resilient can exist in the same person at the same time.

In one post either here or OOTF, someone said to enjoy the dirt.  Those physical reactions are necessary to develop empathy.  The natural interaction involves mom responding to the needs of her child.  At the pre-verbal stage, what else does a kid have except physical expression?

parents, like my ex's mom, and yours, have this interaction cycle screwed up for whatever reason.

In my last t session, I cried because I needed to.  T's get paid to deal w our sh$$, so enjoy it!